generic post
mmm - more blogging! i guess it generally goes that way. I've got blogging on my mind at the moment :)
So i guess i feel the need to splurge once again - for my own mental health.
I find it such a contradiction: i'm constantly working on being able to open up more, being able to articulate how i feel, share my opinions - basically make it so that i'm not misunderstood so much, or at the very least make it so people know where they stand with me. it frustrates me when i don't know where i stand with someone, and am constantly wondering if they like me, if they dislike me, if they are being nice to me to get something!
Anyway so the contradicion with this is that once i start to open up, once i start 'feeling'- i'm overcome with the urge to suppress it all, because i feel bad about telling other people about feelings that may not be 100% cheerful.
In reality - like i said last time life is good. i guess!
there are a few things that bother me which i wish to bitch about without feeling bad that i'm loading up other people, or being a burden on them. i'd hate to think i did that.
1) i suppose the thing thats worrying me most is uni. i'm drowning. i'm really struggling to maintain any level of dignity as i go plummeting into an unknown depth for me. I hate that in the past i've complained for no reason, because now i say i'm having difficulties and i get a pat on the back and a 'you'll be ok'.....no really i'm not sure i will be. It shouldn't cause so much tiredness, so much effort, and shouldn't cause me to cry quietly in my room while trying to figure out how i'm going to keep going to class day after day.
2) Its so tough putting on a facade of everything being ok. so hard on making sure people don't worry about me, show that i'm ok with the breakup, that i'm ok with it all. I'm putting almost as much energy at uni putting on a show that i'm ok than i am in all week.
3) money....i'm broke - my parents have offered but taking money off of them would be like taking money from a bank, only my parents wouldn't detract interest, no instead there would be the guilt and the lack of ability to use a car, suddently now when i need something its no longer available to me unless.....well 'x' chore needs doing and i've been visiting 'y' friend too much so i need to cut back. its fucking rediculous but i don't have the option of moveing...not for another year and a half.
anyway thats probably enough - when i'm getting bored of reading my own work i'm sure its time to draw to a close.
Time to slip into something a little more comfortable, like oblivion!
L
So i guess i feel the need to splurge once again - for my own mental health.
I find it such a contradiction: i'm constantly working on being able to open up more, being able to articulate how i feel, share my opinions - basically make it so that i'm not misunderstood so much, or at the very least make it so people know where they stand with me. it frustrates me when i don't know where i stand with someone, and am constantly wondering if they like me, if they dislike me, if they are being nice to me to get something!
Anyway so the contradicion with this is that once i start to open up, once i start 'feeling'- i'm overcome with the urge to suppress it all, because i feel bad about telling other people about feelings that may not be 100% cheerful.
In reality - like i said last time life is good. i guess!
there are a few things that bother me which i wish to bitch about without feeling bad that i'm loading up other people, or being a burden on them. i'd hate to think i did that.
1) i suppose the thing thats worrying me most is uni. i'm drowning. i'm really struggling to maintain any level of dignity as i go plummeting into an unknown depth for me. I hate that in the past i've complained for no reason, because now i say i'm having difficulties and i get a pat on the back and a 'you'll be ok'.....no really i'm not sure i will be. It shouldn't cause so much tiredness, so much effort, and shouldn't cause me to cry quietly in my room while trying to figure out how i'm going to keep going to class day after day.
2) Its so tough putting on a facade of everything being ok. so hard on making sure people don't worry about me, show that i'm ok with the breakup, that i'm ok with it all. I'm putting almost as much energy at uni putting on a show that i'm ok than i am in all week.
3) money....i'm broke - my parents have offered but taking money off of them would be like taking money from a bank, only my parents wouldn't detract interest, no instead there would be the guilt and the lack of ability to use a car, suddently now when i need something its no longer available to me unless.....well 'x' chore needs doing and i've been visiting 'y' friend too much so i need to cut back. its fucking rediculous but i don't have the option of moveing...not for another year and a half.
anyway thats probably enough - when i'm getting bored of reading my own work i'm sure its time to draw to a close.
Time to slip into something a little more comfortable, like oblivion!
L