TVXQ Fic: The Defeat of Lord Voldermin
Title: The Defeat of Lord Voldermin a.k.a How Chunglish Saved The World(sort of) a.k.a DUN DUN DUN
Genre: Crack, AU, humor
Rating: PG-13 maybe?
Pairing(s)/Character(s): YooMinChun, probably YunJae, Junsu, Suju, etc.
Length: Chaptered
Warning: CRACK
Summary: Prince Junsu/Princess Junko has been kidnapped by Lord Voldermin who has plans for world domination! It's up to Prince Yoochun to save the day! DUN DUN DUN
Author's Notes: Dedicated to all the wonderful KISS Couple shippers LOL. And people who enjoy crackfics. This was supposed to be a oneshot that just became... THIS. So much crack. I don't even- X_x
~*~
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away called Shinki, lived an evil dark lord by the name of Shim Changmin a.k.a Lord Voldermin. He was evil. Really evil. Like, the evilest person on the planet. He was so evil that he made fangirls scream with his utter evilness.
Oh wait, did I say evil?
I meant, hot.
But he was evil too.
And this time, I mean evil.
Lord Voldermin lived in his not-so-secret evil lair on top of a dark and scary hill. It was supposed to be secret until his fangirls found out about it and posted about it on his fansite. Needless to say, it is now one of Shinki’s most popular attractions and you can read all about it in this handy ‘Welcome to Shinki’ pamphlet. Only for 500000 won!
"But that’s too expensive!" a tourist complained.
The fangirls killed him.
Fine, no they didn’t.
But he wished they did…
...Anyway.
The only thing standing in the way of Lord Voldermin and total world domination is the royal family. Yes, the royal family has been a pain in Lord Voldermin’s oh so sexy ass since many years ago...
If you want to know more, please refer to Lord Voldermin’s official biography on his official fansite:
www.stopstalkingmeyoucrazyfangirls.com
~*~
Easy was not a word Lord Voldermin would use to describe the life of an evil dark lord. In fact, he would have used the word bothersome, tiring and well, evil. However, he had somehow managed to find a way to adapt to his current evil dark lifestyle and it’s times like this that make him enjoy his evil dark lord status.
"Let me go!" Changmin’s victim struggled in the giant bubble that he had been imprisoned in.
Changmin tilted his head in consideration. "Hmmm… how about… no?"
Prince Junsu a.k.a Princess Junko banged his hand against the clear hard surface of his bubble prison. "Damnit Changmin! My brother’s not going to let you get away with this!"
"Unfortunately for you, Your Highness, I’m evil and you’re just about as threatening as a teddy bear." With a wave of his hand, long thick ropes appeared and coiled tightly around Junsu, restraining him from any movement.
Unperturbed by the ropes, Junsu looked at his captor. "Do you mean evil as in ‘hot’ or evil as in 'evil'?"
Changmin blinked. "Why would it be unfortunate for you if I was hot? Wait, are you turned on by the ropes?" Changmin’s face paled at the thought. "What is wrong with you?! I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Jaejoong-hyung!"
"What?! Hell no! Just… NO," Junsu sputtered. "And teddy bears are SCARY!" he continued. Sadly, Lord Voldermin did not listen to a word he said. Traumatized by Junsu’s apparent rope fetish(Junsu: I DO NOT HAVE A ROPE FETISH!), Lord Voldermin grabbed the end of said kinky rope and dragged Junsu back to his lair like a child with a balloon. A huge balloon with a young man in it.
They didn’t hear the click of a camera as they disappeared into the shadows.
~*~
King Yunho got up from his bed with a start. "I sense a disturbance in the force," he mumbled to himself before grabbing his Royal Laptop and checking his bookmark links.
"No…" He stared, horrified at what he saw. "I’m down to number 2 on the Hottest Kings In The World chart… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
-OOOOOOOOO" King Yunho woke up with a start. "Oh, oh, it was just a dream. I’m still the super hottest king in the whole wide world," he said with relief. But just to make sure, he grabbed his Royal Laptop and checked his bookmark links.
“Yup, still number one.” Yunho clicked to the next link. And paused, “Not again,” he muttered wearily to himself.
~*~
“Prince Yoochun! Prince Yoochun!”
Prince Yoochun opened his eyes briefly before closing them again and muffling his head with his pillow, ignoring the frantic knocks on his huge bedroom doors.
"PRINCE YOOCHUN! OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW OR GOD HELP ME I’LL JUMP OFF THE TOP FLOOR OF THE HIGHEST TOWER AND DIE AND I’LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU SO THAT YOU CAN NEVER HAVE A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP WHICH WILL AFFECT YOUR STAMINA AND YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET LAID IN YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFEEEEEEE- EEK" Chancellor Heechul paused in his rant when the door opened to reveal Prince Yoochun with a pillow in his hand and a blurry glare in his eyes.
"Must kill noisy one," he mumbled blearily, still mostly asleep.
"You can’t do that!"
"Give me one good reason."
"Because I’m beautiful?"
"Wrong reason."
"Damn- ACK"
~*~
After realizing that a pillow was a lousy weapon to beat someone to death with and after Heechul got some coffee into his system, Prince Yoochun was ready to meet his old friend, King Yunho who had summoned him.
"Yoochun, it was horrible!"
"There there," Prince Yoochun said while patting King Yunho’s shoulders awkwardly.
"I was number TWO!"
Yoochun gasped. "NO! Not number TWO? That’s just... wow.. that’s horrible!"
Yunho looked at him with a frown. "You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?"
"Not a clue."
"I had a nightmare!"
"NO!" Yoochun gasped. Again. "Is that the crisis that you summoned me here for at this ungodly hour?"
"It’s 11a.m."
"UNGODLY HOUR," Yoochun repeated.
Yunho sniffled. "NO, that’s not the crisis. My beloved baby brother has been kidnapped!"
DUN DUN DUN
"By who?"
"By the evil dark lord Shim Changmin a.k.a Lord Voldermin."
DUN DUN DUN
Yoochun frowned. "How do you know this?"
"One of my fangirls posted a link to my fansite," Yunho answered and he showed Yoochun the Royal Laptop’s screen.
LORD VOLDERMIN & PRINCESS JUN-CHAN: EVIL PLANS OR BDSM SCANDAL?!
BREAKING NEWS. Late last night, it has been reported that Lord Voldermin had been seen tying up Princess Junko and dragging him off to the SECRET LAIR. Some of our experts say that this is part of some nefarious plot and that Lord Voldermin was kidnapping Princess Junko for his evil schemes. While some of our other experts theorized that this may be part of some kinky mating ritual that the dark lord and princess have. Which is it? What is Lord Voldermin up to? Will our princess be safe? Is the royal family in trouble? Does Princess Junko enjoy being tied up? Does Lord Voldermin carry around rope with him all the time???
Stay tuned for more BREAKING NEWS: News that will BREAK your brains.
Prince Yoochun grabbed the royal laptop and scrolled through the post. "Wow… look at all these comments…"
"That’s not the point."
"Kyaaaa Changmin oppa and Junsu oppa are so in love," Yoochun read a comment,"I always knew they had something kinky going on," he read another.
"MinSu fangirls," Yunho muttered grimly.
Yoochun ignored the king. "Oppa didn’t mean it," he continued reading.
"Ohhh oppa DID mean it. If I know Lord Voldermin, and I do, he’s definitely up to no good."
"So…" Yoochun started, "Who’s Lord Voldermin?"
"My family’s arch-nemesis," Yunho practically growled. "He’s held a grudge against my family for years."
"So you must really hate him…"
"Not particularly." Yunho paused. "Was the growling too much?"
"No, Your Majesty. It was perfect. Very… kingly," said Yoochun reassuringly.
"Good. Anyway, YOU, Prince Yoochun," Yunho pointed his hand at Yoochun’s nose dramatically, "have been chosen to go and rescue my beloved baby brother."
Yoochun’s nose felt shy at the close proximity of His Majesty’s finger. Yoochun pushed the finger away with a frown. “Do I look like a Pokemon to you?"
King Yunho considered the question seriously. "Sometimes," he answered.
Yoochun glared. Yunho smiled. Yoochun sighed. "Do I have to?"
Yunho nodded dramatically. "Your King Commands It."
"Why can’t my king command somebody else?"
"Because everybody else your king has sent to face Lord Voldermin… HAS FAILED." King Yunho paused then looked up towards the windows. "Damnit, there was supposed to be lightning and thunder when I said that. I seriously have no idea why I pay those Weathermakers if they’re not going to do their jobs."
"What do Weathermakers do exactly?" Yoochun asked.
"They… well… make weathers."
"Is that even possible?"
King Yunho restrained himself from rolling his eyes in an unkingly way. "It’s a crackfic, Yoochun. Anything’s possible."
"It’s a what?" And then lightning flashed and the sound of thunder rumbled through the Royal Hall ominously.
Yunho took out his Royal IPhone. "Guys, NOT NOW. You were late! Seriously, why am I paying you guys at all?" Yunho cut the line and turned back to Yoochun. "What were you saying?"
Yoochun blinked. "I… don’t remember." He shook his head as if to clear it. "Well, I guess it doesn’t matter." He turned to the king who was sitting agitatedly on the throne. "What happened to all your knights?"
"They all failed. Lord Voldermin defeated them all."
"Sir Leeteuk?"
"He ran back here crying about how he was too old for this and how he should have joined that boy band when he was younger."
"Sir Kangin?"
"He came back here ranting about how he met a beautiful dark angel and that it was sign from God and he quit the Knight Order and became a priest at the village chantry. Leeteuk’s with him there too."
"…Sir Donghae?"
"He swore to never leave this castle. He’s our new Weathermaker."
"Ah… And Sir Eun-"
"Also our Weathermaker."
"Sir Hangeng?"
"He went back to China, saying that he can’t deal with the unbearable conditions and that he needed a long long long vacation."
"…Sir Siwon?"
"In China with Sir Hangeng."
"Wow, Lord Voldermin got to him too???"
"What? No no, ‘love’ got to him. Before I could even command him to go after Lord Voldermin, I received a message from him saying that he and Sir Hangeng are both going to elope together to China…"
"Awww… that’s kinda sweet…"
"I’d better watch out for your Chancellor if I were you. According to my sources, Siwon and Hangeng were eyeing him before they left."
"…Noted. So that leaves…" Yoochun trailed off as he reached the appropriate conclusion.
"You. You’re the only one we can count on now. So congratulations Prince Yoochun, you get to be a hero." King Yunho smiled brightly.
"Well… I do love being a hero."
Yunho clapped his hands together. "Ok then, let’s make this official. Prince Yoochun, I hereby command you to rescue Prince Junsu who is being kept prisoner by the evil Lord Voldermin!"
Yoochun bowed down. "As you wish, Your Majesty. Prince Junsu will be saved." And with a sweep of his cape, Prince Yoochun left the royal castle, got into his Porsche and set off for Lord Voldermin’s not-so-secret lair.
~*~
"Hmm, that’s strange." Junsu suddenly said as he sat in his bubble prison which was floating next to Lord Voldermin’s evil throne where Lord Voldermin was sitting.
"What is?" Lord Voldermin asked his prisoner.
"I just had a feeling that I am going to be really REALLY screwed."
Changmin didn’t tell him but he had the exact same feeling too.
DUN DUN DUN
Changmin decided to just leave it be. He was Lord Voldermin. He could deal with anything. ANYTHING.
And then he read the fangirls comments about his and Prince Junsu's supposed kinky mating ritual and his brain broke.
Junsu rolled his bubble prison a little closer and read over Changmin's shoulders.
"OH MY GOD THEY THINK WE'RE IN A KINKY BDSM RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER???!!!!"
~*~
TO BE CONTINUED
*runs off somewhere & hides*
I'm sane! Really! Honest!
Comments are LOVE♥ Is it too much crack? Not enough crack? X_x