This is what happens when you talk online early in the morning
Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. My name is Kevin. I'm happily married to my beautiful wife. Who has an amazing taste in clothing, by the way. There is nothing wrong with her. She is one of the few people left who doesn't have any problems. We have a penguin named Ted. He lives in the fridge, except on special occasions where he watches TV with us or plays a board game or something. Then he sits in the ice box with the beer. I have a pretty good life. But things were not always this good. We've been through some pretty rough times. I'm going to take you to one of those times. A time when our marriage was in jeopardy. A time before Ted knew not to drink the beer in the ice box with him. This is not a story for the faint of heart or the easily confused. So if your mind is firmly based in reality, stop reading now. But if you want a story that can only be described as a soap opera that only Fox would televise, you've come to the right place.
Our story begins three months ago. That's when I met my wife. We got along so well that after only two weeks we decided to get married. Well, we got along, and we had an illegitimate penguin. So we figured hey, we'll probably get married someday. We might as well do it now so Ted can grow up in a stable environment. It was a lovely ceremony. It was on a beach with the sun shining brightly and the tide was gently rolling over the sand. I wore pink. My bride wore a tuxedo, cleverly matching the outfit Ted wore. We walked down the aisle, holding an icebox between us. Ted's head was poking out, watching intently as we vowed to honor and cherish one another for as long as we may live. Even my roommate Ben was there. Although, it did take four guys to get him there. Two to carry the couch with him on it, one to carry the TV, and one to carry the Xbox. He just sat in the back and played Knights of the Old Republic throughout the entire ceremony.
Afterward we had a reception. It was on the beach too because we didn't want to move Ben again. Everyone congratulated us and gave us lots of presents. Well, except for Adam. He just sat on the couch next to Ben the whole time, looking pissed off. People kept going over and asking Ben what he thought of the ceremony and how he felt about having another roommate now. He wouldn't say a word and never took his eyes off the TV. I had to inform them that he wouldn't respond unless it was during a time when the game was loading a new area. So everything was going great. I considered myself the luckiest man alive. Until about an hour into the reception. It was at this point that Ben stood up abruptly, raised both his arms in the air, and yelled "I finally beat it!" He started walking over to me to tell me congratulations on my wedding, but he only made it two steps before he fell to the ground, clutching at his leg, screaming "pins and needles, pins and needles!" He eventually got up and made it over to me. He shook my hand and we talked for a couple minutes. Then he walked over to the bar. He asked for a vodka martini, but the bartender wouldn't give it to him because he was only 19. So he started waving his hand in the bartender's face, saying "I am Darth Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith reborn. You will give me a vodka martini...or you will die." This brought the party to an abrupt end. It also led to a few days in a mental hospital for Ben.
Two weeks later, the vows had been shot to hell. My wife and I were arguing over everything. She was jealous because I was spending so much time with Ben. Which is ironic, because that was exactly what Ben's ex used to say about me. Anyways, she would leave for days at a time. She'd come home drunk and beat me with Ben's Xbox controllers, which had been taken away from him as part of the recovery process. During her extended absences I had gotten to be pretty close with a girl who lived upstairs: Keira Knightley. She and I decided we wanted to get married, so I dragged my bruise-covered ass to a lawyer's office and filed for divorce. I used the money I had saved up from working at the movie theater to get the best lawyer I knew of: Matt Damon. My wife retaliated by hiring Ben Affleck, but then realized he sucked. So she fired him and hired both Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt. Johnny showed up in court wearing a pink sweater and Brad wasn't wearing a shirt at all. This pissed me off because I was wearing the same pink sweater. Plus, I realized Matt didn't stand a chance. So I fired him and hired Gwen Stefani to make my wife even more jealous. However, Gwen and I didn't discuss the case very much if you know what I mean. But it didn't matter because my wife passed out right there in the courtroom after she saw Brad shirtless, and Johnny thought the whole thing was stupid. So he just sat there, smoking his cigarettes, wanting to go back to France. Eventually the judge decided to postpone the hearing because nothing was getting resolved. Brad ran off with Gwen. I performed mouth to mouth on my wife. She woke up, threw her arms around me, and said "my hero." Then we forgot about the divorce idea altogether. Which worked out because Keira ended things with me when she heard about Gwen. So my wife and I just went home and lived happily ever after.
You might be wondering where Ted went. Well, we had put him in the ice box when we were getting ready for court. And since we were arguing about one thing or another we forgot to take the beer out. So Ted got fucking shit-faced and also passed out. He awoke the following morning in some dumpster in Connecticut, not remembering how he got there. And then he waddled home to us, found out we weren't getting a divorce, and we all lived happily ever after.
Our story begins three months ago. That's when I met my wife. We got along so well that after only two weeks we decided to get married. Well, we got along, and we had an illegitimate penguin. So we figured hey, we'll probably get married someday. We might as well do it now so Ted can grow up in a stable environment. It was a lovely ceremony. It was on a beach with the sun shining brightly and the tide was gently rolling over the sand. I wore pink. My bride wore a tuxedo, cleverly matching the outfit Ted wore. We walked down the aisle, holding an icebox between us. Ted's head was poking out, watching intently as we vowed to honor and cherish one another for as long as we may live. Even my roommate Ben was there. Although, it did take four guys to get him there. Two to carry the couch with him on it, one to carry the TV, and one to carry the Xbox. He just sat in the back and played Knights of the Old Republic throughout the entire ceremony.
Afterward we had a reception. It was on the beach too because we didn't want to move Ben again. Everyone congratulated us and gave us lots of presents. Well, except for Adam. He just sat on the couch next to Ben the whole time, looking pissed off. People kept going over and asking Ben what he thought of the ceremony and how he felt about having another roommate now. He wouldn't say a word and never took his eyes off the TV. I had to inform them that he wouldn't respond unless it was during a time when the game was loading a new area. So everything was going great. I considered myself the luckiest man alive. Until about an hour into the reception. It was at this point that Ben stood up abruptly, raised both his arms in the air, and yelled "I finally beat it!" He started walking over to me to tell me congratulations on my wedding, but he only made it two steps before he fell to the ground, clutching at his leg, screaming "pins and needles, pins and needles!" He eventually got up and made it over to me. He shook my hand and we talked for a couple minutes. Then he walked over to the bar. He asked for a vodka martini, but the bartender wouldn't give it to him because he was only 19. So he started waving his hand in the bartender's face, saying "I am Darth Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith reborn. You will give me a vodka martini...or you will die." This brought the party to an abrupt end. It also led to a few days in a mental hospital for Ben.
Two weeks later, the vows had been shot to hell. My wife and I were arguing over everything. She was jealous because I was spending so much time with Ben. Which is ironic, because that was exactly what Ben's ex used to say about me. Anyways, she would leave for days at a time. She'd come home drunk and beat me with Ben's Xbox controllers, which had been taken away from him as part of the recovery process. During her extended absences I had gotten to be pretty close with a girl who lived upstairs: Keira Knightley. She and I decided we wanted to get married, so I dragged my bruise-covered ass to a lawyer's office and filed for divorce. I used the money I had saved up from working at the movie theater to get the best lawyer I knew of: Matt Damon. My wife retaliated by hiring Ben Affleck, but then realized he sucked. So she fired him and hired both Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt. Johnny showed up in court wearing a pink sweater and Brad wasn't wearing a shirt at all. This pissed me off because I was wearing the same pink sweater. Plus, I realized Matt didn't stand a chance. So I fired him and hired Gwen Stefani to make my wife even more jealous. However, Gwen and I didn't discuss the case very much if you know what I mean. But it didn't matter because my wife passed out right there in the courtroom after she saw Brad shirtless, and Johnny thought the whole thing was stupid. So he just sat there, smoking his cigarettes, wanting to go back to France. Eventually the judge decided to postpone the hearing because nothing was getting resolved. Brad ran off with Gwen. I performed mouth to mouth on my wife. She woke up, threw her arms around me, and said "my hero." Then we forgot about the divorce idea altogether. Which worked out because Keira ended things with me when she heard about Gwen. So my wife and I just went home and lived happily ever after.
You might be wondering where Ted went. Well, we had put him in the ice box when we were getting ready for court. And since we were arguing about one thing or another we forgot to take the beer out. So Ted got fucking shit-faced and also passed out. He awoke the following morning in some dumpster in Connecticut, not remembering how he got there. And then he waddled home to us, found out we weren't getting a divorce, and we all lived happily ever after.