you only want it 'cause it's over.
I'm at a weird place in my life right now. I'm on the brink of changing everything...I'm moving off campus officially soon, working my ass off, changing my major and basically just concentrating on myself entirely. It's been so long since I've really had anyone to worry about except for me and I think I'm finally used to it. I spent so much time in the past 2 years looking for someone to be with, someone that was good for me. And I never found it; but I know now that you really can't go looking for something like that. If you do, you'll never find it. You will find something, but probably not the right something. Or someone, I should say. I don't know what to think about all of this, though. I have so many things going through my mind all of the time. I'm fucking stressed but half the time I don't even have a chance to realize that I'm stressed. I've been on go-mode for the past 2 months and I'm winding down and it makes my stomach hurt. I deal with all of it well, but sometimes I wish that I didn't have to.
I would be lying if I said that Jojo and that whole situation didn't bother me still, but it has definitely gotten a lot better. It's so hard to make yourself accept that a certain person just isn't who you thought they were. It hurts, it hurts bad. That was definitely a first for me. I've never in my life had someone tell me so many goddamn lies. I've been mistaken about people before, but not like that. I just don't understand why someone would ever find it necessary to lead me on like that, with a fake personality that they don't even WANT to embrace. It's sad because I had that thing with him, that thing where I just am connected to someone...and that doesn't happen often. I don't believe that I was wrong about everything and that's why I still care; I saw things that he didn't ever say, which is the only reason I know that they're true. I see so many things in him that I see in myself which is the reason I know that he needs help, lol. Sad but true. I've got to stop doing that though. I can't keep getting attached to guys that I want to help. I have too much confidence in myself. Not that it's undeserved...it's just unrealistic. You can't change people. I can say that over and over to myself, but it's still hard for me to believe. I just wish that he could see what I see...he hates himself (or so it seems) and all of these things he does are such a coverup and it's so obvious. So pathetic. Oh, what the hell was I THINKING? What the hell am I ever thinking?
I'm excited to come home for Christmas. I need a break....from school, from work, from Tampa in general. I've been having fun lately, but I'm starting to get lonely. And anytime when I start getting lonely while I'm having fun, I know that I need a break. It's funny knowing the innerworkings of my own insanity. Everyone is a little bit insane, it's getting a grip on it that makes you healthy. It would be comical for me to even think that I completely understand the way my brain works, but in this present moment, I'm okay and I can handle it.
I'm okay and I can handle it.
I would be lying if I said that Jojo and that whole situation didn't bother me still, but it has definitely gotten a lot better. It's so hard to make yourself accept that a certain person just isn't who you thought they were. It hurts, it hurts bad. That was definitely a first for me. I've never in my life had someone tell me so many goddamn lies. I've been mistaken about people before, but not like that. I just don't understand why someone would ever find it necessary to lead me on like that, with a fake personality that they don't even WANT to embrace. It's sad because I had that thing with him, that thing where I just am connected to someone...and that doesn't happen often. I don't believe that I was wrong about everything and that's why I still care; I saw things that he didn't ever say, which is the only reason I know that they're true. I see so many things in him that I see in myself which is the reason I know that he needs help, lol. Sad but true. I've got to stop doing that though. I can't keep getting attached to guys that I want to help. I have too much confidence in myself. Not that it's undeserved...it's just unrealistic. You can't change people. I can say that over and over to myself, but it's still hard for me to believe. I just wish that he could see what I see...he hates himself (or so it seems) and all of these things he does are such a coverup and it's so obvious. So pathetic. Oh, what the hell was I THINKING? What the hell am I ever thinking?
I'm excited to come home for Christmas. I need a break....from school, from work, from Tampa in general. I've been having fun lately, but I'm starting to get lonely. And anytime when I start getting lonely while I'm having fun, I know that I need a break. It's funny knowing the innerworkings of my own insanity. Everyone is a little bit insane, it's getting a grip on it that makes you healthy. It would be comical for me to even think that I completely understand the way my brain works, but in this present moment, I'm okay and I can handle it.
I'm okay and I can handle it.