i lit up that night.
i sat on the amp in my room all by myself. talking on the phone with billy. put on my black eyeliner. put on my black mascara. poofed out the back on my light brown/reddish/growing out black hair. brushed the front straight. stuck a piece of gum in my mouth. licked my lips. wondered about where my chapstick was. i smiled.
during this time last year... i was sitting on the floor in my room. felix sitting on my bed, playing the guitar. i was putting on my dark green eyeliner. putting on my black mascara. running my chapstick over and over on my lips. searching for perfection. poofing out and spritz and spraying the back of my hair, which was black. and brushing straight the front, which was green. and then carefully applying a little clip with a bow that had a black and white checkered pattern, carefully placing it on the side of my head, holding some of my bangs. i would look into the mirror, and stare. then i would look at felix. he nodded in approval. i would smile.
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i've noticed the little details that are different. i've changed alot, but my habits are obviously the same. just the little things are different. but... i believe its those little things... that made it so special. its the little things that are making this year so special. its kind of funny. i dont know. things are so different. but they are exactly the same. that scares me.
last night i was talking to my friend sharif. i was talking about felix. i was talking about billy. and it came to me. that ... the way i feel/act/think about billy, is similiar to how i was with felix. well.. during the beginning of mine and felix's relationship. its scary. i am excited, because i can recall so many good things in mine and felix's relationship. but it scares me because i can recall the bad.
however, even though its similar, its also completely different. billy isnt felix. i am not the same person i was when i first met felix. so. why do i feel anything (scared/excited)? because. i can.
---
i can.
during this time last year... i was sitting on the floor in my room. felix sitting on my bed, playing the guitar. i was putting on my dark green eyeliner. putting on my black mascara. running my chapstick over and over on my lips. searching for perfection. poofing out and spritz and spraying the back of my hair, which was black. and brushing straight the front, which was green. and then carefully applying a little clip with a bow that had a black and white checkered pattern, carefully placing it on the side of my head, holding some of my bangs. i would look into the mirror, and stare. then i would look at felix. he nodded in approval. i would smile.
---
i've noticed the little details that are different. i've changed alot, but my habits are obviously the same. just the little things are different. but... i believe its those little things... that made it so special. its the little things that are making this year so special. its kind of funny. i dont know. things are so different. but they are exactly the same. that scares me.
last night i was talking to my friend sharif. i was talking about felix. i was talking about billy. and it came to me. that ... the way i feel/act/think about billy, is similiar to how i was with felix. well.. during the beginning of mine and felix's relationship. its scary. i am excited, because i can recall so many good things in mine and felix's relationship. but it scares me because i can recall the bad.
however, even though its similar, its also completely different. billy isnt felix. i am not the same person i was when i first met felix. so. why do i feel anything (scared/excited)? because. i can.
---
i can.