Okay. I get it. You can quiet down now, subconscious.
Last night I had two dreams, both very intense.
Number One: I'm not sure how it began but it ended with me and Ryan in each other's arms crying and hugging. I remember that I kept saying "I thought you forgot me. I thought I'd never see you again." I don't remember his reply, but I'm nauseous just thinking about it right now.
Number Two: Bruce and I are trying to escape down this very steep, winding staircase. It's one of those ones with the open middle you can see the first floor through. We have our cats and are trying to get down as fast as we can. I drop my keys on a ledge to the side and he jumps over to get them. Then all the sudden he is tossing the cats to me and Icarus makes it, but Miyazaki can't. He scrambles for a moment on the ledge to climb up but slips. He falls to the floor, and I look down at his body laying on the ground, dead. By the time we get down to him, there are cats everywhere and when we find him he's just limping. We don't know for sure it's Zak because he's a tabby and there are similar cats everywhere. I wake up as we just decide to take him and run out of the building.
Both times I woke up, disturbed, and had to talk to myself to get back to sleep.
Today, after thinking about both dreams, I ended things with Bruce. Officially. As in- no more sex, no more quiet weekend trips, no more love letters, no more pseudo back together off and on again. I think I've been ready to let him go for a long time. I spent a few days earlier this week with him, and it felt...wrong almost the whole time. We had fun, and kissing him is always very, very enjoyable. I love him so much it still hurts my chest to think about it. But I don't want to be with him like that, now. I don't want to be physically involved with him right now- and I think that it's my inner mind's last ditch effort to disengage me from a situation that it knows isn't right. My heart is forcibly killing my libido so that I can't "think with my dick". If when I see him I feel something like I used to, feel attracted, feel in love- I will figure it out then. But right now I think my mind is trying to tell me that I'm trying to keep myself in love with someone artificially. I'm trying to weave only the good around myself and convince myself that my relationship with him is something worth fighting for. And as a person, as Bruce- yes. He's worth fighting a million wars unarmed for. He is the most incredible man I've ever known, and I was very very lucky to have him. I remain lucky to call him my best friend and closest confidant. But this farce, this pretending- it needs to stop. I cannot allow myself to be more afraid of being alone than afraid to live a lie and ignore my quiet inner voice that says "No. You're not doing this for the right reasons."
I think the imagery around dream one was two-fold. I consider it a warning not to let myself continue down a path that will end like the one with Ryan. I also consider it a message that I have all the flame, passion, and love in me that I always have. And that flame wants to come out, not be shelved in favor of a friendship that only had slight overtones of romance. Also I think it reminds me that as much as I'd like to shoot down the little voice inside, it's telling me that even after all these years the scars an imprints he left on my heart are still there and unresolved. I should have dealt with them before I moved on with Bruce- and only I know how many times I've wondered if my mistakes are due to a rush job on healing. I don't dream about Jason or Mike, or anyone else like this. It's always him- the really mean knife my subconscious pulls out when it needs to get through. I understand how people write songs and poems about being haunted by people that aren't dead- being haunted by memories is a very real thing. I need to exorcise these demons once and for all before I can really move on. I may have removed the love from my heart for him a long time ago, but he still rapes my dreams and heart at night with the perversion of what once was. It's a very cruel joke, if it's a joke at all.
The dream involving Bruce, Zak, and me is pretty blatant. I know I have unresolved anger and trust issues with Bruce- a relationship as rocky as ours has been for years now is littered with potholes like that. And Zak is just, pure love. I love him from his ears to the tip of his tail. I know Bruce would never hurt me or Zak purposefully, but I manage to hurt myself for him, through him. Remaining in his life with no adjustments for feelings or changing minds is dangerous to me. Zak signifies my unadulterated love and happiness, and Bruce dropping him is just reaffirmation that he cannot support me in my emotional needs. This is something we've both known for a long time, but both of us soldiered on in numerous ways to try to fill that gap with everything but what it actually required. Admirable, but unsuccessful. I can't trust Bruce to keep my emotions afloat, I need to trust myself.
My mind has been trying to tell me for years through dreams, what it is that I'm afraid of or unwilling to face. I think it was trying to use two of the strongest images it could conjure up to show me how close to emotional oblivion I was getting.
I greet this day and all others now with the intent to allow my darkest thoughts, secrets, and emotions surface so that I can beat them once and for all rather than push them down and put new ones on top of them.
Maybe my 23rd year will be the year when I finally unlock the last few chains around my neck and walk away from them for good?
Drew
Number One: I'm not sure how it began but it ended with me and Ryan in each other's arms crying and hugging. I remember that I kept saying "I thought you forgot me. I thought I'd never see you again." I don't remember his reply, but I'm nauseous just thinking about it right now.
Number Two: Bruce and I are trying to escape down this very steep, winding staircase. It's one of those ones with the open middle you can see the first floor through. We have our cats and are trying to get down as fast as we can. I drop my keys on a ledge to the side and he jumps over to get them. Then all the sudden he is tossing the cats to me and Icarus makes it, but Miyazaki can't. He scrambles for a moment on the ledge to climb up but slips. He falls to the floor, and I look down at his body laying on the ground, dead. By the time we get down to him, there are cats everywhere and when we find him he's just limping. We don't know for sure it's Zak because he's a tabby and there are similar cats everywhere. I wake up as we just decide to take him and run out of the building.
Both times I woke up, disturbed, and had to talk to myself to get back to sleep.
Today, after thinking about both dreams, I ended things with Bruce. Officially. As in- no more sex, no more quiet weekend trips, no more love letters, no more pseudo back together off and on again. I think I've been ready to let him go for a long time. I spent a few days earlier this week with him, and it felt...wrong almost the whole time. We had fun, and kissing him is always very, very enjoyable. I love him so much it still hurts my chest to think about it. But I don't want to be with him like that, now. I don't want to be physically involved with him right now- and I think that it's my inner mind's last ditch effort to disengage me from a situation that it knows isn't right. My heart is forcibly killing my libido so that I can't "think with my dick". If when I see him I feel something like I used to, feel attracted, feel in love- I will figure it out then. But right now I think my mind is trying to tell me that I'm trying to keep myself in love with someone artificially. I'm trying to weave only the good around myself and convince myself that my relationship with him is something worth fighting for. And as a person, as Bruce- yes. He's worth fighting a million wars unarmed for. He is the most incredible man I've ever known, and I was very very lucky to have him. I remain lucky to call him my best friend and closest confidant. But this farce, this pretending- it needs to stop. I cannot allow myself to be more afraid of being alone than afraid to live a lie and ignore my quiet inner voice that says "No. You're not doing this for the right reasons."
I think the imagery around dream one was two-fold. I consider it a warning not to let myself continue down a path that will end like the one with Ryan. I also consider it a message that I have all the flame, passion, and love in me that I always have. And that flame wants to come out, not be shelved in favor of a friendship that only had slight overtones of romance. Also I think it reminds me that as much as I'd like to shoot down the little voice inside, it's telling me that even after all these years the scars an imprints he left on my heart are still there and unresolved. I should have dealt with them before I moved on with Bruce- and only I know how many times I've wondered if my mistakes are due to a rush job on healing. I don't dream about Jason or Mike, or anyone else like this. It's always him- the really mean knife my subconscious pulls out when it needs to get through. I understand how people write songs and poems about being haunted by people that aren't dead- being haunted by memories is a very real thing. I need to exorcise these demons once and for all before I can really move on. I may have removed the love from my heart for him a long time ago, but he still rapes my dreams and heart at night with the perversion of what once was. It's a very cruel joke, if it's a joke at all.
The dream involving Bruce, Zak, and me is pretty blatant. I know I have unresolved anger and trust issues with Bruce- a relationship as rocky as ours has been for years now is littered with potholes like that. And Zak is just, pure love. I love him from his ears to the tip of his tail. I know Bruce would never hurt me or Zak purposefully, but I manage to hurt myself for him, through him. Remaining in his life with no adjustments for feelings or changing minds is dangerous to me. Zak signifies my unadulterated love and happiness, and Bruce dropping him is just reaffirmation that he cannot support me in my emotional needs. This is something we've both known for a long time, but both of us soldiered on in numerous ways to try to fill that gap with everything but what it actually required. Admirable, but unsuccessful. I can't trust Bruce to keep my emotions afloat, I need to trust myself.
My mind has been trying to tell me for years through dreams, what it is that I'm afraid of or unwilling to face. I think it was trying to use two of the strongest images it could conjure up to show me how close to emotional oblivion I was getting.
I greet this day and all others now with the intent to allow my darkest thoughts, secrets, and emotions surface so that I can beat them once and for all rather than push them down and put new ones on top of them.
Maybe my 23rd year will be the year when I finally unlock the last few chains around my neck and walk away from them for good?
Drew