hi i am not okay
i am at lauren's apt. i had a fantastic 2 hour interview today. i had a happy morning and daddy gave me some money. then i saw two fatal accidents on i-78. a morose song came on my iPod...and there i was, crying on the bus. interview was happy happy happy. writing test went well. blah blah. on the 4 train to lauren's...fighting back tears again.
last night, i had a nervous breakdown of sorts. i am diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i don't want to take mood stabilizing medicine because i love my mood swings. they are addicting. the highs and lows are intense. one of my best friends also suffers. we are both intelligent, functioning people. she has an awesome boyfriend. she takes it out on females and has issues with them in general (not me though!). i take it out on guys have issues with them. it's not freudian. no idea where it came from...well, some idea. to be honest, depression compounded with this disorder is almost too much to handle. i don't have any answers. i can't feel okay again until i find them.
i am still hopeful about life, although i feel that suicide is the "only way out" when i'm in the middle of a low low. (low lows are followed by high highs.) i will never actually attempt suicide. it's all in my mind.
i have a hard time accepting love from people. like a REALLY hard time. i need to learn not to shut people out of my life, but it's a struggle for me.
it's strange, because people constantly tell me "you are very intelligent and very pretty. you can get whatever you want in life." but i have always felt cursed and wondered WHY WHY WHY. i think i have cursed myself.
i need to get out of this maze. it's like a murakami novel.
i can't say when or how this will happen.
now i'm going out (a fabulous bi-product of unemployment). i am going to b-side and pianos kareoke. i'm sure i will have fun. i'm not sylvia plath over here or anything.
last night, i had a nervous breakdown of sorts. i am diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i don't want to take mood stabilizing medicine because i love my mood swings. they are addicting. the highs and lows are intense. one of my best friends also suffers. we are both intelligent, functioning people. she has an awesome boyfriend. she takes it out on females and has issues with them in general (not me though!). i take it out on guys have issues with them. it's not freudian. no idea where it came from...well, some idea. to be honest, depression compounded with this disorder is almost too much to handle. i don't have any answers. i can't feel okay again until i find them.
i am still hopeful about life, although i feel that suicide is the "only way out" when i'm in the middle of a low low. (low lows are followed by high highs.) i will never actually attempt suicide. it's all in my mind.
i have a hard time accepting love from people. like a REALLY hard time. i need to learn not to shut people out of my life, but it's a struggle for me.
it's strange, because people constantly tell me "you are very intelligent and very pretty. you can get whatever you want in life." but i have always felt cursed and wondered WHY WHY WHY. i think i have cursed myself.
i need to get out of this maze. it's like a murakami novel.
i can't say when or how this will happen.
now i'm going out (a fabulous bi-product of unemployment). i am going to b-side and pianos kareoke. i'm sure i will have fun. i'm not sylvia plath over here or anything.