(no subject)
THATS BECAUSE IT REALLY IS A VIOLATION. sure, its wrong, and its destructive. but you cannot understand it until you are immersed in it, because only then are you forced to understand what is controlling you. something you began in order to gain control takes a firm grip on you and just leads your life down whichever path you fear the most. this doesnt end with, but rather contains emotional breakdowns. there is no rebuilding between each breakdown, therefore it takes less and less to cause one. and soon, you look in the mirror to notice you are no longer who you were. it doesnt take long. its like the first time you kiss a boy, you look in the mirror soon after to see if you can tell. you look at your parents and you hope they dont see. you feel transparent. like the first time you make love, you feel everyone can see and feel what you are feeling. but they dont, and you are somewhat relieved. because what if your parents knew, would they think less of you? its just like that, magnified by near a million. because making love is something all kids grow up to do sooner or later. this is not. so when someone sees what is going on, i mean REALLY sees.. its horrible. it makes your stomach turn, and nausea sets in immedietly. i thought i wouldnt sleep. i didnt know how i could start a normal conversation with someone who knew. because how could they understand unless they were in as deep as i was. its just not possible. so when she tells me she broke down, because it felt like a violation.. my immediate reaction was simply 'it damn well is a violation, and you should be breaking down... if you knew, you wouldnt feel the need to explain.. if you only fucking knew.' what came out was 'thats because it really is a violation,' a much watered down expression of emotion, and one that just doesnt fit to scale. to this moment i can still feel my blood boil at that thought, and i can feel myself covering up what i should be ashamed of. what i am ashamed of, but only to others. when i look in the mirror, i still feel empowered and liberated, just at the sight. and i imagine that is exactly how evan would feel, and how she did feel when she broke down. and when she lost it all. i know, because i can still feel it when i think about it. it is exactly how i felt when i broke down, and lost it all.