First time for everything
I've never been the sort of person to do this.. I mean writing down thoughts and dreams and hopes had always seemed like the easiest way someone can hurt you.. I'd rather just either cope with my problems on my own or...Gods forbid, bother friends with it....Ok well anywho enough with that. Here's what's going on: I am putting soooo much pressure on my dream: To go here http://www.kubertsworld.com/kubertschool/KubertSchool.htm and get outta here....here being the Oregon Coast. Why you might ask? too much to tell at once, maybe later...maybe lol. suffice it to say, I don't think in terms of "when I get around to it" or " If I get there this year" No not anymore...a few friends whose voices mimic the screaming in my head and heart have gotten me off my ass and I can never express my gratitude enough for that it's painful to think how close I came to giving up before certain people hammered their point into my skull..Gods that sounds so errrrr!!! just annoyed at this point, not by anything today just...My age, my Procrastinating arse, struggles, day to day ho hum, let downs, pains, ect... waaa waaa waaa I wanna be further than this but the more I push the more my mind pulls that imagination that once upon a time would come to me so readily like an overly enthusiastic playmate or invisible friend. Now that invisible "fiend" takes some sort of sadistic pleasure in teasing me.. My Job as a housekeeper doesn't fuel my artistic fires, I hate to sound like a silly old fool, but I want what I had, once upon a time, BACK! I wanna practically drool over my sketch pad as the image in my brain glows brighter as I continue to pour it out on paper, I wanna get so excited when I furiously draw trying to outrace that image before it disappears, like chasing a particularly pleasant dream as you wake. I haven't slept well lately, don't know where that came from, maybe I just wanna make excuses for lack of work being done....No, excuses aren't gonna help me there must be a discipline...This school is serious, I can't just go and get accepted. If they don't think I have what it takes to be a serious artist then they won't take me... It's easier now that I no longer have someone special in my life, again I'll prolly go into that in more detail a little later...Maybe a LOT later I dunno...I wanna go hiking, and see this peaceful place I call "My spot" but it's too dark...: when money is no longer an object, or at least isn't as much of one as it is now, Buy Night vision goggles!
I keep dreaming about going to this school, the inspirations in my family when I was little didn't do anything with their talent and now they don't have that talent anymore, no drive, no passion, dead...I feel like I'm fighting the "good enough" and "I'll settle for" monsters LOL
it's more of a struggle to just allow myself to sink in here and "settle" for this life and finding some other means to make it work here...My worst nightmare!!! NO NO NO I will break free I will CONQUER I will ! I MUST!! I must not procrastinate. I've done a little math, if I wanna do this by may, I need four to five pieces done every month, until May. The School wants at least Fifteen pieces in their hot little hands ( Good ones!), before the phone interview and all this must be well before Sept. when the school year starts...I've never wanted something this bad before... I used to be afraid to do this alone, now I don't care if I have to do this from a dumpster outside the school, Hell I don't care if I can't even afford top Ramen or mac & cheese to live off of! LOL
Well I've needed to vent THAT one off for quite some time...strangely, I feel better. I'm still not sure how I feel about having a Journal. I think that's it for now, I started this account a while ago and thought since I'm in a weird mood today, "undefined" as it were, I'd take this opportunity to use this moment before I back out and say "This is stupid, why post my inner thoughts and let some insecure little fools mock me at my most sincere". Hell with it! why not? So go ahead any who read this, respond away... If I get afflicted with the "little man's syndrome" and get defensive, then Why did I choose to do this in the first place? No this was my choice, I needed something new today..
I keep dreaming about going to this school, the inspirations in my family when I was little didn't do anything with their talent and now they don't have that talent anymore, no drive, no passion, dead...I feel like I'm fighting the "good enough" and "I'll settle for" monsters LOL
it's more of a struggle to just allow myself to sink in here and "settle" for this life and finding some other means to make it work here...My worst nightmare!!! NO NO NO I will break free I will CONQUER I will ! I MUST!! I must not procrastinate. I've done a little math, if I wanna do this by may, I need four to five pieces done every month, until May. The School wants at least Fifteen pieces in their hot little hands ( Good ones!), before the phone interview and all this must be well before Sept. when the school year starts...I've never wanted something this bad before... I used to be afraid to do this alone, now I don't care if I have to do this from a dumpster outside the school, Hell I don't care if I can't even afford top Ramen or mac & cheese to live off of! LOL
Well I've needed to vent THAT one off for quite some time...strangely, I feel better. I'm still not sure how I feel about having a Journal. I think that's it for now, I started this account a while ago and thought since I'm in a weird mood today, "undefined" as it were, I'd take this opportunity to use this moment before I back out and say "This is stupid, why post my inner thoughts and let some insecure little fools mock me at my most sincere". Hell with it! why not? So go ahead any who read this, respond away... If I get afflicted with the "little man's syndrome" and get defensive, then Why did I choose to do this in the first place? No this was my choice, I needed something new today..