(no subject)
hey kid
tonight youve been with me so hard. riding in a car, kinda drunk, past the balmoral. when i used to call your foster parents they would tell me to look for you there. i wish i could right now
it came up today - the point when i lost respect for my boss, when i zoned out of my job, when i knew i had to get out..
when i was in toronto and shannon called me up and i made a joke about her fucking off cause i was finally on vacation. but i knew when her number popped up on my call display and i knew it was you and i just had to put off put off put off her saying anything,
she said 'i didnt want you to read about it in the paper, i didnt want you to come home not knowing.' i didnt want you to hear about it from anyone or any source that didnt fucking love you and appreciate you and get that you were so much fucking more then the shit in the paper. then crack and johns and gangs the other bullshit that was all they wanted to talk about.
i think i checked out of work when i knew you would never call again. that you would never walk in, demanding i drop everything, lest you be bored for five seconds, demanding i have the answers, the comfort, the pills the lab values the phone numbers the solutions the whatever the fuck you needed right then right now. there was never one time i wasnt happy to ignore all the other shit to see you. that i didnt smile with you leaving all your notes all over my office for me to find days later. that i didnt feel so lucky you would come see me to take care of the shit you needed help with.
the last time i saw you alive you were getting into a truck with a king cab and alberta plates. i was so fucking pissed, i went home and called the cops. 'its bad enough we have or own sick fucks picking up kids but albertans? fuck that, arrest that sick asshole, she looks twelve'. i raged for days. i knew you hated it. i knew any time anyone offered you an alternative you took it. i knew you didnt know what else to do.
i heard you were missing a few days later. you were always missing. i left a couple messages where i thought you may be around and went out of town and the next i heard you were found.
i remember crying at work. im an ex-ER nurse. before that i worked in shelters. people fucking die. whatever. but you were so under my skin. your awesome smile. your crooked teeth. your messed up perceptions of reality. the way you expected me to drop everything for you. your sister. your friends you would bring in. your awesome huge big plans and ideas and hopes and goals and inability to ever see that they may not work and inability to ever believe that you may no be the shiniest star in the whole goddamn sky.
i was crying at work. i was taking off to go to your funeral. my boss told me - people die, get over it. i ripped her face off and walked away. but i checked out. that was it for me.
you wont ever be some teenage kid who dies. you wont ever be a 'missing or murdered woman'. you wont ever be a catastrophe of manitobas child welfare system. your tragedies will never define you.
so now i have this crappier job that i hate but whatever. it makes me think about you more. it makes me wish i could have protected you more. it makes me close off to everyone else more.
you were a gift to everyone who had the chance to know you.
tonight youve been with me so hard. riding in a car, kinda drunk, past the balmoral. when i used to call your foster parents they would tell me to look for you there. i wish i could right now
it came up today - the point when i lost respect for my boss, when i zoned out of my job, when i knew i had to get out..
when i was in toronto and shannon called me up and i made a joke about her fucking off cause i was finally on vacation. but i knew when her number popped up on my call display and i knew it was you and i just had to put off put off put off her saying anything,
she said 'i didnt want you to read about it in the paper, i didnt want you to come home not knowing.' i didnt want you to hear about it from anyone or any source that didnt fucking love you and appreciate you and get that you were so much fucking more then the shit in the paper. then crack and johns and gangs the other bullshit that was all they wanted to talk about.
i think i checked out of work when i knew you would never call again. that you would never walk in, demanding i drop everything, lest you be bored for five seconds, demanding i have the answers, the comfort, the pills the lab values the phone numbers the solutions the whatever the fuck you needed right then right now. there was never one time i wasnt happy to ignore all the other shit to see you. that i didnt smile with you leaving all your notes all over my office for me to find days later. that i didnt feel so lucky you would come see me to take care of the shit you needed help with.
the last time i saw you alive you were getting into a truck with a king cab and alberta plates. i was so fucking pissed, i went home and called the cops. 'its bad enough we have or own sick fucks picking up kids but albertans? fuck that, arrest that sick asshole, she looks twelve'. i raged for days. i knew you hated it. i knew any time anyone offered you an alternative you took it. i knew you didnt know what else to do.
i heard you were missing a few days later. you were always missing. i left a couple messages where i thought you may be around and went out of town and the next i heard you were found.
i remember crying at work. im an ex-ER nurse. before that i worked in shelters. people fucking die. whatever. but you were so under my skin. your awesome smile. your crooked teeth. your messed up perceptions of reality. the way you expected me to drop everything for you. your sister. your friends you would bring in. your awesome huge big plans and ideas and hopes and goals and inability to ever see that they may not work and inability to ever believe that you may no be the shiniest star in the whole goddamn sky.
i was crying at work. i was taking off to go to your funeral. my boss told me - people die, get over it. i ripped her face off and walked away. but i checked out. that was it for me.
you wont ever be some teenage kid who dies. you wont ever be a 'missing or murdered woman'. you wont ever be a catastrophe of manitobas child welfare system. your tragedies will never define you.
so now i have this crappier job that i hate but whatever. it makes me think about you more. it makes me wish i could have protected you more. it makes me close off to everyone else more.
you were a gift to everyone who had the chance to know you.