coming off night-shift...incapable of linear thought...
so at like five am today i totally had this epiphany or something. i've been working primarily with people with addictions for almost 10 years, which is more then a third of my life, and i dont want to do it anymore. i went from good analysis, wanting concrete ways to help people, deconstructing the issues people have that have contributed to their addictions...blah blah blah...to what the fuck! i just dont care! i'm sick of having the same f'ing patients every day, of trying everything i can to help people, of defending people, of all that shit. lots of people are just fucked up and arent going to change no matter what i do and im sick of excuses and thousands upon thousands of dollars a day in medical care for the consequences of alcohol and the smells and the whining and rudeness and everything. im just sick of it! and that doesnt make me an asshole! i did my time and gave it all i had. i put in ten years and im allowed to be burnt out. the longer i do this the bigger asshole im going to become and the more i'll just hate myself in the end. i still believe in harm reduction, in support systems, in changes to make health more accesable to people with addictions but i dont want to be the person doing it anymore! seriously 50% of the patients i see must be there directly or indirectly because of alcohol. it makes me sick. demoralized. fed up. all the stupid pointless violence and messed up families and disasterous social situations and drunks shouting racial slurs and grabbing at me and taking swings and kicks at nurses. finito! im quitting ER! yee haw!
not like tomorrow or anything. im going to milk it for all i can possibly learn until i go on mat leave, and when i come back im going to apply in high-risk labour and delivery. one of the clinical resource nurses there already tried to recruit me when i was delivering coffee to gilly one night and i feel like with over a year of emerg under my belt it'll be fairly easy to get work there. i want high-risk cause i still want really acute care, but yknow, even if there is a drunk asshole, or someone whose majorly screwing up their or their kids lives, the most often you can see them is once every 9 months right? i see the same assholes twice in a shift sometimes!
which isnt to say i hate my patients, cause i really really do love a lot of them, have great interactions, learn so so much. but theres no way to avoid the drunk aspect of my work and im ready to have a change from that. the only thing holding me back from quitting, like, today, is that i absolutely adore the crew i work with. like couldnt pick a better team of people in the world. but a lot of my favorite nurses will be leaving soon, so i will follow to greener pastures.
in other news, my fetus has decided to express itself in the form of baby acne on my neck. how disgusting!!! no one can actually see it but i can feel it and it grosses me out to no end.
not like tomorrow or anything. im going to milk it for all i can possibly learn until i go on mat leave, and when i come back im going to apply in high-risk labour and delivery. one of the clinical resource nurses there already tried to recruit me when i was delivering coffee to gilly one night and i feel like with over a year of emerg under my belt it'll be fairly easy to get work there. i want high-risk cause i still want really acute care, but yknow, even if there is a drunk asshole, or someone whose majorly screwing up their or their kids lives, the most often you can see them is once every 9 months right? i see the same assholes twice in a shift sometimes!
which isnt to say i hate my patients, cause i really really do love a lot of them, have great interactions, learn so so much. but theres no way to avoid the drunk aspect of my work and im ready to have a change from that. the only thing holding me back from quitting, like, today, is that i absolutely adore the crew i work with. like couldnt pick a better team of people in the world. but a lot of my favorite nurses will be leaving soon, so i will follow to greener pastures.
in other news, my fetus has decided to express itself in the form of baby acne on my neck. how disgusting!!! no one can actually see it but i can feel it and it grosses me out to no end.