venting
people have journals for the sole purpose of being able to vent. i don't usually vent too much in mine, but instead write about stuff that no one really cares much to read about.
meaningless.
i write about the things i do because i think they hold some kind of important meaning. i talk about people who years from now i won't be able to match a face to their name. i talk about events that i'll slightly remember. meaningless.
i don't talk about politics, religion, or anything philsophical. although, i have only been out of high school for a few months i'm starting to think that i will always be in that mode. that mode where you think stupid shit matters when it really means absolutely nothing.
or maybe it isn't a mode at all, maybe it will just be my lifestyle. my life will be just as meaningless as the words and thoughts that come from me.
its an understatement to say i'm scared. i'm scared of the future, sure...but i'm also scared of who i am today. i mean am i sure about what i stand for...what the fuck do i stand for? will i ever really know? am i a good person? or just a user like everyone jokingly says? if i can't even figure out the present i'm scared to wonder about my future.
today my whole life turned upside down, and it will never be the same. my family is going to be apart for a few years while my dad commutes from north/south carolina area for a job. when matt is out of high school he is staying here with me and my mom is leaving. today it hit me, that it's time to grow up. dad is almost gone forever now, and mom is on her way. i have to take care of my little brother.
sarah is always the strong one, i over heard them saying. but really, i'm not. i think i'm the weakest and just good at hiding it. i cry at night when i'm alone. i bottle it all up. i make myself sick. no one knows how alone i really am inside myself.
i'll be alone for a long time. i know this for a fact. i dettach myself from people very easily and quickly, that is if i ever get attached to them to begin with.
sometimes its so tiring and easy to think about throwing in the towel and quitting. then i'm scared because everyone will know the truth, that sarah is weak.
i don't even know where to go from here.
meaningless.
i write about the things i do because i think they hold some kind of important meaning. i talk about people who years from now i won't be able to match a face to their name. i talk about events that i'll slightly remember. meaningless.
i don't talk about politics, religion, or anything philsophical. although, i have only been out of high school for a few months i'm starting to think that i will always be in that mode. that mode where you think stupid shit matters when it really means absolutely nothing.
or maybe it isn't a mode at all, maybe it will just be my lifestyle. my life will be just as meaningless as the words and thoughts that come from me.
its an understatement to say i'm scared. i'm scared of the future, sure...but i'm also scared of who i am today. i mean am i sure about what i stand for...what the fuck do i stand for? will i ever really know? am i a good person? or just a user like everyone jokingly says? if i can't even figure out the present i'm scared to wonder about my future.
today my whole life turned upside down, and it will never be the same. my family is going to be apart for a few years while my dad commutes from north/south carolina area for a job. when matt is out of high school he is staying here with me and my mom is leaving. today it hit me, that it's time to grow up. dad is almost gone forever now, and mom is on her way. i have to take care of my little brother.
sarah is always the strong one, i over heard them saying. but really, i'm not. i think i'm the weakest and just good at hiding it. i cry at night when i'm alone. i bottle it all up. i make myself sick. no one knows how alone i really am inside myself.
i'll be alone for a long time. i know this for a fact. i dettach myself from people very easily and quickly, that is if i ever get attached to them to begin with.
sometimes its so tiring and easy to think about throwing in the towel and quitting. then i'm scared because everyone will know the truth, that sarah is weak.
i don't even know where to go from here.