Peace
No more madness. Rather, mindfulness. I am at peace on my own, in my own company. I have wanted to say that honestly for so long! Words are flowing from me without effort but only in discrete bursts for now. I will let it come. There is so so much to learn and my mind is beginning to take it in. Again, this is what I have wished for. The pieces are being defined and I'm confident that the jigsaw I have always imagined will indeed emerge, which is of course extremely exciting. Initially it will take some discipline but not as much as I had at first thought. I am what I believed myself to be.
- - -
How it started a few days ago:
I realised I’d never fully engaged before. Twenty four, whilst not a bad age to realise this, is not a particularly good one either. At twenty four people have established identities for themselves which are difficult to squeeze into later in life. Squeezing into an identity is not so difficult a concept to accept, when you think about how everything we encounter chips away our ideas piece by piece until we’re left with a very small space to fit into. When we talk to people, we circle round this little space, occasionally perhaps brushing the edges, if we’re very daring sticking an elbow out into that uninhabited area, but generally, so as not to raise eyebrows, we stay put. And we connect with others who overlap - it’s all rather simple.
Imagine that for some reason you were still a blank canvas, waltzing through the world til the age of twenty four with all those pieces still intact, darting about everywhere into friendships with the most peculiarly different people. Not much credibility in that is there - flailing around like some wide-eyed doe. No, not much fun either. No circle of friends - canvases don’t lend themselves to circles, they’re rather sprawling.
So what made it hit home? A crazy love affair of course. A dizzying, full-on spectacle of two lost canvases colliding at full throttle, spewing their guts up and stepping back tearfully.
- - -
Then there was time alone, there was upset. Then there was feeling refreshed, relieved. There was reading and realising that all that I've ever wanted is already available to me and the world, the information at my fingertips for the taking. I can simply be the sponge I've always wanted to be and things will become clear along the way.
I will only send time with people who influence me positively now. I met one such lovely girl yesterday and was reminded that there really are people all around us we can connect with if we seek properly, those who hold our core values. Never again am I going to deny my strong sense of self or pretend that I feel comfortable engaging in cynicism. I am a seeker of spiritual truth; I say it proudly now.
So what is my plan of action? Simple structured living is one and I have begun by eating very simply and well, not smoking, sleeping plenty. Exercise will be forcefully imposed twice a week. Philosophical and psychological textbooks pillaged. There are a huge amount of fascinating podcasts and articles around too - I've never used the internet quite so productively before. I'm going to throw myself into volunteering - I'm very keen to see what mental health support networks exist for people in Edinburgh, particularly for those in full time work, and see how things could be improved (it seems a fitting thing to do!) Community living is what it's all essentially about I think and if I can get back to some semblence of that and encourage a few others to do the same I know I'll be very happy.
- - -
How it started a few days ago:
I realised I’d never fully engaged before. Twenty four, whilst not a bad age to realise this, is not a particularly good one either. At twenty four people have established identities for themselves which are difficult to squeeze into later in life. Squeezing into an identity is not so difficult a concept to accept, when you think about how everything we encounter chips away our ideas piece by piece until we’re left with a very small space to fit into. When we talk to people, we circle round this little space, occasionally perhaps brushing the edges, if we’re very daring sticking an elbow out into that uninhabited area, but generally, so as not to raise eyebrows, we stay put. And we connect with others who overlap - it’s all rather simple.
Imagine that for some reason you were still a blank canvas, waltzing through the world til the age of twenty four with all those pieces still intact, darting about everywhere into friendships with the most peculiarly different people. Not much credibility in that is there - flailing around like some wide-eyed doe. No, not much fun either. No circle of friends - canvases don’t lend themselves to circles, they’re rather sprawling.
So what made it hit home? A crazy love affair of course. A dizzying, full-on spectacle of two lost canvases colliding at full throttle, spewing their guts up and stepping back tearfully.
- - -
Then there was time alone, there was upset. Then there was feeling refreshed, relieved. There was reading and realising that all that I've ever wanted is already available to me and the world, the information at my fingertips for the taking. I can simply be the sponge I've always wanted to be and things will become clear along the way.
I will only send time with people who influence me positively now. I met one such lovely girl yesterday and was reminded that there really are people all around us we can connect with if we seek properly, those who hold our core values. Never again am I going to deny my strong sense of self or pretend that I feel comfortable engaging in cynicism. I am a seeker of spiritual truth; I say it proudly now.
So what is my plan of action? Simple structured living is one and I have begun by eating very simply and well, not smoking, sleeping plenty. Exercise will be forcefully imposed twice a week. Philosophical and psychological textbooks pillaged. There are a huge amount of fascinating podcasts and articles around too - I've never used the internet quite so productively before. I'm going to throw myself into volunteering - I'm very keen to see what mental health support networks exist for people in Edinburgh, particularly for those in full time work, and see how things could be improved (it seems a fitting thing to do!) Community living is what it's all essentially about I think and if I can get back to some semblence of that and encourage a few others to do the same I know I'll be very happy.