(no subject)
trying to stay awake to phone in sick to work. weird logic but the idea of waking up in an hour to do it seems more hell then keeping up...theres lots of sirens. i used to hear them like music, now they fill me with dread. 'that doesnt sound good', you know itll be messy and someone has to deal with its 45 minutes until the end of shift...crappy time for nurses to deal with a lights and sirens run. im applying for the most perfect job in the world this week. a 0.6, 2 12 hour shifts a week from noon - midnight. i can pick up night shifts on top of that as over time, aka time and a half. half the world is putting in a good word for me and id never have to work a day shift. ever. shift premium for every hour after 3pm and the busiest time of day. everything good. wish me luck.
everything in my body has changed. nothing, nothing feels the same. ive sobbed 4 times in 36 hours. cryings good, i know, but the last time i really cried was when my dad got diagnosed with cancer. i just cant do it. now tears come to my eyes every ten minutes and breakdows - ill-timed usually - are frequent. i'm pregnant. i tested last night. i didnt really need the test. the exhaustion, zits, throwing up and unable to eat, insomnia, tickiness, boobs and crampiness gave it away days ago, but i wanted to test before calling my mom, so i did. i must be an hcg factory cause im not even 4 weeks. i'm due November 2. my dad called today. he was choked up. he said hes so proud, so excited (im crying again, bah). he asked to talk to chris, to congratulate hime and give him his best. so sweet. he'll be the best grandpa ever known. i cant wait to see it. its so strange to have a pregnancy where everyones excited. i saw maria and doug tonight and they went nuts. doug followed me around offering me his hands, his touque to puke in and i was drenched in kisses. its the reaction ive been waiting for. blind blissfulness. people being exstactic. peoople already making room in their lives for a new family member. i needed it.
i dont think i was really prepared for how much this has already changed every part of me. im an emotional basket case. i feel like i can pinpoint and describe feelings i wouldnt otherwise have even noticed. its good and bad - good because its so intense, so fucking real feeling. bad because its so overwhelming, so heartbreaking. so stressful. i feel one hundred years older in the past few days. so worn out. but its good. its what i want.
my friends maria and david are getting married. normally id be cynical and have some chirpy remark. but theyre happy, excited. glowing. and for me right now thats enough to throw my arms around them and tell them im so happy for them. i guess this is how its gonna be.
everything in my body has changed. nothing, nothing feels the same. ive sobbed 4 times in 36 hours. cryings good, i know, but the last time i really cried was when my dad got diagnosed with cancer. i just cant do it. now tears come to my eyes every ten minutes and breakdows - ill-timed usually - are frequent. i'm pregnant. i tested last night. i didnt really need the test. the exhaustion, zits, throwing up and unable to eat, insomnia, tickiness, boobs and crampiness gave it away days ago, but i wanted to test before calling my mom, so i did. i must be an hcg factory cause im not even 4 weeks. i'm due November 2. my dad called today. he was choked up. he said hes so proud, so excited (im crying again, bah). he asked to talk to chris, to congratulate hime and give him his best. so sweet. he'll be the best grandpa ever known. i cant wait to see it. its so strange to have a pregnancy where everyones excited. i saw maria and doug tonight and they went nuts. doug followed me around offering me his hands, his touque to puke in and i was drenched in kisses. its the reaction ive been waiting for. blind blissfulness. people being exstactic. peoople already making room in their lives for a new family member. i needed it.
i dont think i was really prepared for how much this has already changed every part of me. im an emotional basket case. i feel like i can pinpoint and describe feelings i wouldnt otherwise have even noticed. its good and bad - good because its so intense, so fucking real feeling. bad because its so overwhelming, so heartbreaking. so stressful. i feel one hundred years older in the past few days. so worn out. but its good. its what i want.
my friends maria and david are getting married. normally id be cynical and have some chirpy remark. but theyre happy, excited. glowing. and for me right now thats enough to throw my arms around them and tell them im so happy for them. i guess this is how its gonna be.