(no subject)
okay my homework is to try to imagine that it works out. that we could do this with another person.
okay. allie went on another date tonight and has one set up for tomorrow morning. so. i'm not in the most optimistic of moods because it upsets me when she goes on dates. it upsets me and it's annoying! it upsets me. i feel hurt and irrelevant and. i don't mean to say that i expect her to sit at home and wait for me to get home from working my second job but it does hurt my feelings! it upsets me!
why does it upset me?
it reminds me that i am not enough for her. and i don't like having to remember that.
okay. let's move on.
let's imagine that it works! there's three of us. he and allie go do something. i need to
okay let's take a quick break because i think i internalized what our relationship was more than she did and i'm just an idiot and allie was saying we'll be friends forever! and i was saying something else.
okay anyway. there's three of us. he and allie go do something. they offer for me to come along. i do come along. i get along with this person. i like this person. it works. we all three get along. it's like with andrew and kristin! that was never weird for me. they also tried very hard and they both loved me and we did things together and it wasn't weird at all. but i also knew my place? kristin was my best friend and andrew was her boyfriend and i was andrew's friend and we had things in common and we all had things in common.
but kristin also wasn't my WIFE. but what's the point of us being married? i don't think i want to have kids. so ?
no. back on track. so let's call allie's boyfriend mark. allie and mark are in our apartment. i am home and i ? don't have any questions about when i'm allowed to or allowed not to hang out with them / when i'm wanted not wanted. we have a system or an understanding and i know these things. we all hang out sometimes. i have my own friends that i spend time with while allie spends time with him. or i spend time alone. just like with andrew and kristin.
i can't walk around our apartment naked anymore, though, and i don't always get the front seat on road trips.
her having this relationship does not affect our relationship. our relationship was strong even when we didn't live together! but also we weren't married then.
so then we are hanging out. we are all just hanging out. and it's not weird. we're all doing our own thing. reading or whatever. we probably don't talk about fanfiction as freely, which is fine. the cats inevitably liking him more does not bother me.
allie talks to me about this relationship, probably. this is fine.
we go to family stuff. no one thinks of me differently or looks at me differently. no one likes him better.
okay. that's enough for now. i want to go to bed.