Dysconnection (post-chaotic straight)
It's an issue. Always has been, and it's been mentioned as though spewed from a broken record. It ran through my head in un-verbalized speech over an hour ago, but I don't know if I can find a way for those unsaid words to be so precisely formed. I don't know if I can find the clarity in any expression of it to get whatever it is I'm hoping for; maybe I'm being naive enough to hope for a solution. Whatever I may receive, something akin to relief is desired; because it's getting bad. I'm not just saying that, but I'm saying it as something relative, and it was debilitating to begin with. Before, starting, throughout, ending. This after seems to propose even more a potent and crippling form of the feature than I can recall it as having been. Reality is 'known', understood. It is absent and lacking as any sort of experience, and even the memories are of connections so flawed as to suggest that such a thing as an experience that feels real is simply beyond what reality actually has to offer. The sensations are not just present, they are beyond that as they delve into painfully pervasive, yet the perception of them is as though they were some far off occurrence. It's as though the lights I can feel surrounding me, bathing me in that poisonous irritation of scratching and burning at my flesh, are actually invading someone some miles away. I simply happen to be able to be perceiving their sensation of it from my perch at some distant, foreign location. I don't know where the roots are. I don't know what caused what, or if there's any relation between them beyond their coexistence as symptoms aiding the extremity of malfunction that pushes me further from others. I'd just... I don't know. I think I'd like to feel something again; and not just feel it, but feel it like I'm actually there as it's happening to me. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm mislead by the lack of memories... but it seems as though that might actually be... nice.