(no subject)
i'm sober so this isnt one of those posts. in about 2 months or so it will have been 2 yrs since i've been back, and i am very much the same but also so much different.
when i look in the mirror i notice broader shoulders and that my eyes are noticably duller than they used to be even when i try and make them shine like the old days.i dont cry anymore but i feel more tired,all the time.
i havnt had a real date in the entire time since i've been back. i ended things with alison and havnt found someone since.in the past 2 yrs i've had sex less then 8 times with 2 girls combined.fear of being dumped or jst flat out rejected has caged me, i long for being set up by friends just to bypass the hard part.
i know the meaning of a days hard work and of being flat broke. also of being semi homeless in in complete dispair.
i miss the way things were. the way things should of been or so i though.i miss every relationship i've ever been or thought i was in.i miss holding jaki's small hand,the way her thumb twitched,and having fairly intellegent conversations about movies and other random things. i miss holding lisa as she took a nap in my lap,i miss her accent,i miss fucking her.i miss having anna sleep with my former best friend.i miss talking with meghan about things in her life and about the future, and looking at the mole on her face and staring at her thinking she has a certain striking beutiy about her,it sounds strange but the type of prettiness that a tiger has at the zoo, its so dam awe striking but you know in a awhile you'll have to let it go because it doesnt think the same of you, it has other goals,other likes.i miss being totaly comfortable with alison, making stupid jokes only we got,staying up watching retarded shows in my moms house,talking about naming our kids,thinking how cute her overbite was,sliding my hand under her shirt and just holding it on her stomache,and knowing that this girl was what i would be if i were a girl,feeling happy when i see her.i miss chelsea's sarcasm,lack of caring,and fast and poor judgment.i miss talking to tiara,only talking to her on the phone and telling her things i never and proally will never tell anyone, only to have her brush me off,i miss her crushing my hope.
i dont miss seeing pretty girls at safeway with boyfriends,seeing them at my friends house being hit on and either giving in or brushing them off,making eye contact with them, wanting to say somthing ot them and chickening out.i dont miss coming home to an empty bed and no miss phone calls.i dont miss wanting to choke my friends because they wont help me then not hating them because its not their fault
i havnt changed,i still think of putting a gun to my head on occations,i still just want to find a girl to love.i still eat drink and sleep alone.things are the same
when i look in the mirror i notice broader shoulders and that my eyes are noticably duller than they used to be even when i try and make them shine like the old days.i dont cry anymore but i feel more tired,all the time.
i havnt had a real date in the entire time since i've been back. i ended things with alison and havnt found someone since.in the past 2 yrs i've had sex less then 8 times with 2 girls combined.fear of being dumped or jst flat out rejected has caged me, i long for being set up by friends just to bypass the hard part.
i know the meaning of a days hard work and of being flat broke. also of being semi homeless in in complete dispair.
i miss the way things were. the way things should of been or so i though.i miss every relationship i've ever been or thought i was in.i miss holding jaki's small hand,the way her thumb twitched,and having fairly intellegent conversations about movies and other random things. i miss holding lisa as she took a nap in my lap,i miss her accent,i miss fucking her.i miss having anna sleep with my former best friend.i miss talking with meghan about things in her life and about the future, and looking at the mole on her face and staring at her thinking she has a certain striking beutiy about her,it sounds strange but the type of prettiness that a tiger has at the zoo, its so dam awe striking but you know in a awhile you'll have to let it go because it doesnt think the same of you, it has other goals,other likes.i miss being totaly comfortable with alison, making stupid jokes only we got,staying up watching retarded shows in my moms house,talking about naming our kids,thinking how cute her overbite was,sliding my hand under her shirt and just holding it on her stomache,and knowing that this girl was what i would be if i were a girl,feeling happy when i see her.i miss chelsea's sarcasm,lack of caring,and fast and poor judgment.i miss talking to tiara,only talking to her on the phone and telling her things i never and proally will never tell anyone, only to have her brush me off,i miss her crushing my hope.
i dont miss seeing pretty girls at safeway with boyfriends,seeing them at my friends house being hit on and either giving in or brushing them off,making eye contact with them, wanting to say somthing ot them and chickening out.i dont miss coming home to an empty bed and no miss phone calls.i dont miss wanting to choke my friends because they wont help me then not hating them because its not their fault
i havnt changed,i still think of putting a gun to my head on occations,i still just want to find a girl to love.i still eat drink and sleep alone.things are the same