I imagine that's because Tara and Spike were the partners on the receiving end of abuse (at least, if one fails to recognize how equally bad Buffy and Spike were to each other).
Oh and THAT just puzzles me to no end. W/T does not = B/S, although the relationships are paralle, they are not the exact same power dynamic. I said a while back on one of my earlier metas that I thought the B/S relationship was mutually abusive (but they are both consenting participants in a very unhealthy dynamic); while Willow/Tara are coded as being somewhat more similar to the common cultural conception of abusive relationships: the stronger abuser/weaker victim scenario. (Which is true in many instances but is not the whole truth.)
I got in a lot of trouble and had to backtrack a bit, but I still believe it's true. What's done to Tara is done behind her back, and we're told that Willow is more powerful (stronger) in her magicks. I think at the time the other person thought I was dissing Willow, which I wasn't. I understand and on some level sympathize with all of them; I've been on both sides of the equation (quadrangle?)
I also thought that depicting a lesbian relationship in which abuse occurs was very brave at the time and have gotten in trouble for saying that as well. but it's the dirty little secret - I was shocked 20 years ago when a friend told me she was raped by another woman because I had no idea women (much less lesbians) were capable of such things. I still believed the idealized version.
Looking back, part of the reason I was able to write that when I did was because I felt I'd turned a corner in my life. Climbing back to my feet. And writing that was a part of standing again. And perhaps the most shocking turn was that as I waited for the first comments to my essay, worrying that people would be uncomfortable or look at me in a negative light, instead I found an immense solidarity and meeting of minds and hearts. My being open brought others to be open.
YES. This is very much what I've experienced, it's just having the courage to take that first step (or in my case, taking first steps, getting bit in the ass - or at least bruised - withdrawing, until the isolation is unbearable and I take another step out. If that makes sense?) Today I was talking to fray_adjacent12 and rec'ing your essay alongside Allie's Brosh's "Depression Pt 2" on Hyperbole and a Half. Have you read it? Superb and funny description of depression and she nails it to a T.
I've wondered, rereading your essay (and it's companion piece on depression and creativity), how things have gone since then in terms of your depression; has it been a case of a corner permanently turned, or revisited now and then? In my own case, I have a hard time remembering "this too shall pass" when I'm either up or down, although I can very easily remind others of the same.
I'm in your corner looking forward to reading it, of course.
*hugs* that means a lot to me, thank you.
It's a bit like discovering boxes and boxes of old letters between friends, isn't it?
Yes, exactly! I've always had a love for old books, letters, documents, bits and pieces that bear the marks of lives lived before my time that I can only guess at.
Oh and THAT just puzzles me to no end. W/T does not = B/S, although the relationships are paralle, they are not the exact same power dynamic. I said a while back on one of my earlier metas that I thought the B/S relationship was mutually abusive (but they are both consenting participants in a very unhealthy dynamic); while Willow/Tara are coded as being somewhat more similar to the common cultural conception of abusive relationships: the stronger abuser/weaker victim scenario. (Which is true in many instances but is not the whole truth.)
I got in a lot of trouble and had to backtrack a bit, but I still believe it's true. What's done to Tara is done behind her back, and we're told that Willow is more powerful (stronger) in her magicks. I think at the time the other person thought I was dissing Willow, which I wasn't. I understand and on some level sympathize with all of them; I've been on both sides of the equation (quadrangle?)
I also thought that depicting a lesbian relationship in which abuse occurs was very brave at the time and have gotten in trouble for saying that as well. but it's the dirty little secret - I was shocked 20 years ago when a friend told me she was raped by another woman because I had no idea women (much less lesbians) were capable of such things. I still believed the idealized version.
Sorry, that was a tangent, wasn't it?
BTW, I've been having some interesting conversations with spuffy_luvr and eilowyn about Spike/Tara shipping. It's a subject I've been afraid to broach but am finally drawing up the courage to tackle, because it's connected to larger issues re: sexual orientation and the ways we categorize relationships and sexuality in fandom and culturally.
http://red-satin-doll.livejournal.com/17902.html?thread=378094#t378094
http://red-satin-doll.livejournal.com/18670.html?view=411374#t411374
Looking back, part of the reason I was able to write that when I did was because I felt I'd turned a corner in my life. Climbing back to my feet. And writing that was a part of standing again. And perhaps the most shocking turn was that as I waited for the first comments to my essay, worrying that people would be uncomfortable or look at me in a negative light, instead I found an immense solidarity and meeting of minds and hearts. My being open brought others to be open.
YES. This is very much what I've experienced, it's just having the courage to take that first step (or in my case, taking first steps, getting bit in the ass - or at least bruised - withdrawing, until the isolation is unbearable and I take another step out. If that makes sense?) Today I was talking to fray_adjacent12 and rec'ing your essay alongside Allie's Brosh's "Depression Pt 2" on Hyperbole and a Half. Have you read it? Superb and funny description of depression and she nails it to a T.
I've wondered, rereading your essay (and it's companion piece on depression and creativity), how things have gone since then in terms of your depression; has it been a case of a corner permanently turned, or revisited now and then? In my own case, I have a hard time remembering "this too shall pass" when I'm either up or down, although I can very easily remind others of the same.
I'm in your corner looking forward to reading it, of course.
*hugs* that means a lot to me, thank you.
It's a bit like discovering boxes and boxes of old letters between friends, isn't it?
Yes, exactly! I've always had a love for old books, letters, documents, bits and pieces that bear the marks of lives lived before my time that I can only guess at.
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