Christmas Cracker Jokes 2008
A bit belated, as it is the 8th day of Christmas today, but here is my Christmas Cracker joke selection for 2008. This year these are a mix of carefully selected jokes, and some quotes. If you are lucky I might even post previous years...
Traditionally I either make Christmas Crackers for the family dinners, or buy ones and add extras as the jokes in the bought crackers are really bad. One of the best things about marrying M is that he has this lovely uncle who likes Christmas Cracker jokes as much as me! (or he might just be very polite).
On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside
What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake
What did the digital watch say to the analogue watch?
Look! No hands!
The four stages of life for males
You believe in Santa Claus- You don't believe in Santa Claus- You become Santa Claus- You begin to look like Santa Claus.
What do you call a fish with no eyes
Fsh
Police arrested two lads, one was eating fireworks the other drinking battery acid.
They let one off and charged the other.
When's a door not a door?
When it's a jar.
What do you call a bull asleep on the ground? ...
A bulldozer
Did you hear about the leopard who had a bath every day? ...
He's spotless.
What do you call a man who used to be interested in tractors? ...
An ex-tractor fan.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Customer: How come this car is covered with dents - you said it had had one careful owner. ...
Salesman: The others weren't so careful.
Did you hear about the interesting list?
The leaning tower of Pisa
What's the difference between a market gardener and a snooker player? ...
One minds his peas, the other minds his cues.
What happened to the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube? ...
He made a laughing stock of himself.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon. ...
Doctor: Sit down and don't stir.
Why did the baker get an electric shock? ...
Because he stood on a bun and a currant ran up his leg.
What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
'Some day my prints will come!'
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”
-Ernestine Ulmer
“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.”
“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.”
-Oscar Wilde
“A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-Sir Winston Churchill
"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
-Penelope Lombard
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
-Mark Twain
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
-Terry Pratchett
“Who among us hasn't envied a cat's ability to ignore the cares of daily life and to relax completely?”
-Karen Brademeyer
“My idea of good company is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company.”
-Jane Austen
“Shipping is a terrible thing to do to vegetables. They probably get jet-lagged, just like people.”
-Elizabeth Berry
“After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps.”
-Miss Piggy
“Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.”
-Robert Byrne
“If God had intended us to follow recipes, He wouldn't have given us grandmothers. ”
-Linda Henley
“Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts.”
-Madame de Stael
“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”
-J. R. R. Tolkien
Traditionally I either make Christmas Crackers for the family dinners, or buy ones and add extras as the jokes in the bought crackers are really bad. One of the best things about marrying M is that he has this lovely uncle who likes Christmas Cracker jokes as much as me! (or he might just be very polite).
On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside
What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake
What did the digital watch say to the analogue watch?
Look! No hands!
The four stages of life for males
You believe in Santa Claus- You don't believe in Santa Claus- You become Santa Claus- You begin to look like Santa Claus.
What do you call a fish with no eyes
Fsh
Police arrested two lads, one was eating fireworks the other drinking battery acid.
They let one off and charged the other.
When's a door not a door?
When it's a jar.
What do you call a bull asleep on the ground? ...
A bulldozer
Did you hear about the leopard who had a bath every day? ...
He's spotless.
What do you call a man who used to be interested in tractors? ...
An ex-tractor fan.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Customer: How come this car is covered with dents - you said it had had one careful owner. ...
Salesman: The others weren't so careful.
Did you hear about the interesting list?
The leaning tower of Pisa
What's the difference between a market gardener and a snooker player? ...
One minds his peas, the other minds his cues.
What happened to the hyena that swallowed an Oxo cube? ...
He made a laughing stock of himself.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon. ...
Doctor: Sit down and don't stir.
Why did the baker get an electric shock? ...
Because he stood on a bun and a currant ran up his leg.
What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
'Some day my prints will come!'
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”
-Ernestine Ulmer
“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.”
“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.”
-Oscar Wilde
“A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-Sir Winston Churchill
"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
-Penelope Lombard
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
-Mark Twain
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
-Terry Pratchett
“Who among us hasn't envied a cat's ability to ignore the cares of daily life and to relax completely?”
-Karen Brademeyer
“My idea of good company is the company of clever, well-informed people who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company.”
-Jane Austen
“Shipping is a terrible thing to do to vegetables. They probably get jet-lagged, just like people.”
-Elizabeth Berry
“After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps.”
-Miss Piggy
“Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.”
-Robert Byrne
“If God had intended us to follow recipes, He wouldn't have given us grandmothers. ”
-Linda Henley
“Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts.”
-Madame de Stael
“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”
-J. R. R. Tolkien