(no subject)
Title: Media Trouble
Author: Red_Confession
Fandom: Marvel (Dark Avengers)
Characters: Norman Osborn (Iron Patriot), Daken (Wolverine), Mac Gargan (Spider-Man), Lester (Hawkeye), Karla Sofen (Ms. Marvel), Ares, mention of Bob Reynolds (Sentry)
Rating: PG-13 (Cursing, mentions of sex)
Summary: Some tabloid digs up the juiciest goings-on in the Avengers tower during Dark Reign. Obviously, with the way the DA were even in canon, a lot of the stuff is sexual. Points for Norman's blood pressure going over the edge and no one being able to find the publisher or writer of the damn articles. More points for reactions from known characters.
A/N: I wrote this ages ago for marvelkink_v2 , and I just realized I didn’t post it here, so I’m changing that.
The “Dark” Avengers were seated around their usual meeting table, growing more restless by the second. Norman had demanded over the PA system that they all gather in the meeting room, but that was well over a half hour ago. Bullseye sighed and reached behind him into his quiver, only to find it empty. He had already used up all of his arrows-they were all sticking firmly into the ceiling.
“Fuck Osborn, I’m out of here,” he said, rising to his feet.
“Sit back down, Bullseye,” snapped Osborn, walking into the room. “Or I’ll up your meds so high you won’t see straight.”
“You wouldn’t do that, Osborn,” said Bullseye, sitting regardless. “You need me too much.”
“If you don’t think I can’t replace you-ANY OF YOU-you’re sorely mistaken!”
Osborn had to grip the table as he tried in vain to regain his composure. The other members glanced at one another, wondering what-or rather who-exactly made their leader this angry.
“Someone piss in your cornflakes today?”
“SHUT UP, GARGAN!”
Norman motioned to the H.A.M.M.E.R. members in the doorway to enter. The small group wheeled in a projector screen and began setting it up. The members watched; it was the most action they’d seen in a half hour. Bullseye went to say something, but Obsorn’s glare stopped him cold.
“Now look, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you this, but you have a public image to uphold. You’re supposed to be heroes-MY heroes,” said Norman. “And although you may roll your eyes at me every time I bring it up, apparently you haven’t learned your lesson, so I’m going to have to tell you over and over again until you learn. Just like children.”
“Which one of us?” asked Daken. He seemed overly amused by the whole situation.
“All of you!”
“It’s ready, sir,” said one of the H.A.M.M.E.R. agents quietly. He clearly didn’t want to evoke Osborn’s wrath.
Osborn snatched the projector remote from the agent’s hand and curtly dismissed him. None of the members had to be told twice; they quickly removed themselves from the room, shutting the door behind them. On the projector screen was the cover to some trashy tabloid magazine. The cover picture was their group picture from the press conference, where they all had to pretend to be at their most heroic. Written over it were the words “The secret lives of our protectors! We’ve got the juiciest gossip surrounding our nation’s greatest ‘heroes.’”
“You’re getting angry about some trash rag, Norman?” Bullseye said with a snort. “All the shit they print is fake.”
“Yes, I thought so too, Lester, but curiosity got the better of me. Let’s start with what they have to say about you, shall we?”
The projector clicked as it moved to another, pre-prepared section. It was a full-page spread on “Hawkeye,” with several pictures splashed across the page. Some of them were harmless enough-him at the press conference, him saving some people Osborn made him save, him at the dinner party… However, some of them weren’t as harmless-him killing a woman, him near an exploded bus, a picture of him in the bedroom... The projector clicked again, and a readable portion of the text fills the screen.
Hawkeye certainly hits the mark in the bedroom. An unnamed source claims that he’s not only having sex with Ms. Marvel, but Wolverine as well. As these exclusive photos show, he’s even had sex with them at the same time! But not all of his conquests in the bedroom have been consensual. Several women, who will remain nameless for their protection, have come forward, claiming that the hero has raped them…
“What do you have to say for yourself, Lester?”
Bullseye’s eyes went wide as he looked between Daken and Karla. The two had those cute, coy smiles on their faces, the one’s Lester wanted to carve off. They swore no one would find out about that! He was drunk and he’d always wanted to try a three-way… he just didn’t know that the third person was Daken until he’d already agreed.
“I didn’t fuck the psycho!” cried Bullseye, motioning to Daken.
“Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, Lester,” replied Daken with a smile. If he had any arrows left Daken would find another one through his chest. Clearly he didn’t learn his lesson the first time.
“I don’t care if you did or if you didn’t! What about those women?”
Bullseye merely shrugged.
“I can’t remember.”
“Well maybe you’ll remember this,” said Osborn, changing to the next section.
The inside source also claims that the diabolical acts Director Osborn claimed was committed by the villain Bullseye were, in fact, committed by our new Hawkeye. This would explain his close proximity to three nuns, who were tragically murdered several days ago, found with wound marks resembling that of his arrows.
“I warned you,” said Clint Barton, the hero known as Ronin. “I warned all of you that they weren’t to be taken lightly. Do you believe me now?”
Bullseye smiled. He remembered those bitches. They were taking too long to cross the damn street. In a moment of unbridled generosity, he gave them the chance to move out of his way, but instead they went and spouted some bible verse about patience. They deserved it. Osborn should have been happy that he took the arrows with him.
“What can I say, Osborn? It was a slow day.”
Gargan’s hand shot up into the air.
“Ooh, ooh, Normie do me next!”
Norman was all too happy to oblige, if only to give him something to take his mind off of Lester’s attitude. The screen changed to “Spider-Man’s” page. His photo spread was of him with Jameson at the festival, him handing Doctor Everything over to the police… And the photos that, until today, Norman believed he was the sole possessor of. The ones given to him by Jameson of Gargan arranging the gang war between the Park Avenue Players and the Rolling Sevens, as well as some edited photos of Venom eating various the appendages of other villains. With a second click, the text came into view…
Although this new, black suit spider-man proving to be incredibly popular with our audience, our source says that ladies better beware! Our friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man isn’t really so friendly, and in fact, he’s the one behind the disappearance of several strippers in the area. He’s also behind, as these EXCLUSIVE photos show, arranged the brief but bloody gang war last month between the rolling 7’s and the park avenue players.
The man claiming to be the original, blue and red suited spidey, had this to say “Hey, I got enough problems, I don’t need people thinking that I eat strippers.”
Gargan yawned.
“That’s no fun at all, Normie,” he said. “You already knew all of that.”
“That’s not the point!” snarled Norman. His neck was turning that red shade it becomes whenever he got angry. “The only one who should know about that is me! As much as I hate to say it, you’re one of the more popular Avengers in the eyes of the public. We don’t want them thinking you eat prostitutes!”
“Oh no Normie, you don’t worry about that. I don’t eat prostitutes. I eat strippers.”
Norman screamed.
Karla laughed. Seeing Norman so angry always made her day. He turned his gaze on her.
“You have a page too, Karla.”
Karla merely shrugged. “I figured as much, Norman. Hit me.”
“Ms. Marvel’s” page appeared on the screen. As she figured, most of her positive photos objectified her with gratuitous ass and breast shots. She smiled slightly as she remembered posing for one of those. Her negative photos were mainly her fighting with the real Ms. Marvel-mainly so there were twice as many gratuitous ass and breast shots, but one of them came from Osborn’s closed circuit cameras, and showed her murdering that hack psychiatrist.
“Oh come on, Norman. That man was a mole and you wanted me to do it.”
Norman said nothing, and the projector changed images.
It seems that the lone woman on the Avengers team is also the loosest. Our source says she’s had sex with almost all of her other teammates (including that three-way with Hawkeye and Wolverine. See page 31 for more juicy details!). But just how good is the sex? Rumors have it that a romp with the beautiful Ms. Marvel lead to the departure of former member, Marvel Boy! It makes you wonder what the other men see in her-or what the former member didn’t.
“Female superheroes have a bad enough name as it is,” said Jessica Jones, formerly known as the superheroine, Jewel. “We don’t need skanks like her around to make it worse.”
Karla huffed. “Are you kidding me? I gave that kid the best sex of his life. It’s not my fault if he couldn’t handle it.”
“Again with the three-way?” muttered Bullseye.
“It wasn’t much of a three-way, Lester. I could have left the room and I doubt you would have noticed.”
Bullseye snapped. He grabbed several pens off the table and hurled them at the bitch. Karla just shook her head and allowed them to pass right through her, and they lodged into the far wall. Karla turned her attention back to the article. One of the words had caught her attention.
“Loose? Who uses the word ‘loose’ anymore? Other than you, Norman. How do we know you didn’t leak all of this to the rag?”
“Because, Karla, I spend all of my free time cleaning up everyone’s damn messes!”
Osborn glared at all of them. None of them seemed all that concerned.
“Yes, yes of course,” said Daken, leaning back in his chair. Although this meeting had a promising start, it was declining fast. “Our leader works oh so hard, why would he ever give himself more work?”
“You have almost three damn pages all to yourself, Daken. You wanted to piss off your daddy; you certainly got your wish.”
“Oh Norman, why do you have to go and bring my father into this?”
The projector changed to Wolverine’s page. There were pictures of him saving the baby, him on several missions with the other avengers… Him having sex with several H.A.M.M.E.R. staff-male and female-him famously cursing out the old lady and the child, him gutting a bank robber... The projector clicked.
“Wolverine has been seeing a surge in popularity since the change in costume and the tattoo, but, as most of us have seen, he has a violent streak to him. The video of him cursing out an old woman and a child has been viewed on YouTube over 2 million times, despite H.AM.M.E.R.’s attempts to purge the video from the popular social networking site. He’s also believed to behind several mysterious deaths that, for ‘public safety’ H.AM.M.E.R. has covered up. According to our inside sources, the man is a real animal, and says that anyone who gets on his bad side meets a swift and violent end.
And man is he an animal in the bedroom! Men and women are lining up around the block to say they’ve had a taste of Wolverine. This includes teammates Hawkeye and Ms. Marvel (see page 31 for EXCLUSIVE pics!).
‘That’s no Wolverine,’ said Luke Cage, who once went by Power Man. ‘Don’t let him take you for a ride. He’s a killer and a psycho, just like the rest of them.’”
“Mr. Cage flatters me,” said Daken.
Ares, who had been quiet during the exchange, finally spoke.
“Ay, Osborn, I understand the importance of this… meeting. But surely I have not done anything to draw your ire?”
“You would think that, wouldn’t you?”
Osborn clicked the projector, and much to Ares’ surprise, he had his own page. Other than his press conference photo, there were a series of smaller photographs forming a timeline in the middle of the page. It was hard to make out what they were in its current state. Osborn changed the image.
Not much is known about the Avengers’ resident god, Ares. In fact, even our inside sources didn’t have much to offer. However, we obtained EXCLUSIVE video from Mc Sorleys, showing our god gone wild. The bar, only blocks from Avengers Tower, was once a frequent hangout of the “god of war.” One night Ares had a little too much to drink, and got handsy with his waitress. When the bouncer tried to evict the Olympian, our avenger got up close and personal with him and several of the patrons who stepped in to help. Six patrons and the bouncer were sent to the hospital, and three are in critical condition.
‘I know Ares,’ said the other Ms. Marvel. ‘That isn’t Ares. He’s been pushed to the breaking point by hanging around those other fake avengers. Please don’t hold this against him.’
Ares slammed his fist on the table. “Lies!” He roared.
Osborn changed the projector to the blown up timeline images. They were a series of pictures, showing Ares groping a waitress, then fighting several people and destroying property in a drunken rage.
Ares grew silent. His hands clenched. His memories of that night began to come back to him. It was the night he discovered that Alexander was lying to him, that he was being trained by Nick Fury with the other children. That and the stress from the previous missions had lead him to travel the bar for mead, and then to do... that. It was dishonorable. He was dishonorable.
“I shall make amends tonight, Osborn.”
“Damn right you are, Ares! I don’t give a shit if you’re a god or not.”
Ares stood.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“’Tis none of your business.”
He walked out of the room. Nobody, not even Osborn, tried to stop him. They stared at the open door for a few moments before Osborn seemed to remember he was still angry at them.
“So do any of you have any questions before I nail your asses to the wall?”
“Why didn’t you just call the writer of the article a terrorist and arrest him?” asked Bullseye. “That’s what you normally do.”
“Don’t you think I thought of that already?” snarled Osborn. “I can’t find the damn person who wrote it-for all I know he doesn’t exist! And I can’t shut down the entire tabloid-the issues already out and it would seem like we’re having a hissy fit.”
“But Osborn, you ARE having a hissy fit,” said Karla. The angrier Osborn was, the brighter her mood became.
“I WILL FIRE ALL OF YOU, I SWEAR!”
Daken’s hand shot into the air.
“Where’s the Sentry? How come we all get scolded and he gets off scott free?”
Osborn noticeably stiffened, and some of the blood fell from his face. His temper, at least for the moment, seemed quelled.
“I am going to speak with Bob alone.”
The others nodded slightly. None of them wanted to see Bob angry. Frankly, they were glad he wasn’t there. But Daken wasn’t backing down.
“Is that really the reason?
He pulled a hard copy of the tabloid out of his back pocket and began to leaf through its pages. Osborn tried to yank it from his grasp, but Daken wheeled his chair away from the outstretched hand.
“Where did you get that?!” Osborn snarled. He was so red that the others were waiting for him to pop a vein.
“I bought it from the street vendor on the corner, same as you. Or am I not allowed to buy things with my own money now?”
Osborn tried once again to grab the magazine from Daken’s hands, but Daken sidestepped, continuing to turn the pages. A third attempt landed Osborn on the floor, as Karla had “accidentally” stretched out her leg out in front of him. The avengers watched Daken curiously. Daken found the page he was looking for and began to read
“‘It’s common knowledge that Director Osborn was formerly the Green Goblin, but the ‘reformed’ supervillain seems have let the power go to his head. Inside sources say that the director of H.A.M.M.E.R. is indiscriminately arresting those who oppose him…’ no wait, that’s what I was looking for,” said Daken, skimming the page with his finger. “Ah, here it is: ‘And of course Osborn has some secrets of his own...’”
“Give me that!”
Osborn tried once again to grab the tabloid. Bullseye pinned his sleeve to the wall with three of the few remaining pens. He wanted to know what he was hiding, and if this involved helping that shit, Daken… He was willing to make an exception, just this once.
“Where was I? Oh right!” Daken was reveling in the attention. “‘And of course the director has some secrets of his own… In the bedroom! Rumor has it that Mr. Osborn has, on multiple occasions engaged in sexual intercourse with the mysterious and powerful Sentry.’”
“That’s enough, Daken!” He was tearing his shirt from the wall with newfound urgency.
Daken ignored him and continued. “‘Mr. Osborn and the Sentry are often seen together in the field, and our inside sources says that they spend most of their time off the field together as well. One time the two were gone for hours. Check out these EXCLUSIVE pictures-’”
“THAT’S ENOUGH!”
All eyes fell on Osborn. No one said a word for a while and merely digested the news.
“Well that certainly explains a lot…” muttered Bullseye.
“We all knew you were hard up for sex, Normie, but SENTRY, really?” Gargan began to laugh.
“You know Osborn,” said Karla. “I’d be more than willing to offer my psychological services. All you had to do was ask.”
Daken merely smirked.
“I’ll… I’ll let this pass this one time. No one will believe it anyway,” said Osborn, glancing wildly from person to person. “And none of you will ever mention this again.”
He promptly turned on his heel and stormed out of the room. The others stared at one another in silence, and slowly all eyes fell on Daken. Once certain that Osborn was gone, the mutant pulled out several envelopes from his back pocket, and handed out the royalty checks.
Author: Red_Confession
Fandom: Marvel (Dark Avengers)
Characters: Norman Osborn (Iron Patriot), Daken (Wolverine), Mac Gargan (Spider-Man), Lester (Hawkeye), Karla Sofen (Ms. Marvel), Ares, mention of Bob Reynolds (Sentry)
Rating: PG-13 (Cursing, mentions of sex)
Summary: Some tabloid digs up the juiciest goings-on in the Avengers tower during Dark Reign. Obviously, with the way the DA were even in canon, a lot of the stuff is sexual. Points for Norman's blood pressure going over the edge and no one being able to find the publisher or writer of the damn articles. More points for reactions from known characters.
A/N: I wrote this ages ago for marvelkink_v2 , and I just realized I didn’t post it here, so I’m changing that.
The “Dark” Avengers were seated around their usual meeting table, growing more restless by the second. Norman had demanded over the PA system that they all gather in the meeting room, but that was well over a half hour ago. Bullseye sighed and reached behind him into his quiver, only to find it empty. He had already used up all of his arrows-they were all sticking firmly into the ceiling.
“Fuck Osborn, I’m out of here,” he said, rising to his feet.
“Sit back down, Bullseye,” snapped Osborn, walking into the room. “Or I’ll up your meds so high you won’t see straight.”
“You wouldn’t do that, Osborn,” said Bullseye, sitting regardless. “You need me too much.”
“If you don’t think I can’t replace you-ANY OF YOU-you’re sorely mistaken!”
Osborn had to grip the table as he tried in vain to regain his composure. The other members glanced at one another, wondering what-or rather who-exactly made their leader this angry.
“Someone piss in your cornflakes today?”
“SHUT UP, GARGAN!”
Norman motioned to the H.A.M.M.E.R. members in the doorway to enter. The small group wheeled in a projector screen and began setting it up. The members watched; it was the most action they’d seen in a half hour. Bullseye went to say something, but Obsorn’s glare stopped him cold.
“Now look, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you this, but you have a public image to uphold. You’re supposed to be heroes-MY heroes,” said Norman. “And although you may roll your eyes at me every time I bring it up, apparently you haven’t learned your lesson, so I’m going to have to tell you over and over again until you learn. Just like children.”
“Which one of us?” asked Daken. He seemed overly amused by the whole situation.
“All of you!”
“It’s ready, sir,” said one of the H.A.M.M.E.R. agents quietly. He clearly didn’t want to evoke Osborn’s wrath.
Osborn snatched the projector remote from the agent’s hand and curtly dismissed him. None of the members had to be told twice; they quickly removed themselves from the room, shutting the door behind them. On the projector screen was the cover to some trashy tabloid magazine. The cover picture was their group picture from the press conference, where they all had to pretend to be at their most heroic. Written over it were the words “The secret lives of our protectors! We’ve got the juiciest gossip surrounding our nation’s greatest ‘heroes.’”
“You’re getting angry about some trash rag, Norman?” Bullseye said with a snort. “All the shit they print is fake.”
“Yes, I thought so too, Lester, but curiosity got the better of me. Let’s start with what they have to say about you, shall we?”
The projector clicked as it moved to another, pre-prepared section. It was a full-page spread on “Hawkeye,” with several pictures splashed across the page. Some of them were harmless enough-him at the press conference, him saving some people Osborn made him save, him at the dinner party… However, some of them weren’t as harmless-him killing a woman, him near an exploded bus, a picture of him in the bedroom... The projector clicked again, and a readable portion of the text fills the screen.
Hawkeye certainly hits the mark in the bedroom. An unnamed source claims that he’s not only having sex with Ms. Marvel, but Wolverine as well. As these exclusive photos show, he’s even had sex with them at the same time! But not all of his conquests in the bedroom have been consensual. Several women, who will remain nameless for their protection, have come forward, claiming that the hero has raped them…
“What do you have to say for yourself, Lester?”
Bullseye’s eyes went wide as he looked between Daken and Karla. The two had those cute, coy smiles on their faces, the one’s Lester wanted to carve off. They swore no one would find out about that! He was drunk and he’d always wanted to try a three-way… he just didn’t know that the third person was Daken until he’d already agreed.
“I didn’t fuck the psycho!” cried Bullseye, motioning to Daken.
“Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, Lester,” replied Daken with a smile. If he had any arrows left Daken would find another one through his chest. Clearly he didn’t learn his lesson the first time.
“I don’t care if you did or if you didn’t! What about those women?”
Bullseye merely shrugged.
“I can’t remember.”
“Well maybe you’ll remember this,” said Osborn, changing to the next section.
The inside source also claims that the diabolical acts Director Osborn claimed was committed by the villain Bullseye were, in fact, committed by our new Hawkeye. This would explain his close proximity to three nuns, who were tragically murdered several days ago, found with wound marks resembling that of his arrows.
“I warned you,” said Clint Barton, the hero known as Ronin. “I warned all of you that they weren’t to be taken lightly. Do you believe me now?”
Bullseye smiled. He remembered those bitches. They were taking too long to cross the damn street. In a moment of unbridled generosity, he gave them the chance to move out of his way, but instead they went and spouted some bible verse about patience. They deserved it. Osborn should have been happy that he took the arrows with him.
“What can I say, Osborn? It was a slow day.”
Gargan’s hand shot up into the air.
“Ooh, ooh, Normie do me next!”
Norman was all too happy to oblige, if only to give him something to take his mind off of Lester’s attitude. The screen changed to “Spider-Man’s” page. His photo spread was of him with Jameson at the festival, him handing Doctor Everything over to the police… And the photos that, until today, Norman believed he was the sole possessor of. The ones given to him by Jameson of Gargan arranging the gang war between the Park Avenue Players and the Rolling Sevens, as well as some edited photos of Venom eating various the appendages of other villains. With a second click, the text came into view…
Although this new, black suit spider-man proving to be incredibly popular with our audience, our source says that ladies better beware! Our friendly, neighborhood Spider-Man isn’t really so friendly, and in fact, he’s the one behind the disappearance of several strippers in the area. He’s also behind, as these EXCLUSIVE photos show, arranged the brief but bloody gang war last month between the rolling 7’s and the park avenue players.
The man claiming to be the original, blue and red suited spidey, had this to say “Hey, I got enough problems, I don’t need people thinking that I eat strippers.”
Gargan yawned.
“That’s no fun at all, Normie,” he said. “You already knew all of that.”
“That’s not the point!” snarled Norman. His neck was turning that red shade it becomes whenever he got angry. “The only one who should know about that is me! As much as I hate to say it, you’re one of the more popular Avengers in the eyes of the public. We don’t want them thinking you eat prostitutes!”
“Oh no Normie, you don’t worry about that. I don’t eat prostitutes. I eat strippers.”
Norman screamed.
Karla laughed. Seeing Norman so angry always made her day. He turned his gaze on her.
“You have a page too, Karla.”
Karla merely shrugged. “I figured as much, Norman. Hit me.”
“Ms. Marvel’s” page appeared on the screen. As she figured, most of her positive photos objectified her with gratuitous ass and breast shots. She smiled slightly as she remembered posing for one of those. Her negative photos were mainly her fighting with the real Ms. Marvel-mainly so there were twice as many gratuitous ass and breast shots, but one of them came from Osborn’s closed circuit cameras, and showed her murdering that hack psychiatrist.
“Oh come on, Norman. That man was a mole and you wanted me to do it.”
Norman said nothing, and the projector changed images.
It seems that the lone woman on the Avengers team is also the loosest. Our source says she’s had sex with almost all of her other teammates (including that three-way with Hawkeye and Wolverine. See page 31 for more juicy details!). But just how good is the sex? Rumors have it that a romp with the beautiful Ms. Marvel lead to the departure of former member, Marvel Boy! It makes you wonder what the other men see in her-or what the former member didn’t.
“Female superheroes have a bad enough name as it is,” said Jessica Jones, formerly known as the superheroine, Jewel. “We don’t need skanks like her around to make it worse.”
Karla huffed. “Are you kidding me? I gave that kid the best sex of his life. It’s not my fault if he couldn’t handle it.”
“Again with the three-way?” muttered Bullseye.
“It wasn’t much of a three-way, Lester. I could have left the room and I doubt you would have noticed.”
Bullseye snapped. He grabbed several pens off the table and hurled them at the bitch. Karla just shook her head and allowed them to pass right through her, and they lodged into the far wall. Karla turned her attention back to the article. One of the words had caught her attention.
“Loose? Who uses the word ‘loose’ anymore? Other than you, Norman. How do we know you didn’t leak all of this to the rag?”
“Because, Karla, I spend all of my free time cleaning up everyone’s damn messes!”
Osborn glared at all of them. None of them seemed all that concerned.
“Yes, yes of course,” said Daken, leaning back in his chair. Although this meeting had a promising start, it was declining fast. “Our leader works oh so hard, why would he ever give himself more work?”
“You have almost three damn pages all to yourself, Daken. You wanted to piss off your daddy; you certainly got your wish.”
“Oh Norman, why do you have to go and bring my father into this?”
The projector changed to Wolverine’s page. There were pictures of him saving the baby, him on several missions with the other avengers… Him having sex with several H.A.M.M.E.R. staff-male and female-him famously cursing out the old lady and the child, him gutting a bank robber... The projector clicked.
“Wolverine has been seeing a surge in popularity since the change in costume and the tattoo, but, as most of us have seen, he has a violent streak to him. The video of him cursing out an old woman and a child has been viewed on YouTube over 2 million times, despite H.AM.M.E.R.’s attempts to purge the video from the popular social networking site. He’s also believed to behind several mysterious deaths that, for ‘public safety’ H.AM.M.E.R. has covered up. According to our inside sources, the man is a real animal, and says that anyone who gets on his bad side meets a swift and violent end.
And man is he an animal in the bedroom! Men and women are lining up around the block to say they’ve had a taste of Wolverine. This includes teammates Hawkeye and Ms. Marvel (see page 31 for EXCLUSIVE pics!).
‘That’s no Wolverine,’ said Luke Cage, who once went by Power Man. ‘Don’t let him take you for a ride. He’s a killer and a psycho, just like the rest of them.’”
“Mr. Cage flatters me,” said Daken.
Ares, who had been quiet during the exchange, finally spoke.
“Ay, Osborn, I understand the importance of this… meeting. But surely I have not done anything to draw your ire?”
“You would think that, wouldn’t you?”
Osborn clicked the projector, and much to Ares’ surprise, he had his own page. Other than his press conference photo, there were a series of smaller photographs forming a timeline in the middle of the page. It was hard to make out what they were in its current state. Osborn changed the image.
Not much is known about the Avengers’ resident god, Ares. In fact, even our inside sources didn’t have much to offer. However, we obtained EXCLUSIVE video from Mc Sorleys, showing our god gone wild. The bar, only blocks from Avengers Tower, was once a frequent hangout of the “god of war.” One night Ares had a little too much to drink, and got handsy with his waitress. When the bouncer tried to evict the Olympian, our avenger got up close and personal with him and several of the patrons who stepped in to help. Six patrons and the bouncer were sent to the hospital, and three are in critical condition.
‘I know Ares,’ said the other Ms. Marvel. ‘That isn’t Ares. He’s been pushed to the breaking point by hanging around those other fake avengers. Please don’t hold this against him.’
Ares slammed his fist on the table. “Lies!” He roared.
Osborn changed the projector to the blown up timeline images. They were a series of pictures, showing Ares groping a waitress, then fighting several people and destroying property in a drunken rage.
Ares grew silent. His hands clenched. His memories of that night began to come back to him. It was the night he discovered that Alexander was lying to him, that he was being trained by Nick Fury with the other children. That and the stress from the previous missions had lead him to travel the bar for mead, and then to do... that. It was dishonorable. He was dishonorable.
“I shall make amends tonight, Osborn.”
“Damn right you are, Ares! I don’t give a shit if you’re a god or not.”
Ares stood.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“’Tis none of your business.”
He walked out of the room. Nobody, not even Osborn, tried to stop him. They stared at the open door for a few moments before Osborn seemed to remember he was still angry at them.
“So do any of you have any questions before I nail your asses to the wall?”
“Why didn’t you just call the writer of the article a terrorist and arrest him?” asked Bullseye. “That’s what you normally do.”
“Don’t you think I thought of that already?” snarled Osborn. “I can’t find the damn person who wrote it-for all I know he doesn’t exist! And I can’t shut down the entire tabloid-the issues already out and it would seem like we’re having a hissy fit.”
“But Osborn, you ARE having a hissy fit,” said Karla. The angrier Osborn was, the brighter her mood became.
“I WILL FIRE ALL OF YOU, I SWEAR!”
Daken’s hand shot into the air.
“Where’s the Sentry? How come we all get scolded and he gets off scott free?”
Osborn noticeably stiffened, and some of the blood fell from his face. His temper, at least for the moment, seemed quelled.
“I am going to speak with Bob alone.”
The others nodded slightly. None of them wanted to see Bob angry. Frankly, they were glad he wasn’t there. But Daken wasn’t backing down.
“Is that really the reason?
He pulled a hard copy of the tabloid out of his back pocket and began to leaf through its pages. Osborn tried to yank it from his grasp, but Daken wheeled his chair away from the outstretched hand.
“Where did you get that?!” Osborn snarled. He was so red that the others were waiting for him to pop a vein.
“I bought it from the street vendor on the corner, same as you. Or am I not allowed to buy things with my own money now?”
Osborn tried once again to grab the magazine from Daken’s hands, but Daken sidestepped, continuing to turn the pages. A third attempt landed Osborn on the floor, as Karla had “accidentally” stretched out her leg out in front of him. The avengers watched Daken curiously. Daken found the page he was looking for and began to read
“‘It’s common knowledge that Director Osborn was formerly the Green Goblin, but the ‘reformed’ supervillain seems have let the power go to his head. Inside sources say that the director of H.A.M.M.E.R. is indiscriminately arresting those who oppose him…’ no wait, that’s what I was looking for,” said Daken, skimming the page with his finger. “Ah, here it is: ‘And of course Osborn has some secrets of his own...’”
“Give me that!”
Osborn tried once again to grab the tabloid. Bullseye pinned his sleeve to the wall with three of the few remaining pens. He wanted to know what he was hiding, and if this involved helping that shit, Daken… He was willing to make an exception, just this once.
“Where was I? Oh right!” Daken was reveling in the attention. “‘And of course the director has some secrets of his own… In the bedroom! Rumor has it that Mr. Osborn has, on multiple occasions engaged in sexual intercourse with the mysterious and powerful Sentry.’”
“That’s enough, Daken!” He was tearing his shirt from the wall with newfound urgency.
Daken ignored him and continued. “‘Mr. Osborn and the Sentry are often seen together in the field, and our inside sources says that they spend most of their time off the field together as well. One time the two were gone for hours. Check out these EXCLUSIVE pictures-’”
“THAT’S ENOUGH!”
All eyes fell on Osborn. No one said a word for a while and merely digested the news.
“Well that certainly explains a lot…” muttered Bullseye.
“We all knew you were hard up for sex, Normie, but SENTRY, really?” Gargan began to laugh.
“You know Osborn,” said Karla. “I’d be more than willing to offer my psychological services. All you had to do was ask.”
Daken merely smirked.
“I’ll… I’ll let this pass this one time. No one will believe it anyway,” said Osborn, glancing wildly from person to person. “And none of you will ever mention this again.”
He promptly turned on his heel and stormed out of the room. The others stared at one another in silence, and slowly all eyes fell on Daken. Once certain that Osborn was gone, the mutant pulled out several envelopes from his back pocket, and handed out the royalty checks.