the big one
I thought this one had died, but I dun been called. OK, let's drive it home. (Previous installments here, here, here, here, here and here.) Long post ahead.
71. I've recently developed a habit I'm a little ashamed of: smoking sheesha (tobacco sweetened with molasses and fruit flavouring) a couple of times a week. I loathe cigarettes and am indifferent to weed, but sit me in front of a lit hookah full of this stuff and I won't get up until it's finished.
72. On a healthier note, I'm becoming an herbal tea fiend. Green tea with ginger is the shit.
73. I talk to myself a lot. Occaisionally I even answer myself.
74. I generally avoid situations that are likely to lead to fights and I've never beaten anyone up in my life, but I sometimes wish some punk would give me a good reason to -- just once, to see what it feels like.
75. Despite being known as someone who's "into politics", the whole macabre spectacle of it bores me to tears these days. It's like watching the human race collectively hit itself in the head with a hammer over and over again.
76. If I had to choose *only* one thing between either sex or cuddling, cuddling would win.
77. I have a touch of the contrarian vice: I enjoy arguing for weird, counterintuitive or just plain unpopular positions. This usually gets me shot by both sides on many issues, which I also kinda enjoy.
78. One of the weird contradictions in my personality is that I hate the idea of being pigeonholed or becoming a cliche, but I also try to be predictable in the sense that you always know what you're getting and where you stand with me.
79. My cultural and artistic education is woefully inadequate.
80. I worry a lot lately that I've passed my intellectual prime -- I seem to have very little interesting to say these days and have been finding it difficult to concentrate on anything. On the other hand this could just be my poor sleep habits biting me in the ass.
81. I tend to get lost in fantasy a lot -- not just personal, but utopian. Immortality, complete freedom of movement, the virtual elimination of scarcity -- the scary thing is that not only do I think these things are all possible, but that I might even get to see them.
82. The "Reckless Rex" nick comes from a short story by Matthew Good and was chosen with deliberate irony -- I'm one of the most cautious and risk averse people I know. (Ditto to my previous SN, "Little Andy Danger".)
83. Autumn is my least favourite season -- it reminds me of decay and decline, and the greyness of it all has a very melancholic effect on me.
84. I have a weakness for swaggering antiheroes of the Jack Sparrow/Doc Holliday sort.
85. I love going out in strong winds or thunderstorms (when it's warm, anyway) -- something about being out in extreme weather is exhilarating.
86. I tend to play with pens a lot when they're in my hand, put them behind my ear often, and clamp them lightly between my teeth when I'm thinking or doing something.
87. I have a high tolerence for disorderly mess, but a low tolerence for grimy (think "biohazard") mess. This leads to some amusing games of chore chicken between my dad and I: he usually gets fed up with dishes in the sink before I do, but I get fed up with the bathroom getting nasty before he does.
88. I like broccoli in or on things like an omlette or a pizza, but can't stand to eat it by itself.
89. I used to squish spiders mercilessly, but now I've taken to capturing them and throwing them outside. I have no such compunctions about murdering mosquitoes or anything else that penetrates my skin. Also roaches.
90. I think unrestrained egoism and uncritical altruism are about equally evil, but the best of all worlds is one where self-interest and benevolence coincide.
91. One of the greatest ironies I've grappled with is that an unrealistic view of one's own efficiacy seems necessary to accomplish anything significant. On the one hand I feel good about being more aware of my own fallibility and the power of sheer randomness than most people are, yet sometimes I wish I could forget it so that I'd have more confidence and second-guess myself less.
92. I was forcibly evicted from the womb by C-section two weeks behind schedule. This set the tone for a lifetime of procrastination and sloth.
93. I've been getting increasingly wanderlusty. Rome, Peru, Thailand, Uzbekistan -- I'm about as pro-globalization as they come and consider myself a "world citizen" yet I've seen relatively little of it. That needs to change.
94. Even as I settle into an educational path I'm comfortable with, I'm still in a perpetual state of indecision about what I want to do with my life. This doesn't really bother me, and in fact I've come to realize that it's actually healthier than knowing exactly what you want to do -- because any life you can plot out in advance is probably not interesting enough to be worthwhile.
95. Over the past several months I've met a few really cool people and gotten to really know a few that I'd "known" for years. For all the bitching I've done about my lack of intellectual productivity, this is more fulfilling.
96. I pride myself on keeping my promises -- I don't make them lightly and the number I've broken in my life can be counted on one hand (maybe with a digit or two to spare).
97. I've never had a girlfriend who lived within 200 miles of my home (though I've had at least a couple of opportunities). I'm not sure if this bothers me exactly, but it is wierd to think about.
98. I've done a few different kinds of hallucinogenic and dissasociative drugs, but find that the best "natural" highs are still better. Nothing I've done compares to the emotional rush of finding out someone you've long thought would be perfect for you feels the same way, opening the floodgates and letting out all that restrained tension. Can't say enough good things about it.
99. I've just booked a plane trip to Salt Lake City for Dec 27th to Jan 7th.
100. I don't believe in fate; fate is boring. I believe in chance. Which is why I'm blown away by the astoundingly improbable smile Eris has just thrown my way: my ideal partner requires a set of qualities that are relatively rare among the general population even individually, and astoundingly rare all together in the same person.
Intelligence is a must, but not enough by itself -- curiosity and a sense of wonder have to come with it. She has to be someone I can discuss pretty much anything with, moot any and all of my weird ideas and be both understood and criticized thoughtfully. Someone I can have a good argument with without having to feel the need to sand the edges off.
She has to be a delight to be around -- someone who can make me laugh a lot and hard, someone whose presence is enough to brighten up my mood, and someone I want to strive to please. Someone with a love of life, who can stop and appreciate the little beautiful things. Someone who sits comfortably on that edge between taking life seriously and taking it lightly. She's a clear-eyed realist who sees the good and the bad in their proper perspective.
She has to be talented, to be able to do something I can't do, to imbue some sense of awe in me. She has to have things to teach me, and things I can teach her. She has to have good taste in the arts (i.e. taste similar to my own). She has to be someone I can have adventures with, both external and internal. She's creative, a little weird and a little wild. She's adorable and sexy, cuddly and raunchy. She's a good cook. She's smaller than me; just the right size so that when we hug, her head rests on my heart.
She has to be confident and strong; I have to be able to know that if I walked out on her tomorrow, she'd be okay -- because knowing this makes me want to stay with her, and she feels the same way toward me. Sometimes she can dominate and sometimes she'll let me dominate, but all the time she's my equal and she's in the elite club of people whose approval matters to me. She can motivate me to excel at everything I do and would stop liking me if I stopped trying to. She feels deeply and strongly but knows that how emotions are focused and directed is just as important as the depth of feeling itself. She's reason and passion in harmony. She's patient and honest. We fit eachother.
I've known a lot of people who've had some of these things, a few who've posessed most, and nearly none who've posessed all. And even more improbably, the one girl I've met who meets or exceeds all these standards also happens to feel the same way about me as I do about her and has been under my effing nose for ages. That is weird and fantastic beyond words. And to think we came close to never discovering this is enough to make me want to cry a bit just thinking about it.
I've always been bedevilled with nagging doubts and tensions; that's just the sort of person I am. But I don't get any of that with her -- even the cool, rational, nitpicky side of me can't really find much of anything to gainsay in this. I wasn't expecting any of this, and it's quite possibly the best surprise I've ever had. I don't believe in perfection either, but this is as close as it gets. I believe we've got quite a future ahead of us. I realize this is all pretty bold considering what a short time it's been since we really got close, but "our fundamentals are good" as they say in the finance world. I'm very optimistic, and have so much I want to share with her.
After four years, we have a lot of catching up to do -- but there's world enough and time. He's to the future -- I look forward to it every bit as much as you do, Kaitlyn.
71. I've recently developed a habit I'm a little ashamed of: smoking sheesha (tobacco sweetened with molasses and fruit flavouring) a couple of times a week. I loathe cigarettes and am indifferent to weed, but sit me in front of a lit hookah full of this stuff and I won't get up until it's finished.
72. On a healthier note, I'm becoming an herbal tea fiend. Green tea with ginger is the shit.
73. I talk to myself a lot. Occaisionally I even answer myself.
74. I generally avoid situations that are likely to lead to fights and I've never beaten anyone up in my life, but I sometimes wish some punk would give me a good reason to -- just once, to see what it feels like.
75. Despite being known as someone who's "into politics", the whole macabre spectacle of it bores me to tears these days. It's like watching the human race collectively hit itself in the head with a hammer over and over again.
76. If I had to choose *only* one thing between either sex or cuddling, cuddling would win.
77. I have a touch of the contrarian vice: I enjoy arguing for weird, counterintuitive or just plain unpopular positions. This usually gets me shot by both sides on many issues, which I also kinda enjoy.
78. One of the weird contradictions in my personality is that I hate the idea of being pigeonholed or becoming a cliche, but I also try to be predictable in the sense that you always know what you're getting and where you stand with me.
79. My cultural and artistic education is woefully inadequate.
80. I worry a lot lately that I've passed my intellectual prime -- I seem to have very little interesting to say these days and have been finding it difficult to concentrate on anything. On the other hand this could just be my poor sleep habits biting me in the ass.
81. I tend to get lost in fantasy a lot -- not just personal, but utopian. Immortality, complete freedom of movement, the virtual elimination of scarcity -- the scary thing is that not only do I think these things are all possible, but that I might even get to see them.
82. The "Reckless Rex" nick comes from a short story by Matthew Good and was chosen with deliberate irony -- I'm one of the most cautious and risk averse people I know. (Ditto to my previous SN, "Little Andy Danger".)
83. Autumn is my least favourite season -- it reminds me of decay and decline, and the greyness of it all has a very melancholic effect on me.
84. I have a weakness for swaggering antiheroes of the Jack Sparrow/Doc Holliday sort.
85. I love going out in strong winds or thunderstorms (when it's warm, anyway) -- something about being out in extreme weather is exhilarating.
86. I tend to play with pens a lot when they're in my hand, put them behind my ear often, and clamp them lightly between my teeth when I'm thinking or doing something.
87. I have a high tolerence for disorderly mess, but a low tolerence for grimy (think "biohazard") mess. This leads to some amusing games of chore chicken between my dad and I: he usually gets fed up with dishes in the sink before I do, but I get fed up with the bathroom getting nasty before he does.
88. I like broccoli in or on things like an omlette or a pizza, but can't stand to eat it by itself.
89. I used to squish spiders mercilessly, but now I've taken to capturing them and throwing them outside. I have no such compunctions about murdering mosquitoes or anything else that penetrates my skin. Also roaches.
90. I think unrestrained egoism and uncritical altruism are about equally evil, but the best of all worlds is one where self-interest and benevolence coincide.
91. One of the greatest ironies I've grappled with is that an unrealistic view of one's own efficiacy seems necessary to accomplish anything significant. On the one hand I feel good about being more aware of my own fallibility and the power of sheer randomness than most people are, yet sometimes I wish I could forget it so that I'd have more confidence and second-guess myself less.
92. I was forcibly evicted from the womb by C-section two weeks behind schedule. This set the tone for a lifetime of procrastination and sloth.
93. I've been getting increasingly wanderlusty. Rome, Peru, Thailand, Uzbekistan -- I'm about as pro-globalization as they come and consider myself a "world citizen" yet I've seen relatively little of it. That needs to change.
94. Even as I settle into an educational path I'm comfortable with, I'm still in a perpetual state of indecision about what I want to do with my life. This doesn't really bother me, and in fact I've come to realize that it's actually healthier than knowing exactly what you want to do -- because any life you can plot out in advance is probably not interesting enough to be worthwhile.
95. Over the past several months I've met a few really cool people and gotten to really know a few that I'd "known" for years. For all the bitching I've done about my lack of intellectual productivity, this is more fulfilling.
96. I pride myself on keeping my promises -- I don't make them lightly and the number I've broken in my life can be counted on one hand (maybe with a digit or two to spare).
97. I've never had a girlfriend who lived within 200 miles of my home (though I've had at least a couple of opportunities). I'm not sure if this bothers me exactly, but it is wierd to think about.
98. I've done a few different kinds of hallucinogenic and dissasociative drugs, but find that the best "natural" highs are still better. Nothing I've done compares to the emotional rush of finding out someone you've long thought would be perfect for you feels the same way, opening the floodgates and letting out all that restrained tension. Can't say enough good things about it.
99. I've just booked a plane trip to Salt Lake City for Dec 27th to Jan 7th.
100. I don't believe in fate; fate is boring. I believe in chance. Which is why I'm blown away by the astoundingly improbable smile Eris has just thrown my way: my ideal partner requires a set of qualities that are relatively rare among the general population even individually, and astoundingly rare all together in the same person.
Intelligence is a must, but not enough by itself -- curiosity and a sense of wonder have to come with it. She has to be someone I can discuss pretty much anything with, moot any and all of my weird ideas and be both understood and criticized thoughtfully. Someone I can have a good argument with without having to feel the need to sand the edges off.
She has to be a delight to be around -- someone who can make me laugh a lot and hard, someone whose presence is enough to brighten up my mood, and someone I want to strive to please. Someone with a love of life, who can stop and appreciate the little beautiful things. Someone who sits comfortably on that edge between taking life seriously and taking it lightly. She's a clear-eyed realist who sees the good and the bad in their proper perspective.
She has to be talented, to be able to do something I can't do, to imbue some sense of awe in me. She has to have things to teach me, and things I can teach her. She has to have good taste in the arts (i.e. taste similar to my own). She has to be someone I can have adventures with, both external and internal. She's creative, a little weird and a little wild. She's adorable and sexy, cuddly and raunchy. She's a good cook. She's smaller than me; just the right size so that when we hug, her head rests on my heart.
She has to be confident and strong; I have to be able to know that if I walked out on her tomorrow, she'd be okay -- because knowing this makes me want to stay with her, and she feels the same way toward me. Sometimes she can dominate and sometimes she'll let me dominate, but all the time she's my equal and she's in the elite club of people whose approval matters to me. She can motivate me to excel at everything I do and would stop liking me if I stopped trying to. She feels deeply and strongly but knows that how emotions are focused and directed is just as important as the depth of feeling itself. She's reason and passion in harmony. She's patient and honest. We fit eachother.
I've known a lot of people who've had some of these things, a few who've posessed most, and nearly none who've posessed all. And even more improbably, the one girl I've met who meets or exceeds all these standards also happens to feel the same way about me as I do about her and has been under my effing nose for ages. That is weird and fantastic beyond words. And to think we came close to never discovering this is enough to make me want to cry a bit just thinking about it.
I've always been bedevilled with nagging doubts and tensions; that's just the sort of person I am. But I don't get any of that with her -- even the cool, rational, nitpicky side of me can't really find much of anything to gainsay in this. I wasn't expecting any of this, and it's quite possibly the best surprise I've ever had. I don't believe in perfection either, but this is as close as it gets. I believe we've got quite a future ahead of us. I realize this is all pretty bold considering what a short time it's been since we really got close, but "our fundamentals are good" as they say in the finance world. I'm very optimistic, and have so much I want to share with her.
After four years, we have a lot of catching up to do -- but there's world enough and time. He's to the future -- I look forward to it every bit as much as you do, Kaitlyn.