Politically Correct Xmas Carols
This is one of those things that makes me laugh.
Subject:: New Guidance is out on singing of Christmas carols
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy
to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular
blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable
alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons
must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to
provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for
members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider
whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly
if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained
from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not
participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only
and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic
chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the
inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their
flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her
glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a
donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines
is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are
required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased
risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face
masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed
his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply
referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be
considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed
at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of
frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and
fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to
make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift
voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in
order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or
satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding
fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr
Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food
and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the
likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any
part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the
Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be
taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be
implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be
considered whilst this investigation takes place
Subject:: New Guidance is out on singing of Christmas carols
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy
to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular
blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable
alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau
check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons
must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to
provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for
members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider
whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly
if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained
from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not
participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only
and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic
chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the
inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their
flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her
glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a
donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines
is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are
required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased
risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face
masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed
his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply
referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be
considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed
at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of
frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and
fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to
make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift
voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in
order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or
satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding
fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr
Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food
and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the
likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any
part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the
Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be
taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be
implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be
considered whilst this investigation takes place