The Day The Hephalump Died
I just read a bunch of journal entries by a friend who I was extremely close to for a long time ( by that I mean a few years). Unfortunately we made some bad choices, and by we I mean mostly me (yeah fuck me and my libido) and turned into enemies, if you could call it that.
Now, I dunno. The animosity is completely gone. Its really kind of silly looking back at myself and seeing how hot headed I was, how ignorant of the future. I seriously giggled for a few seconds at that. It's great to be able to laugh at yourself and how stupid you were, because you're sometimes your best critic. Or I am, or your worse critic, or The Future is the best critic...baaah! I am my best comedian...Because I know in a few years THESE VERY WORDS will seem pretty fucking naive.
All that is left is curiosity. Where is he, what is he doing? How is he doing? Were the same challenges then, the same things he struggles with now? Why do I care? I dunno. I do care, maybe because I like to fix things.
Little problems, big problems. Organize, execute, repeat.
That doesn't make sense....Hmmmnn....how to put it? I dunno, he was a cool guy. he was one of those contagious,,l, intense insomniacs that made you want to stay up late and fuck around online. This was back when I was in to fucking around all night online. We used to type in words like "eggplant" into google images and find the first pornographic picture. Obviously, this was before youtube got big.
But, all is fair in love and war. bad drama happens. I changed. I got more agressive, less honest. he became weathered and weary from lack of...whatever. Love? Women? Companionship? You know, you grow. I got the better cut out of the situation, and thus it bred regret. He, though, got the worse off, and bred vengence. Congreve said "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Congreve was fucking retarded. To say the least, we had a "falling out" which ended in a nasty LJ comment almost a year later by him. I made a post, if any of you remember, apologizing for the shit I'd pulled. I don't even know if he got the damn thing. I was so stressed and sick of looking at the whole thing I had to delete the response a few days later. I'm a little better at hiding my thoughts online than I am in person (which is not saying much, I'm the angry chick with her heart on her sleeve) so I can give people the cold shoulder. Or at least that was the impression I was trying to put out.
And so, we dont talk anymore. I suppose its "for the better". Ahh, I love that term. So maternal, so bittersweet. Reading back, the comment was pretty nasty though. I'm not suprised I told him to leave me the hell alone. Knowing me, I'd be scared shitless. This was more than a year ago, however. I hate having flame wars online, because you can keep the crappy shit people say and refresh your emotions later. there's less room for memory to decay over time. Also pretty crappy not being able to yell at someone face to face. There's no real dispersal of aggression. But, you know what they say about online arguments, "its like the special Olympics: it doesnt matter if you win or lose, your still fucking retarded".
Obviously he complied with my request for silence, and here we are. Even the weird stuff he said kind of makes me giggle. "Snake in the grass"..... God, If I was half the bitch he said I was I'd be able to work my way out of alot more tight situations. But I've never had the commanding voice and authority to be a Real Bitch.
Now my mother, shes a bitch. But not really in the way he meant it. She's more of a "You cause even slight discomfort to my kith or kin and I will feed you your arteries" sort of bitch. Protective. I've always been grateful that she has my back and not my throat.
But really, I'm babbeling.I'll probably go watch Fruits Basket or finish Neverwhere and forget all about it. Having these kinds of experiences make you grow up. Its the reason adults are a hell of alot nicer than 5th graders. Because we've all had drama. We've all beeen shat on. We will all, at some point, shit on someone else, and regret it later. it's called empathy. Everyone involved was an asshole somewhere down the line.
We all take turns being the dog and pony show. Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the pony.
I should make these nostalgic posts more often, I sound a little like Mista Mikey.
Anyway, hope you all sleep well,
Cheers.
Now, I dunno. The animosity is completely gone. Its really kind of silly looking back at myself and seeing how hot headed I was, how ignorant of the future. I seriously giggled for a few seconds at that. It's great to be able to laugh at yourself and how stupid you were, because you're sometimes your best critic. Or I am, or your worse critic, or The Future is the best critic...baaah! I am my best comedian...Because I know in a few years THESE VERY WORDS will seem pretty fucking naive.
All that is left is curiosity. Where is he, what is he doing? How is he doing? Were the same challenges then, the same things he struggles with now? Why do I care? I dunno. I do care, maybe because I like to fix things.
Little problems, big problems. Organize, execute, repeat.
That doesn't make sense....Hmmmnn....how to put it? I dunno, he was a cool guy. he was one of those contagious,,l, intense insomniacs that made you want to stay up late and fuck around online. This was back when I was in to fucking around all night online. We used to type in words like "eggplant" into google images and find the first pornographic picture. Obviously, this was before youtube got big.
But, all is fair in love and war. bad drama happens. I changed. I got more agressive, less honest. he became weathered and weary from lack of...whatever. Love? Women? Companionship? You know, you grow. I got the better cut out of the situation, and thus it bred regret. He, though, got the worse off, and bred vengence. Congreve said "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Congreve was fucking retarded. To say the least, we had a "falling out" which ended in a nasty LJ comment almost a year later by him. I made a post, if any of you remember, apologizing for the shit I'd pulled. I don't even know if he got the damn thing. I was so stressed and sick of looking at the whole thing I had to delete the response a few days later. I'm a little better at hiding my thoughts online than I am in person (which is not saying much, I'm the angry chick with her heart on her sleeve) so I can give people the cold shoulder. Or at least that was the impression I was trying to put out.
And so, we dont talk anymore. I suppose its "for the better". Ahh, I love that term. So maternal, so bittersweet. Reading back, the comment was pretty nasty though. I'm not suprised I told him to leave me the hell alone. Knowing me, I'd be scared shitless. This was more than a year ago, however. I hate having flame wars online, because you can keep the crappy shit people say and refresh your emotions later. there's less room for memory to decay over time. Also pretty crappy not being able to yell at someone face to face. There's no real dispersal of aggression. But, you know what they say about online arguments, "its like the special Olympics: it doesnt matter if you win or lose, your still fucking retarded".
Obviously he complied with my request for silence, and here we are. Even the weird stuff he said kind of makes me giggle. "Snake in the grass"..... God, If I was half the bitch he said I was I'd be able to work my way out of alot more tight situations. But I've never had the commanding voice and authority to be a Real Bitch.
Now my mother, shes a bitch. But not really in the way he meant it. She's more of a "You cause even slight discomfort to my kith or kin and I will feed you your arteries" sort of bitch. Protective. I've always been grateful that she has my back and not my throat.
But really, I'm babbeling.I'll probably go watch Fruits Basket or finish Neverwhere and forget all about it. Having these kinds of experiences make you grow up. Its the reason adults are a hell of alot nicer than 5th graders. Because we've all had drama. We've all beeen shat on. We will all, at some point, shit on someone else, and regret it later. it's called empathy. Everyone involved was an asshole somewhere down the line.
We all take turns being the dog and pony show. Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the pony.
I should make these nostalgic posts more often, I sound a little like Mista Mikey.
Anyway, hope you all sleep well,
Cheers.