My email to Kendra
I'm recording this, not for its content, which is trivial and menial, and frankly emotionally weak. But rather just to keep up the updating habit.
Subject: I have been remiss in my emails
and I'm sorry for that. So anyways...
I'll be in LA all summer long. I'm taking classes at UCLA and working at tours. I try to work out as much as I can. This is the summer I really say goodbye to home, which in a way is sad, but mostly it is a long time coming. It's good to be down here.
I've been cutting way back on my drinking. Alcohol just doesn't do me well, I always get out of control in whatever mood I am in. A little off becomes super sad, a little peeved becomes angry, contented becomes elated and overwhelmed. It's too much, so I am taking the old fashioned route and having a lot less when I do drink. I'm trying to keep it to three drinks, though I occasionally now go for a forth if I'm feeling crazy. Compared to my normal eight to nine, it looks pretty good!
Unfortunately my gramma has breast cancer. It's a common form, but a serious one. At about 82 years, this could be the beginning of the end, and it's scary especially for my mom. I am trying to see her at least weekly, and trying to just stay positive etc. It is said that when my grandfather heard the news that the lump was cancerous, he cried, and that this was the first time my gramma had ever seen him cry in 62 years of marriage. The next few months are gonna be tough on the family.
Things with Brian are a little strained. I don't know if you have heard the whole story, and it doesn't really matter. He has made generalizations about my character on multiple occasions, stuff no one has a right to say about anyone. We are friendly now and it's good.
I'm sorry, right now I am in a down mood. I got a full night's sleep last night and I was tired all day, wtf right? I think it has just knocked me off the horse and left me out of it. Really, life is good right now, I just feel trapped in my own head, selfish, petty thoughts get exaggerated etc. I will write you a happier email soon, I don't want this to be the only one.
I feel like I am going to be alone for a long time, and let me just say that I have never been so lonely. I am through hooking up, through being single. I find myself shying away from girls rather than talking to them, I don't know what's going on. I know it's just an overblown worry, trust me I know that. I mostly just laugh at myself, cause it really is just a silly worry. But I tell you, it keeps me up at night.
I assume Argentina is beautiful yes? I hope so. I hope your spanish is great, and your family too. Sorry again for the less-than-peppy email, I just really wanted to write you something while I was thinking about it. I'll write again! Keep in touch.
Colin
I was going to write: "All the things they told me about me being a great guy I am starting to think were just kind words, and fluff" in the email, but it was a little too melodramatic. But I am starting to think that. Maybe I'm not really a catch. I had always hoped I was a sleeper, a late bloomer, a guy that could love you and take care of you and appreciate you and that this would be worth something. I've really lost track of all that.
Remember: You are in control. Don't bend to weakness.
Subject: I have been remiss in my emails
and I'm sorry for that. So anyways...
I'll be in LA all summer long. I'm taking classes at UCLA and working at tours. I try to work out as much as I can. This is the summer I really say goodbye to home, which in a way is sad, but mostly it is a long time coming. It's good to be down here.
I've been cutting way back on my drinking. Alcohol just doesn't do me well, I always get out of control in whatever mood I am in. A little off becomes super sad, a little peeved becomes angry, contented becomes elated and overwhelmed. It's too much, so I am taking the old fashioned route and having a lot less when I do drink. I'm trying to keep it to three drinks, though I occasionally now go for a forth if I'm feeling crazy. Compared to my normal eight to nine, it looks pretty good!
Unfortunately my gramma has breast cancer. It's a common form, but a serious one. At about 82 years, this could be the beginning of the end, and it's scary especially for my mom. I am trying to see her at least weekly, and trying to just stay positive etc. It is said that when my grandfather heard the news that the lump was cancerous, he cried, and that this was the first time my gramma had ever seen him cry in 62 years of marriage. The next few months are gonna be tough on the family.
Things with Brian are a little strained. I don't know if you have heard the whole story, and it doesn't really matter. He has made generalizations about my character on multiple occasions, stuff no one has a right to say about anyone. We are friendly now and it's good.
I'm sorry, right now I am in a down mood. I got a full night's sleep last night and I was tired all day, wtf right? I think it has just knocked me off the horse and left me out of it. Really, life is good right now, I just feel trapped in my own head, selfish, petty thoughts get exaggerated etc. I will write you a happier email soon, I don't want this to be the only one.
I feel like I am going to be alone for a long time, and let me just say that I have never been so lonely. I am through hooking up, through being single. I find myself shying away from girls rather than talking to them, I don't know what's going on. I know it's just an overblown worry, trust me I know that. I mostly just laugh at myself, cause it really is just a silly worry. But I tell you, it keeps me up at night.
I assume Argentina is beautiful yes? I hope so. I hope your spanish is great, and your family too. Sorry again for the less-than-peppy email, I just really wanted to write you something while I was thinking about it. I'll write again! Keep in touch.
Colin
I was going to write: "All the things they told me about me being a great guy I am starting to think were just kind words, and fluff" in the email, but it was a little too melodramatic. But I am starting to think that. Maybe I'm not really a catch. I had always hoped I was a sleeper, a late bloomer, a guy that could love you and take care of you and appreciate you and that this would be worth something. I've really lost track of all that.
Remember: You are in control. Don't bend to weakness.