When in your life did you feel the most alone?
The day had been declared an unscheduled holiday, an unexpected break from school and work for everyone. I felt happy - truly happy, I knew - as I went on my bike in search of Asher. We hadn't had a lot of time to play together since the Ceremony of Twelves, because both of us had been so busy with our training, on top of our usual schoolwork. I was looking forward to an entire day of no responsibilities or duties.
I went out to the playing field, and though I saw a lot of bikes laying on the ground, at first I couldn't see anyone. Then a little kid jumped out of the bushes, making shooting noises and pointing at another child dramatically. The other, an Eleven, fell to the ground, clutching her stomach in fake pain. Then I saw Asher, aiming an imaginary gun, making the same noises as he hid behind a tree.
I'd played the game a lot. A game of good guys and bad guys. It usually ended up with everyone falling to the ground, eyes closed, bodies twisted in odd positions. Before, when I had played, I had never known it was a game of war. For the first time in my life I could not join them. I was remembering. Remembering the real war I had seen. The boys, no older than myself, dying and calling out for water and their mothers. The screams and the pain in my own body. The smells that I had come to recognize as the smells of death.
As I watched my friends play, I suddenly had trouble breathing. I wanted to yell at them to stop, but my voice wouldn't work. Some of the kids noticed I had come, and they started aiming their imaginary weapons in my direction. The thing to do was cluch my chest and fall dramatically to the ground, but I couldn't. I just stood there, and slowly the game stopped. Asher and Fiona seemed irritated at me for ruining their game. I began to tell them why, that in the past there had been real wars, but I soon realized that there was no way for them to understand.
Fiona tried. Not to understand, because there was no way of her doing that, but to make me feel better. She offered to go ride along the river with me. I wanted to, I wanted so much to spend the day with her like we used to, but I couldn't. I knew I could no longer join in the games with my friends as innocently as I had before. And I knew that Fiona and Asher could never feel for me the love I felt for them, not without the memories. As I walked away from the playing field, I felt more alone than I have ever been in my life. And I knew I could do nothing to change that.
I went out to the playing field, and though I saw a lot of bikes laying on the ground, at first I couldn't see anyone. Then a little kid jumped out of the bushes, making shooting noises and pointing at another child dramatically. The other, an Eleven, fell to the ground, clutching her stomach in fake pain. Then I saw Asher, aiming an imaginary gun, making the same noises as he hid behind a tree.
I'd played the game a lot. A game of good guys and bad guys. It usually ended up with everyone falling to the ground, eyes closed, bodies twisted in odd positions. Before, when I had played, I had never known it was a game of war. For the first time in my life I could not join them. I was remembering. Remembering the real war I had seen. The boys, no older than myself, dying and calling out for water and their mothers. The screams and the pain in my own body. The smells that I had come to recognize as the smells of death.
As I watched my friends play, I suddenly had trouble breathing. I wanted to yell at them to stop, but my voice wouldn't work. Some of the kids noticed I had come, and they started aiming their imaginary weapons in my direction. The thing to do was cluch my chest and fall dramatically to the ground, but I couldn't. I just stood there, and slowly the game stopped. Asher and Fiona seemed irritated at me for ruining their game. I began to tell them why, that in the past there had been real wars, but I soon realized that there was no way for them to understand.
Fiona tried. Not to understand, because there was no way of her doing that, but to make me feel better. She offered to go ride along the river with me. I wanted to, I wanted so much to spend the day with her like we used to, but I couldn't. I knew I could no longer join in the games with my friends as innocently as I had before. And I knew that Fiona and Asher could never feel for me the love I felt for them, not without the memories. As I walked away from the playing field, I felt more alone than I have ever been in my life. And I knew I could do nothing to change that.