once again, it feels like im just another piece of the unsolvable puzzle.
Well, where do I start...
My computer is back and so is the internet.
I am once again single. Things werent working and didnt feel right.
3 day weekend this weekend.
Im tired as fuck lately.
But always on some sort of high.
It is starting to get old.
Same blur everyday basiclly.
Same headaches.
Same fake happiness.
Same demented thoughts.
Same apathetic outlook on the world and life in general.
But Im not upset, or angry, or depressed, or confused.
Im not happy, or excited, or thrilled to be here.
I feel empty. I feel numb. I feel like I am millions of miles away from everyone and everything. I dont want sympathy.. What would I use it for? How would I process it?
My grades are starting to go back up. I feel acomplished at school.
I feel useless at home. I feel degraded at work (not by the people, the actual job).
I feel needed in my realtionships with friends.
Ive made 5 new close friends - well... that arent new, but it feels as if we are closer.
1. Melanie McNulty
2. Melissa Carter
3. Scott Dransfield
4. Drew Burch
5. Brandy Thompson
espcially the top 3. Its a new outlook for me, more people to run to for help, more people I can goof off with and be completely stupid with. I like that.
Mary-Jane is my fucking twin it seems. (keep in mind, twins look alike or have an alike appearance but are total opposites on the inside - such as MJ and I)
Sigh is my brother who seems to be busy lately or doesnt answer beeps (I know the reason why), but still love him.
I realize, I ramble a lot more than I use to. Nothing really off the wall and weird like I use to (I blame the new dousage of medicine), but I connect my thoughts in a normal way now. I dont think I like it much.
I feel like I dont like much anymore. I either love something or someone or completly dont care. I dont hate anymore. Whats the point? It doesnt help me get anywhere or anything acomplished. I love my friends (MJ, Sigh, Mel, Melissa, etc.), I love my family (hypocrites or not - hey MJ, I spelled it right this time =P), I dont care about my life. Im not suicidal. Stop jumping to conclusions. I dont care about my grades. I love my teachers - well not my english teacher. I dont care for my writings or any form of how I express myself. I dont care. I love.
I also think about Matt. Im not sure where to put him in that category. I feel horrible about that. I think I will put Matt in a category just for him... I miss him. Period. I dont need to explain.
Im currently talking to Henry on the internet right now. I miss him as well. He is coming in for a visit in like a week and half. Im happy. He isnt a friend, nor a brother, or a lover (hehe - I rhymed) Like Matt, I dont have a category for him.
On the inside, I dont feel okay, but the outside projects that Im okay. I dont get it. Im not trying to hide it. I dont know how to word this. Its so odd. I dont feel happy. But Im excessivly hyper. But that doesnt mean you have to be happy, right? Im hyper, but not random. That is possible right?
Blah. I give up on trying to figure out the world's meanings and puzzles...Fuck it, who cares? we all end up dying in the end. I have no religion, so there is nothing after I die. I think that is life's puzzle... to trick everyone into working their whole lives for something they will never experience, make them sacrfice everything for something they think they will later be rewarded with. HA! I laugh at them. The system has got them. They arent living their life, they are letting life live them. The system takes the mass majority. But it didnt get me... or maybe, didnt want me. Who cares... I dont want that either. Im here, Im alive, Im not alone, so who needs the system and all its victims? Fuck the system...