and now i'm back to the backburner.

[red_rowan]

how typical. my stupid selfserving mental self torture seems to have taken a turn for the worst. and i may have lost one of my best friends over it. let alone the fact i am absolutely terrified of the future, but wish it would come faster. i can't sleep. i can't eat. my imagination is far worse than whats actually happening to me, but then i come back to reality and even though what i was imagining was absolutely terrible, it in no way whatsoever makes reality any bit better. i just don't get it. i can't tell if i'm actually just repeating myself, or getting worse.

i watched pulp fiction the other night. like 3/4 of it. i just want to get really fucking high and forget everything.
i've almost started smoking cigs on a regular basis. minus the part where there is nothing regular about it.
and i have no addiction, or headache that makes me crave them. so its perfect.

thanksgiving kinda was so so. food was great, saw my little cousins which was nice. also avoided my dads side of the family which is always nice. but i started admitting a lot of things to myself lately, and i've convinced myself that with my latest set of decisions, i'm not worth much to anyone. which is rather depressing.

i'd like to get the fuck out of this town. this state. even the country.
baby steps.
step one, don't fail out of this semester.
jk, step one go to bed and try to sleep more than 4 hours. then worry about the rest later.

i wanna go somewhere warm, where i don't know a single person.