Feathers
I truly hate being bipolar. That's a self-diagnosis, incidentally, not one given by the medical community. But from what I've read about it, it certainly seems clear enough. Though, nearly all I've read focusses on the manic end of it, not the depression. Pssh. All it seems I have are normal, and low. None of the "prolonged" periods of depression, either. It comes and goes with the wind. This morning was a beautiful, upright morning, filled with promise. It is not now. It'll probably be all hunky-dory by the time I get home.
When I'm down, it's as if there is no point to anything. I've got a good job, wonderful girlfriend, a place of my own (well, shared, but we stay out of each other's way), and so forth. But... the job is just twiddling my thumbs, I just get into arguments with my family, and Katy seems to be where I was a few years ago - just checking the world out, seeing what is there. Exploring. And the church...
Two weeks ago, or so, I sent an email to Katy when I was in a mood like this. When I got home, I tried to rescind it, but you can't untake what has already been said. The end result of the exchange was "wait-and-see". I can do that, I'm certainly not doing anything else. But I drive home, and think how easy it would be to just ease off the back road into a tree at 60. What would it matter, I'm just in limbo.
Her -- you, if you're reading -- being home last week was a wondrous time for me. The cause for it was terrible, and there is a hole where Jay stood. But the depression stayed away for nearly the entire time. Other than some anxiety that I wasn't supporting her well enough, I was positively irrepressible (in my own mind). I could focus on something other than the usual mope-a-dope poor-me crap I've been doing for the past few months. But she is gone, and I'm back to not supporting her. Though I barely knew him, I miss him, trying to keep up with his mind. I get the impression that come Christmas, I won't have either him or his daughter in my life.
It crossed my mind today that in two weeks I'll be getting my wisdom teeth out. The only positive I could draw from that was that if I didn't come back from being anesthetized, it would be a painless, simple way to go. No mess, no requirement for action on my part. If I wasn't so goddamn lackadaisic, I'd already have blotted myself out. But it's too much work, too much pain, and I've never been able to do more than load a weapon, or sit on a ledge. That positive above was about the only positive in the afternoon. Bright shining light, eh?
Ah, church. I don't belong there. Community is all well and good, and I've extolled its virtues in the past. But I'm not adding anything to it, and I'm not getting anything back out. Clearly the latter is caused by the former. Even the singing isn't as uplifting as it used to be. The music is still banal and easy most of the time, except that I can't sing as well as I used to. The pastor's sermons on Sunday's are trivial, it's like he's trying to beat the congregation over the head with the most obvious points.
I don't belong anywhere, and I'm not looking for more. I have finally cut aetolia out of my life, except for five minutes here and there when Anna begs to have something approved. I've missed the weekly bowling session two weeks running. I even missed church on sunday, conveniently sleeping in. That must be why I'm trying to grab hold so hard to Katy... if she wasn't there to dump on and rant at, who would I piss on? Which shows the deep and caring relationship we have.
This was a whole lot more coherent when I was running it through my head earlier. Hopefully I don't try to immediately delete it or hide it when the sun is shining again.
EDIT: This bit of angst brought to you by the letters U, G, and H.
When I'm down, it's as if there is no point to anything. I've got a good job, wonderful girlfriend, a place of my own (well, shared, but we stay out of each other's way), and so forth. But... the job is just twiddling my thumbs, I just get into arguments with my family, and Katy seems to be where I was a few years ago - just checking the world out, seeing what is there. Exploring. And the church...
Two weeks ago, or so, I sent an email to Katy when I was in a mood like this. When I got home, I tried to rescind it, but you can't untake what has already been said. The end result of the exchange was "wait-and-see". I can do that, I'm certainly not doing anything else. But I drive home, and think how easy it would be to just ease off the back road into a tree at 60. What would it matter, I'm just in limbo.
Her -- you, if you're reading -- being home last week was a wondrous time for me. The cause for it was terrible, and there is a hole where Jay stood. But the depression stayed away for nearly the entire time. Other than some anxiety that I wasn't supporting her well enough, I was positively irrepressible (in my own mind). I could focus on something other than the usual mope-a-dope poor-me crap I've been doing for the past few months. But she is gone, and I'm back to not supporting her. Though I barely knew him, I miss him, trying to keep up with his mind. I get the impression that come Christmas, I won't have either him or his daughter in my life.
It crossed my mind today that in two weeks I'll be getting my wisdom teeth out. The only positive I could draw from that was that if I didn't come back from being anesthetized, it would be a painless, simple way to go. No mess, no requirement for action on my part. If I wasn't so goddamn lackadaisic, I'd already have blotted myself out. But it's too much work, too much pain, and I've never been able to do more than load a weapon, or sit on a ledge. That positive above was about the only positive in the afternoon. Bright shining light, eh?
Ah, church. I don't belong there. Community is all well and good, and I've extolled its virtues in the past. But I'm not adding anything to it, and I'm not getting anything back out. Clearly the latter is caused by the former. Even the singing isn't as uplifting as it used to be. The music is still banal and easy most of the time, except that I can't sing as well as I used to. The pastor's sermons on Sunday's are trivial, it's like he's trying to beat the congregation over the head with the most obvious points.
I don't belong anywhere, and I'm not looking for more. I have finally cut aetolia out of my life, except for five minutes here and there when Anna begs to have something approved. I've missed the weekly bowling session two weeks running. I even missed church on sunday, conveniently sleeping in. That must be why I'm trying to grab hold so hard to Katy... if she wasn't there to dump on and rant at, who would I piss on? Which shows the deep and caring relationship we have.
This was a whole lot more coherent when I was running it through my head earlier. Hopefully I don't try to immediately delete it or hide it when the sun is shining again.
EDIT: This bit of angst brought to you by the letters U, G, and H.