(no subject)
today i quit smoking.
this is a huge accomplishment.
i really didn't even want to do it. in fact, i started crying because i had to do it. i promised God that if my mother was ok, i would quit smoking.
plus, she works with her assistant nurse who is only 34 and was diagnosed with stage 5 cancer.
sometime next week he is getting a bone marrow transplant in which he receives a 50% chance of life.
my grandfather died of a smoking-related illness.
plus, two uncles of mine have died under the age of 50 from heart attacks.
i thought it would be royally obtuse of me to keep smoking under these circumstances.
or at least, that's what i tell myself.
my quest of being anonymous is slowly dissolving.
i so badly want to post a picture of myself up on this site so that i can show off my photography skills, but i'm afraid one of my friends will run into me and discover everything i've worked so hard to keep secret.
it's 3:05 am, and Boston is flying in from Boston. i will see him in a matter of hours. i just have to go to bed and wake up and drive over to his house...just like he'd never left. when he calls on my cell phone his caller ID reads "Mr. Big" just like Carrie's boyfriend on Sex and the City. he is my little debonaire nightmare.
tonight i also called charlie hoping to see him for a minute and drop off the tax outline i wanted to give him. but he was out in manhattan beach partying with goodness knows who. i think little cutie would be too much of a handful for me. i like staying at home and watching court t.v. i would feel badly taking him away from his friends.
i would be loathe to ruin yet another man. however, i've been ruined by many myself.
for example, cross--i'm suprised at how much i'm not mourning for him. i feel terrible because just a few months ago i sware i could have slapped on the ring and said my emphatic yeses at the altar. i remember when he shined my shoes and packed my suitcase for san francisco, and how i used to pluck his eyebrows...
damn, i'm getting sentimental. but i guess it's like this quote i read awhile ago, it will all be wrong up until the very last one, and even then, it's not for sure. i love how optimistic people are when it comes to love, and how in reality, it's one of the bleakest situations of all mankind.
think about it: if you really work hard at doing something, you'll most likely succeed--but not in relationships. this is because you have to get a whole other person to syncronize with you--find matching baggage, etc.
this would work if i wasn't so damn difficult and so lacksadaisical about everything. i'm intolerant of other's bad habits. i'm hypocritical. f*ck it, i'm human.
so anyway, Boston kept telling me to hold off on other guys until he got here. he woudl call me incessantly throughout the day to make sure i wasn't with someone at the moment. it got so bad that he would call me while i was in class, or shaving, or whatever else it is that little girls do. pretty soon there'll be a bright red ducati outside mixing up the gravel and this girl.
this is a huge accomplishment.
i really didn't even want to do it. in fact, i started crying because i had to do it. i promised God that if my mother was ok, i would quit smoking.
plus, she works with her assistant nurse who is only 34 and was diagnosed with stage 5 cancer.
sometime next week he is getting a bone marrow transplant in which he receives a 50% chance of life.
my grandfather died of a smoking-related illness.
plus, two uncles of mine have died under the age of 50 from heart attacks.
i thought it would be royally obtuse of me to keep smoking under these circumstances.
or at least, that's what i tell myself.
my quest of being anonymous is slowly dissolving.
i so badly want to post a picture of myself up on this site so that i can show off my photography skills, but i'm afraid one of my friends will run into me and discover everything i've worked so hard to keep secret.
it's 3:05 am, and Boston is flying in from Boston. i will see him in a matter of hours. i just have to go to bed and wake up and drive over to his house...just like he'd never left. when he calls on my cell phone his caller ID reads "Mr. Big" just like Carrie's boyfriend on Sex and the City. he is my little debonaire nightmare.
tonight i also called charlie hoping to see him for a minute and drop off the tax outline i wanted to give him. but he was out in manhattan beach partying with goodness knows who. i think little cutie would be too much of a handful for me. i like staying at home and watching court t.v. i would feel badly taking him away from his friends.
i would be loathe to ruin yet another man. however, i've been ruined by many myself.
for example, cross--i'm suprised at how much i'm not mourning for him. i feel terrible because just a few months ago i sware i could have slapped on the ring and said my emphatic yeses at the altar. i remember when he shined my shoes and packed my suitcase for san francisco, and how i used to pluck his eyebrows...
damn, i'm getting sentimental. but i guess it's like this quote i read awhile ago, it will all be wrong up until the very last one, and even then, it's not for sure. i love how optimistic people are when it comes to love, and how in reality, it's one of the bleakest situations of all mankind.
think about it: if you really work hard at doing something, you'll most likely succeed--but not in relationships. this is because you have to get a whole other person to syncronize with you--find matching baggage, etc.
this would work if i wasn't so damn difficult and so lacksadaisical about everything. i'm intolerant of other's bad habits. i'm hypocritical. f*ck it, i'm human.
so anyway, Boston kept telling me to hold off on other guys until he got here. he woudl call me incessantly throughout the day to make sure i wasn't with someone at the moment. it got so bad that he would call me while i was in class, or shaving, or whatever else it is that little girls do. pretty soon there'll be a bright red ducati outside mixing up the gravel and this girl.