random post while browsing craigslist
hey dickshoulder,
thanks for stealing my blue schwinn. it was the last gift my dying mother gave me before the cancer spread. you're a giant assmongrel and i hope someone steals the face from your skull. but guess what? joke's on you, buddy. that bike has major aids and you just bought, nay, stole yourself a raging case. yeah, that's right, you pathetic piece. i injected that specialty schwinn gel seat with a rare strain of super intense, highly infectious aids virus in the event that some douchebag such as yourself would one day steal it. the specific strain is so powerful that, if anywhere near even a clothed asshole, it travels - like determined sperm - all up inside you. why would i do such a thing, you ask? wouldn't that mean endangering my own life just on the off chance that a giant oblong shaped douchebag would someday steal my beloved schwinn? well, let's just say measures were taken, my friend. i had an airtight suit of rubber moulded to my body and coated with an anti-aids substance. you wouldn't understand all the advanced technology seeing as you don't even know how to steal a car. i mean really, sir, you have to resort to stealing the modes of transportation that little children use? little baby children. little baby aids inflicted children. you're a global ass rapist, culver city bandit.
anyway, bicycle thief, i just wanted you to know that i'm watching you. in anticipation of your thievery, i installed a microscopic lens on the handlebar that broadcasts live to my television (it's not a fancy plasma, if you're thinking of stealing that too - so step off).
enjoy that arby's french dip you're about to bite into. i'd watch out for pubes, though. while enjoying some quality bike thief television i saw you pull up to the drive through on the schwinn so i called the arby's manager and asked that he make yours a "special order". nothing is free in this world (except, apparently, bikes for you) so that little fast food favor did cost me a pretty penny. but literally, just one penny. one recently minted penny that wasn't tarnished in any way (like your soul).
so just remember, friend, from now on i will be sabotaging every moment of the living hell called your life. i hope it was worth it.
love,
barbara
ps if you decide you want to give me back my bike, meet me at the rite-aid on the corner of venice and overland at 8pm sharp tomorrow night. no funny stuff.
pss i'm including culver city police department's sketch of the douche they believe to be involved in the theft/rape.
...amusing.