Jim Gaffigan.... he's awesome
I don't know if you're like me, but I love hotdogs... a lot. Like many people, when I'm at a ballgame or a movie I enjoy eating four or five hotdogs. sure the hotdogs at these places might be like 5 bucks a pop, but hey, we're talking about hotdogs here.
anyway
Early one morning recently, before heading to bed, I was in the grocery store buying a block of cheese and a six pack of beer for breakfast. I saw a sign announcing this package of 8 hotdogs on sale for $2. I thought "ha. this must be a typo or something" surely the store must mean $20. so I picked up the package of hotdogs, and surely enough on the package the price tag clearly stated $2, but i still didn't believe it, so I picked up another package, and sure enough $2. So I held up the package and asked some old woman near me "have you seen this? Or am I dreaming?" Well she looked at me like I was drunk or something. Granted I was, but not stumbling or anything, so she didn't have to look at me like that, I mean what a gloomy goo.
leaving that black cloud in my dust, I skipped up to the cashier paying $2 dollars for an 8 pack of hotdogs, brought them home and I, Jim Gaffigan,actually cooked them, believe it or not, in my very own kitchen. I swear! I'm not lyin. sure it wasn't that easy, but I figured it out. Being the kind of person who likes to share his good fortune, I'd like to give you my recipe for homemade hotdogs that taste as good as the half dozen we all buy at the ballpark.
I might be backtracking, but first you're going to have to do a little shopping. Since we're making hotdogs, definately buy hotdogs. I find it best to find hotdogs in the hotdog section of your grocery store.
ok so if you got hotdogs, lets get started, don't be afraid to write some of these directions down, cooking hotdogs can get complicated.
step one, opening the hotdog package:
take your hotdog package and open it up, I like to tear it open with my teeth, unless my wife is in the room, then I'll use a knife or a key or a ballpoint pen. either way be carefull, that package is not just filled with fresh hotdogs, theres hotdog juice in there. You don't want to spill that juice on your shirt, the shirt will smell like hotdogs for a month. Unless of course someone washes the shirt for you.
step two, prepping the hotdog:
Take a hotdog out of the package with your fingers, put the hotdog in the microwave. If your wife or mom is around put the hotdog on a plate or something paper before you place it in the microwave, that way they can't complain about having to clean up your greasy mess later on.
step three, the microwave:
the microwave can be the most confusing part about making a hotdog. If you're like me, I find it hard enough trying to figure out how to open the damn microwave door, let alone set the cooking time. Don't worry, you'll get it eventually, just keep hitting buttons. set the microwave for a minute and press START, this will most likely be the button with START printed on it. If you can't find the start button, yell for your wife, or mom.
step four, cooking the hotdog:
once you hit start, you should hear some noise, or the inside of the microwave starts spinning. I always sit back and enjoy the action, the window on the microwave is there for that reason. Like a lot of people I like to hum along to the microwave...."hmmmmmmmmmm" I'm a very musical person.
step five, the bing:
when you hear a bing, stop staring at the microwave. once you figure out how to open the door, pick up the hotdog with your fingers. WARNING! this sucker is going to be hot. If someone is around, use a fork or something to stab it with.
step six, bunning your hotdog:
If you're still at home, or married, you might have hotdog buns, so check around the kitchen. If you don't have buns, go to step 7. If you do have a bun, put the cooked hotdog in the presliced part of the bun, I recomend the top sliced buns; your hotdog is less likely to roll out. ha, I learned that the hard way. now if you only have hamburger buns, cut or tear the hotdog in half and eat it like a hamburger. however, get ready for way too much bread though.
Step seven, dressing your hotdog:
now you're ready to put whatever you like on your home cooked hotdog. your choices are endless: you got your ketchup, your mustard, your relish, your onions, hell you could put peanut butter on it for all I care. hey, its your hotdog buddy. unless you're a mayo person, in that case, I really have nothing to say to you weirdo. warning, don't try to force your hotdog into a mustard jar, not only could your hotdog break in half, you're going to end up with way too much mustard on that puppy. another warning, don't put your condiments directly on the bun, unless your a soggy bun type person,in that case I have nothing to say to you....weirdo.
well there you have it, a homemade hotdog you made yourself. at home. I hope you learned something, lord knows theres no hotdog making schools out there. and those microscopic directions on the package are just too darn confusing, feel free to pass this Jim Gaffigan homemade hotdog recipe onto any of your friends. thank you.