wisest myspace message ever!!!!
*obviously edited to protect privacy of sender...no, i will never reveal who s/he is because s/he would kick my ass if s/he even knew i posted it here. oh well. maybe not. whatevs.
[relationship stuff i can't go into here...] being in a relationship, and being content, makes it easier to identify the other things in your life that are lacking and how to address them.
Does this make sense? It's not about being in a relationship at all...and not being in one is not why we are unhappy. it's the fact that you aren't totally settled with what you want to do in life, and can only vaguely identify the things that you would LIKE to do but a. are unsure how to do them and b. are unsure whether or not they're meaningful.
i totally can't give you advice because i was in a place similar -- i won't bother trying to compare them because we are all unique individual people, special butterflies if you will (sorry, wasted) -- but I am aware that there were about five months where when I was out, I was mentally scripting an email to X, when I came home, was writing an email to X, when I was at work, was thinking about X-- and by X I don't mean X himself since he is, categorically, a jerk and far too shallow to understand what I was going through exactly -- I mean X like my idea of X, all of the different things I projected on to him, all the other things that were missing which I tied to X.
So the question -- or what I have been thinking about in terms of you -- is identity really. For simple people, social identity and self-awareness are this blissfully matched union. For others, who are writers like us, social identity, self-awareness and their written expression are also easily linked...but I think there's a level, when you write about your own life frequently, that you take your social identity and self awareness and shape them into some written role that is still not you.
I'm not sure how to explain this exactly.
What I mean to say -- writing on myspace, writing in your journals even, you might be trying to find a form of expression that not just joins the two but also makes them into a greater whole.
MAYBE. I don't know. But I do this so maybe you do too. And when I do it -- it's still not me. Writing is a conscious effort and we always edit ourselves. And you do write a lot of blogs. And that's fine but it's not really you. And when you write as often as you do about the things that are on your mind and the things that you think about yourself do you think maybe you are less able to identify them? It's plotting out a narrative, in a way....
(sorry btw if this all sounds retarded -- I am kind of drunk but I have a point here--)
anyways.
maybe myspace actually is, seriously, the major reason why you're unhappy. Because it's fucked a little that you write, "I used to be such a good writer." because a. the reason why you're not a "good" writer (by good I don't actually mean good, because you're clearly an amazing writer, but "good" on a level that you actually consider good) is because you're writing constantly in a way that is not fulfilling.
you have a lot of readers.
and your readers obviously get a lot out of it but the point is why do you need to please them and why does it matter that they are touched on some level by what you have to say. i do think it means a lot -- but it's not doing anything for you and that's the issue...
okay i'm not talking about this on a myspace level either. i'm talking on a general life level. dude you put a lot -- a LOT -- of energy into pleasing people that you don't necessarily want to please. And this probably is most about the fact, on a very basic level, that you want to be successful. whatever you want to do you want to do it well right? and you don't know what you really want to put your time and energy into (though you do have a few ideas) (though maybe you do actually but aren't sure how to do it or don't have a concrete route) and so instead -- you're dwelling on what in your life you have done well and what you are doing well but basically you're troubled by the fact that you don't give a shit about it and irony is only funny for about five seconds. right?
okay i need to wrap this up. obviously i'm wasted. fuck.
look it's not about joey and it's not about the fact that you're not having sex and it's not about the fact that you don't have a job right now. it's about the fact that you're not doing anything that you care about. i hope this doesn't come out sounding shitty. it's pretty complimentary. on a grand scale, most of the things we do in life are pretty temporal and so they're not important, in my opinion. i think it's good when people have a mission and they devote themselves, definitely, but only when they have that underlying sense of what is important (not fucking hurting people and taking care of your own, and also having some higher goal and following it even if it's totally impractical, again, my opinion). like bands that manage to get themselves on Jay Leno for one night are obviously retarded but then people that make fun of the band for that reason are as retarded and people that sleep with a member of that band after meeting them at Bar 11 one night and then tell everyone how much they suck in bed are also retarded etc. et al (i could come up with better examples in politics, media, et al but i'm tired and this is easier and also more relevant) (okay i'm definitely drunk and this isn't following but i'm going to send it) and the point is
Holly - in any case -- you have too high expectations for yourself. it's fine to have high goals and ideals but have them for the world not for yourself, seriously, it's incapacitating.
whatever you're NOT doing that you wish you were doing, you're conscious and aware of things more than 99% of people and that's the best anyone can hope for I think.
in other words -- fuck joey, again. it's not about him anyways.
and whether or not you THINK it's low -- you. are. imagining it. i'm not saying that you're not right or justified in feeling that you're low but you need to not think in that way and you also need to not think about that or anything else in an ironic sense. irony is also incapacitating, which is why everyone loves it.
it's awesome that you have the interview on Monday. that would be a fucking awesome job. i hope you get it. if not you'll probably get something else though so don't worry about it. obviously this might take some time but don't worry about it, please. you're fine.
i realize i haven't said any of this well but i'm going to send it anyways.
(need to go to bed)
i really wish i could go to bethlehem to visit you this weekend. i read your blog and it sounds like it would be really funny