Resentment
I've previously documented the asinine Odyssey of this thesis situation and I'm already at the point that I just resent this whole thing.
The problem is that I have to learn a whole entire field, with all its terminology and meaning. A field I don't care about. And not only do I have to come up with an idea, but it has to reinforce existing theories or tie into things OMG NEW. The teacher's expectations are high.
See, a thesis takes somewhere from 9 months to a year of hard work. The counterbalance to all this soul-numbing work is that you care about your topic. It's something you're passionate about.I am not. I have been forced to do this topic because, unable to find anyone else and the school has to let me do it otherwise I cannot graduate, she is forced to do it herself. And because she has to do it, I have to do a topic she is familiar with/cares about.
Thus I have the department's rejection by inaction on top of the whole process.
So any time I sit down to begin, any time I think about doing it, I am filled with such impotent rage and frustration. I resent my adviser. I resent the Department. I resent the work. I have the feeling this emotion is just going to Persist. If this continues, I think I might end up being rude to my adviser.
And I want to go to the Graduate School Dean. I want to sit down and tell her exactly how I feel. However, I don't think that's a good idea. The results will likely be negative. Either she says "Sucks to be you", she gets on the phone and has a Talk with the Psychology chair and my grad coordinator, they fix it - but they resent me for going over their heads about it, OR she gets on the phone and has a Talk... but no beneficial resolution can be found, so they resent me And the problem continues.
I know that in the end I'm going to have to suck up doing something I hate for 9-12 months, just for the delayed gratification of getting the hell out of here. Because I have no choice. And I hate that.
The problem is that I have to learn a whole entire field, with all its terminology and meaning. A field I don't care about. And not only do I have to come up with an idea, but it has to reinforce existing theories or tie into things OMG NEW. The teacher's expectations are high.
See, a thesis takes somewhere from 9 months to a year of hard work. The counterbalance to all this soul-numbing work is that you care about your topic. It's something you're passionate about.I am not. I have been forced to do this topic because, unable to find anyone else and the school has to let me do it otherwise I cannot graduate, she is forced to do it herself. And because she has to do it, I have to do a topic she is familiar with/cares about.
Thus I have the department's rejection by inaction on top of the whole process.
So any time I sit down to begin, any time I think about doing it, I am filled with such impotent rage and frustration. I resent my adviser. I resent the Department. I resent the work. I have the feeling this emotion is just going to Persist. If this continues, I think I might end up being rude to my adviser.
And I want to go to the Graduate School Dean. I want to sit down and tell her exactly how I feel. However, I don't think that's a good idea. The results will likely be negative. Either she says "Sucks to be you", she gets on the phone and has a Talk with the Psychology chair and my grad coordinator, they fix it - but they resent me for going over their heads about it, OR she gets on the phone and has a Talk... but no beneficial resolution can be found, so they resent me And the problem continues.
I know that in the end I'm going to have to suck up doing something I hate for 9-12 months, just for the delayed gratification of getting the hell out of here. Because I have no choice. And I hate that.