Humbling Moments
I. Fucking. Hate. Asking. For. Help.
I hate it. I hate it hate it hate it.
I love helping others. Doing favors, lending things, doing things to make them happy. It's my lifeblood. If I can help someone or make them smile, I will do just about anything.
But asking for help myself makes me want to cry. Or rather, makes me cry.
Today I tried my best to muscle my flat tire off of my car, only to get the spare tire on and realize that it was flat, unfixable, and made all of the other tires on my car scream when I moved it.
Defeated, covered in dirt and motor oil, I called my aunt- who is wiring money to me as we speak so that I can either get it towed somewhere or at least buy a tire and try to fix it myself. But still- it is so frustrating. It was frustrating to have to ask Emily and Chris for help when I was in Madison. It's frustrating to have to ask Cindy for help because I don't know anything about cars. Frustrating to think of all the stuff Bruce has done and continues to do for me, because I feel like a complete severance from him is never possible. Frustrated that a complete severance is something that even needs to happen- but that's another mess.
It just all around sucks. What I want more than anything is to exist as that girl that you can rely on for anything but doesn't need anything herself. I thrive on being able to get into my car and drive off, or disappear downstairs, or just overall be self sufficient in a pinch. Not that it ever happens, apparently, but it's something I enjoy.
Also makes me nervous to start dating again. How am I supposed to let anyone see the best of me if I am so bewildered by just surviving?
I already have to deal with the un-fun parts of being a grownup. When do I get to enjoy the stability and such?
I hate it. I hate it hate it hate it.
I love helping others. Doing favors, lending things, doing things to make them happy. It's my lifeblood. If I can help someone or make them smile, I will do just about anything.
But asking for help myself makes me want to cry. Or rather, makes me cry.
Today I tried my best to muscle my flat tire off of my car, only to get the spare tire on and realize that it was flat, unfixable, and made all of the other tires on my car scream when I moved it.
Defeated, covered in dirt and motor oil, I called my aunt- who is wiring money to me as we speak so that I can either get it towed somewhere or at least buy a tire and try to fix it myself. But still- it is so frustrating. It was frustrating to have to ask Emily and Chris for help when I was in Madison. It's frustrating to have to ask Cindy for help because I don't know anything about cars. Frustrating to think of all the stuff Bruce has done and continues to do for me, because I feel like a complete severance from him is never possible. Frustrated that a complete severance is something that even needs to happen- but that's another mess.
It just all around sucks. What I want more than anything is to exist as that girl that you can rely on for anything but doesn't need anything herself. I thrive on being able to get into my car and drive off, or disappear downstairs, or just overall be self sufficient in a pinch. Not that it ever happens, apparently, but it's something I enjoy.
Also makes me nervous to start dating again. How am I supposed to let anyone see the best of me if I am so bewildered by just surviving?
I already have to deal with the un-fun parts of being a grownup. When do I get to enjoy the stability and such?