brief notes and tarot du jour
Brief notes
If I'm ever to get out of here (work ) at a reasonable hour, I can't spend too long writing now. Sigh.
Not all that much to report. I am all gung-ho about knitting (and in typical ADD fashion, have ideas for too many projects, o well). Work is going slightly better, but I have to finish the doc from Hell. It was really due today, and I'm not being all that productive, so I'd best cut my losses and get out of here.
Looks like I'm going to a 3 day horseback riding retreat in the beginning of August, thanks to lyonesse. I've never been on a horse in my life, but I always wanted to try. Yeep. I'd never do this by myself, and there aren't that many people I'd trust to do this with -- I'm scared as hell of heights, and likely to yammer. But I do trust lyonesse and our other partner in crime for three days, coffeekitty. I need to do things that scare me somewhat on a regular basis, and this looks like a good one to tackle. Yeep.
Five of Cups
Crashed again this weekend, hard. Dammit. I am everlasting sick of being depressed and miserable and lonely. I stayed up all night Friday night (always a bad move, and if I'm already headed downward, that just accelerates it), slept a lot Saturday and was pretty much too depressed to leave the house on Sunday. I hate this. So I reached the conclusion that I need to up the Strattera (I wasn't at the target dose yet, and had sorta been hoping I wouldn't have to keep increasing. I tend to have a high tolerance for meds. It's inconvenient at best.) and have done so, and will see psychopharm Wednesday AM. And speaking of dirty laundry, that's part of the wretched package: I hate going downstairs to deal with laundry. There's been a wet load in the washer for a few days now, and I'll have to run it again. Sigh. And I didn't get the trash & recycling out, either.
Called my brother last night in an effort to pull myself at least partly out of the soggy mire. It helped a little. I'm still obsessing over my ex, who is happy with someone else now. I hadn't liked being alone before him, but I'd been alone for 7 years, and tho' I was cranky about it, I was used to it. I find it harder than ever to be alone now, and harbor a nasty suspicion that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't get into relationships easily, and it's pure hell when they end. And I'm 40 now, and I feel rather old to expect someone to want me. Sigh. I've never been very good at this. I'm still not. X was the fourth fellow I'd been involved with. I really don't do this too often. It would be self-indulgent to get all bitter and Dorothy Parker about it. Truth is, I really do want to be married someday. I just don't think anyone will want to marry me. I'm no bargain in a lot of ways. X was in love with me, and I with him, and we couldn't make it work. Or he gave up. Or both are true.
I feel rather churlish, because I'm lucky enough to have friends who really do care about me, and I still bitch relentlessly about how lonely I am. Well, to put it bluntly, I sleep alone (ok, with cats, but no other humans), and I'm not happy about it. No-one knows if I stay up all night anymore; no-one knows if I stay out all night anymore. Having lost both parents factors into this, too.
Gee, can anyone tell that we broke up a year ago? Anniversary angst? You betcha.
This is just more maundering. I must needs take myself off rather than spend an hour websurfing and wasting time. With any luck, I'll manage to get up early tomorrow and shock my manager speechless again by getting in before he does. It was really worth it to put a stunned mackeral expression on his face.
It is the five of cups all over: even my therapist told me to stop focusing on what I don't have, and keep thinking about what I do have. I have the proverbial mind to make this friends-only, but for now I'll leave it public.
And now, I must needs hie me hence.
If I'm ever to get out of here (work ) at a reasonable hour, I can't spend too long writing now. Sigh.
Not all that much to report. I am all gung-ho about knitting (and in typical ADD fashion, have ideas for too many projects, o well). Work is going slightly better, but I have to finish the doc from Hell. It was really due today, and I'm not being all that productive, so I'd best cut my losses and get out of here.
Looks like I'm going to a 3 day horseback riding retreat in the beginning of August, thanks to lyonesse. I've never been on a horse in my life, but I always wanted to try. Yeep. I'd never do this by myself, and there aren't that many people I'd trust to do this with -- I'm scared as hell of heights, and likely to yammer. But I do trust lyonesse and our other partner in crime for three days, coffeekitty. I need to do things that scare me somewhat on a regular basis, and this looks like a good one to tackle. Yeep.
Five of Cups
Crashed again this weekend, hard. Dammit. I am everlasting sick of being depressed and miserable and lonely. I stayed up all night Friday night (always a bad move, and if I'm already headed downward, that just accelerates it), slept a lot Saturday and was pretty much too depressed to leave the house on Sunday. I hate this. So I reached the conclusion that I need to up the Strattera (I wasn't at the target dose yet, and had sorta been hoping I wouldn't have to keep increasing. I tend to have a high tolerance for meds. It's inconvenient at best.) and have done so, and will see psychopharm Wednesday AM. And speaking of dirty laundry, that's part of the wretched package: I hate going downstairs to deal with laundry. There's been a wet load in the washer for a few days now, and I'll have to run it again. Sigh. And I didn't get the trash & recycling out, either.
Called my brother last night in an effort to pull myself at least partly out of the soggy mire. It helped a little. I'm still obsessing over my ex, who is happy with someone else now. I hadn't liked being alone before him, but I'd been alone for 7 years, and tho' I was cranky about it, I was used to it. I find it harder than ever to be alone now, and harbor a nasty suspicion that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't get into relationships easily, and it's pure hell when they end. And I'm 40 now, and I feel rather old to expect someone to want me. Sigh. I've never been very good at this. I'm still not. X was the fourth fellow I'd been involved with. I really don't do this too often. It would be self-indulgent to get all bitter and Dorothy Parker about it. Truth is, I really do want to be married someday. I just don't think anyone will want to marry me. I'm no bargain in a lot of ways. X was in love with me, and I with him, and we couldn't make it work. Or he gave up. Or both are true.
I feel rather churlish, because I'm lucky enough to have friends who really do care about me, and I still bitch relentlessly about how lonely I am. Well, to put it bluntly, I sleep alone (ok, with cats, but no other humans), and I'm not happy about it. No-one knows if I stay up all night anymore; no-one knows if I stay out all night anymore. Having lost both parents factors into this, too.
Gee, can anyone tell that we broke up a year ago? Anniversary angst? You betcha.
This is just more maundering. I must needs take myself off rather than spend an hour websurfing and wasting time. With any luck, I'll manage to get up early tomorrow and shock my manager speechless again by getting in before he does. It was really worth it to put a stunned mackeral expression on his face.
It is the five of cups all over: even my therapist told me to stop focusing on what I don't have, and keep thinking about what I do have. I have the proverbial mind to make this friends-only, but for now I'll leave it public.
And now, I must needs hie me hence.