if photos could capture hidden feelings accurately, I'll capture them all and lock them away.
(this post acts as a way to sort out my mind, to clear my thoughts, it's really long, please do not bother)
Vietnam RCIP (16th Nov 2010- 29th Nov 2010)
I think I'm still trying to adapt back to Singapore right now, its amazing how Phuong Thinh had affected me this much. Adaptations never took this long, I always got swipped away by all my busy schedules after OBS, Turkiye and Aus. But right now, even my body seems to be adapting. Something in the air is affecting my nose and my eyes, I feel like conjunctivities is going to strike again ):
It's pretty weird seeing tall structured skyscrapers, to see so much greenery, to see the well-mapped out infrastructures and traffic controls. It's weird to finish up everything on your plate, eating more vege than meat, feeling as though the weather is good and not switching on the air-con when I go to bed. The people at Phuong Thinh probably taught me how to treasure life more. Life at Phuong Thinh helped me to be more "huo4 chu1 qu4" in thiings I do. It's scary how 2 weeks could affect me, it's even scarier when I think that there is always this possibility that I get too comfortable in my comfy lifestyle and and push everything back there into the back of my mind, locked up in some old tomb. I have been thinking over the past few days, what exactly there strikes me the most? What do I miss the most? I realised there isn't an answer I could formulate that could express all I wanted to include. I don't know what impacted me the most. The NY people? The VN Volunteers? Cindy/Harry? The kids? The locals? The conditions? The lifestyle? The character? The community?
This trip allowed me to be much closer to Eunice again. 13.5years of friendship, its quite amazing how our friendship works truthfully. But I always seem to remember her seeing my very vulnerable and cui side. And somehow I do feel at ease being vulnerable to her, maybe it's because I don't feel as though she's judging me like how half the world does, maybe its because of the times we had. I think its this kind of friendship that never fades, that despite not speaking much for 1 year odd or even 4 years or so, we still go well together. It's like bread and butter, it never grows old. I remember crying like crazy in Sectwo because of everything and she allowed me to cling on, and I felt like I could only cling on to her then. I remember the days and nights in Phuong Thinh where she protects me from cockroach and lends me her backpack, where she lends me her slippers cause I fell in mine and held my hand as we strolled along, where I slept on her shoulders and compared chiobus and shuaiges. But most importantly I remembered the 3 nights of intense massage cause of my lousy shoulder, the questions of concern and of how she held my hand, guiding me down the table when paint got into my eye and I couldn't see and I was afraid my conjunctivities would strike back home on day two. Truthfully I wasn't pretty social this trip round, I didn't make new strong friendships, but I think I rediscovered an old buried one that haven't faded. it's weird how our friendship works, cause I'm somewhat her guardian this trip round too. Haha Eunice Er (you will never read this) but you are perfect boyfriend material (Y) :) hahah joy says that all my boyfriend prerequisites (which is what I told you too) is exactly you. Haha.
VN Volunteers/Cindy and Harry. It was scary watching VN Volunteers cry on the last day. I don't know what past experiences they may share with regards to such kind of trip, but I hope we as NY has touched them somewhat. I miss how they laugh how they sing how Weng Ann scary and stressful Vietnamese Lessons, how we make them smile and laugh at us. I thank God for them, if not our communication with the locals and kids would be practically impossible. Everytime I learn and hear more about Cindy, I feel much more amazed and inspired by her. By her love, her brains, her passion. Harry is like another example of her. Selflessness seems so rare nowadays, its amazing how her schedules work about, how she seems to be running a never ending marathon but yet she sparks off the same amount of energy with each step she takes.
Locals, Community, Spirit. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I think the context we often use this in is so seemingly shallow in comparison with what happens back there. The strong will displayed after each fall, be it the Vietnam War in the 70s, medical illnesses, poor living conditions, the struggle for survival each day, these people gets stronger and stronger,much more willing to fight back, awaiting the arrival of spring in their lives. It hurts to see how death robs away so much of what they possess, how being poor causes this desperation in their eyes when they mention how they put whatever food they can afford on the table for their kids. How the cynic in them shouts out "whats the use of education when I don't even have money for basic survival needs". How they show their hurt and pain yet they still say that they are contented with their lives. What they do have, they treasure, what they need but doesn't have, they hope for. What we owe, we complain it's not enough, what we don't need but want, we get it into our hands. It's shocking to see how the Vietnam/America War cause so much destruction and devastating effects on all the infrastructures throughout Vietnam. But even more, it's respectful to see how each individual stands strong with the nation from such a great fall, to rise again in mere 40 years to where it stands right now. Vietnam War didn't act as a shadow pulling them down, it acted as a shadow which is a companion, reminding every one of them their love for the nation for its harsh walk to date.
Kids. The enthusiasm, the passion, the courage to face failure. Maybe we are all just too caught up in our own little bubble of success, that we as kids seem to forgo all of the above to attain success. What truly is the meaning of success? It's amazing to watch kids learn as though they are hungry for knowledge, for every minute of the 120min long lesson they keep focus, responsive and enthusiastic. How each and every single one of the kids and locals respect you for being their "teacher" for the day, how despite knowing they are so lousy in English but they don't fear taunting but just learn. It's so easy to smile back in Phuong Thinh, for each of the kids just beam at you and even when you say a simple hello, they will give back a shy smile and wave. Where is such kind of passion back here? It's heartwarming when you walk along the roads and a small hand is slipped into yours, walking with you back home. It's heartwrenching when you see every single one of the kids you played with for at least 2-3 hours each day cry their hearts out when you sit in a van and walkaway, leaving all of them back there in the Village while we come back to our comfortable lifestyles. I miss my shuai-ges and my chio-bus and all the kids there who shine with happiness, who actually have the time to play. They are so easily made happy, a simple sweet a simple high-five, a simple catch and throw ball game in a circle easily keeps them happy for so long. Its quite empty to smile at kids back here and see them staring back at you thinking what kind of idiot you are. What happened back here? The price to pay? Is this price too heavy then?
Conditions. I think the thing that challenged us the most was the physical conditions. The thing that challenged me the most was the bugs. But these are just our simple physical discomforts for 10 days, but these are their physical discomforts for the lifetime. And even stating that, we had nets when we slept, what did they have? Its sad to see a family of four sleeping on hammocks, their house consisting of only 1 wall, open to the public eyes, just because their supposed "house" is not in any condition for living. With holes in wooden planks flooring, with no light and holes in the ceilings, with rain that will cause half the house to flood. How I wished I could shift the contractor which is so noisy opposite my house back to phuong thinh, and get him to patch all the houses up for them.
Truthfully Phuong Thinh taught me alot, it allowed me to gain alot of perspectives. Is such development in SG good when it robs us of people relations, the fundamental of their community. The price to pay. It is a blessing in disguise that Singapore is such a small nation. I know how people always complain about the seemingly insignificance of the small little red dot on the map, how people often confuse us as a part of China. But truly, maybe because of its size that the government had been able to work on developing all areas. Only because of its size that there is enough resources that can be put into building each district up. Unlike big nations such as India, China and Vietnam, now that I have witnessed, where most of the funds go into developing the capitals, for it is necessary in globalisation worldwide, this results in the rural areas getting neglected and having a lack of resources. Then again, as individuals, what can we do to change our self? our community? our region? our world?
Tomorrow I promise I will start on my pile of to-dos. By the end of this holiday, I'll write out things I want to learn/attempt in my lifetime, I'll start small and work hard, and hopefully achieve high.