(no subject)
there are only so many times that i can watch my parents on the brink of death.
dad is in the hospital again, breathing tubes, catheters, dialysis that's not really dialysis but is supposed to prevent future dialysis, the whole shabang.
he's at UCSF which makes me feel better than if i had taken him to county. luckily he was already in their system because of a hematology referral so they're keeping him there.
they are starting intensive chemotherapy and that will tell us whether he will get better or if this is it. though i've probably heard that close to 10 times between both of my parents so it's hard for me to accept that and let my body go through those emotions again right now. it's incredibly exhausting to be grieving the inevitable death of a parent so many times just to have them get better enough to function for a little while and end up right back where they were a few months later.
the difference is that UCSF is one of the best blood disease hospitals out there so...they haven't given up yet.
i told them that dad didn't want to stay hooked up to a bunch of machines if it was just to keep him alive. they said that they still have a number of options and aren't ready to say that he won't get better yet.
what's so frustrating is that we FINALLY got to see the UCSF doctor and 4 days before we were supposed to talk dad in to start treatment his condition got so much worse. we're seeing a doctor that is convinced they will cure this disease in the near future and has so many treatment plans that none of my dad's other doctors even mentioned. we're so fucking close. so fucking close.
so now it's up to me to make these calls as to whether to continue treatment and let them hook my dad up to all this shit or to stop treatment. i know my dad hates these machines and breathing tubes and that he doesn't want it but i have to know if these other treatments might just work. i told the doctors that if things don't look like they are improving in a week that we will probably decide to unhook him from all these things. i know he doesn't want it. i know i wouldn't want it.
i never want to have children have to sit there and watch me die. watching someone die over a long period of time is excruciating.
i just don't know what to do anymore. it's hard having to be the one to make these decisions when i don't know anything about medicine. i do plays and cut hair. my skills are so irrelevant and these doctors have to go through me for every decision for treatment at this point.
luckily i'm not working this month so i at least have the time to be available for all of this. i'm broke as shit but better now than next month when i start of my show down in palo alto.
i hope when i die, it's quick. none of this drawn out disease get better then get worse then get better then get worse bullshit.
dad is in the hospital again, breathing tubes, catheters, dialysis that's not really dialysis but is supposed to prevent future dialysis, the whole shabang.
he's at UCSF which makes me feel better than if i had taken him to county. luckily he was already in their system because of a hematology referral so they're keeping him there.
they are starting intensive chemotherapy and that will tell us whether he will get better or if this is it. though i've probably heard that close to 10 times between both of my parents so it's hard for me to accept that and let my body go through those emotions again right now. it's incredibly exhausting to be grieving the inevitable death of a parent so many times just to have them get better enough to function for a little while and end up right back where they were a few months later.
the difference is that UCSF is one of the best blood disease hospitals out there so...they haven't given up yet.
i told them that dad didn't want to stay hooked up to a bunch of machines if it was just to keep him alive. they said that they still have a number of options and aren't ready to say that he won't get better yet.
what's so frustrating is that we FINALLY got to see the UCSF doctor and 4 days before we were supposed to talk dad in to start treatment his condition got so much worse. we're seeing a doctor that is convinced they will cure this disease in the near future and has so many treatment plans that none of my dad's other doctors even mentioned. we're so fucking close. so fucking close.
so now it's up to me to make these calls as to whether to continue treatment and let them hook my dad up to all this shit or to stop treatment. i know my dad hates these machines and breathing tubes and that he doesn't want it but i have to know if these other treatments might just work. i told the doctors that if things don't look like they are improving in a week that we will probably decide to unhook him from all these things. i know he doesn't want it. i know i wouldn't want it.
i never want to have children have to sit there and watch me die. watching someone die over a long period of time is excruciating.
i just don't know what to do anymore. it's hard having to be the one to make these decisions when i don't know anything about medicine. i do plays and cut hair. my skills are so irrelevant and these doctors have to go through me for every decision for treatment at this point.
luckily i'm not working this month so i at least have the time to be available for all of this. i'm broke as shit but better now than next month when i start of my show down in palo alto.
i hope when i die, it's quick. none of this drawn out disease get better then get worse then get better then get worse bullshit.