[notes] if little by little: commentary
author commentary for my beast minibang! fic found here
So, I’m going to do this scene-by-scene. I guess. But I'll start from the very beginning~
Anyway, I actually had another idea in my mind when I first received the e-mail from the mods. My genre was romance, and I thought Well, this is going to be easy. All I have to do is write 5k, and I’ll be good. Little did I know that the word count was not going to be the hard part, but actually working with the genre.
Every early idea I had was either a.) too comedic or b.) too dramatic. Romance was taking a backseat to all these other genres, and I contemplated numerous times of whether I should drop out or not. Alas, I was taking a walk (because i am body-conscious, because i like being out early morning, because sometimes being locked up inside makes it harder to breathe, because i needed thinking space after pulling an all-nighter) and suddenly I decided what it was I was going to write. Kiseung future-fic!
So, I told my confidant (mammothcock) over twitter my basic idea for said fic. Kikwang and Hyunseung were going to attempt to rekindle their romance by going on a road trip! Because I love road trips and cars and Kiseung and well, anything was better than nothing. I was going to implement their twitters and include the band and all their dynamics! :( here's one of the conversations that was going to happen:
B2stGK hyunseungie and i are showering together!!! kekeke
Joker891219 why wasn't i invited?
Buuuuut mammothcock said "but what about the fans? ;____; as much as i'd like to see that twitter conversation happen, there's still got to be a realistic aspect to the whole fic :( I FEEL LIKE A TERRIBLE PERSON NOW WHY AM I ALWAYS SPOILING MY FUN CRIES!" (exact words; omg, why did I bookmark all of this? lol)
So, then I was like, "BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!!!" because I'm such a quitter and have no backbone and she had a point. I moped for a bit because I was drawing such a blank.
The ideas scrapped: beast twitter fic, beast college fic (lol this involves tickle fights and derpy!hyunseung and ecofriendly!doojoon and a mess of things, honestly! i'll do this one eventually), beast roadtrip fic.
Finally, I settled on the fic as it is now! I wanted Kikwang and Hyunseung in present day Korea, maybe a bit older, and dealing with society and negativity as well as trying to stay in love and be happy. AND ADOPTION SUBPLOT! because fandom usually thinks children can only happen in slash when there's spontaneous male pregnancy.
Then, there was the whole bit about whether or not to make it au. And I decided, whatever it'll be fine in the end. And it was, but not before there were a lot of headaches.
1st Scene
Okay, so the fic opens up with Kikwang shopping and Hyunseung calling him up. I really liked this scene because it was simple. There was domesticity and it basically laid the groundwork for how KiSeung would be in the story. Not much happens but maybe that's why I enjoyed writing it so much? It gives off the vibe of a normal couple who have finally unpacked everything and are sure this is the person they want to be with forever.
While this wasn't the first scene I had in mind, it did come naturally when I finally sat down to write out the first draft. I've never been good at openings, but this actually flowed well together in my head.
Anyway, again not much but I think it worked as an opener.
2nd scene
Nothing substantial occurs during this scene either, but it does touch on the fact that they have enough room to spare. Whether or not Hyunseung had been thinking of adoption at this time isn't clear, and Kikwang ignores this in favor of wanting to use Hyunseung as his human-sized/shaped pillow. They touch and go all domestic-y-and-in-love-with-each-other (even if Hyunseung pulls sour faces and could care less about Kikwang's advances).
Then the key element in the fic is said. Kikwang says, "I'm happy. You know that, right?" I had been going with the flow at this time of writing, and I felt this tug that I needed to put this line in. It felt weird at first, but I knew I couldn't delete it.
It's not my favorite scene, but I do like how it turned out in the end :) It does make me hungry though... Anyway!
3rd scene
This scene basically delves more into Kikwang's thoughts. It focuses on how he has to pretend to be interested in women, refer to Hyunseung as a roommate only, and how Hyunseung never says anything about the nightly parties and how Kikwang follows along with everything his co-workers do. Even despite this, though, Kikwang still tries his best to make it up to Hyunseung. He's trying and this is enough for him--or so he thinks.
It also touches on the fantasies/dreams Kikwang has where they can be open with their relationship without the hate/disgust. I believe that everyone has those moments where they picture how their life can be better--maybe with a new haircut, with more money, with kids, etc. Kikwang, despite all the wishes in the world that could be granted, still wants Hyunseung with him but without the hate and judgement. I think that really means something for the entire fic itself. Kikwang is willing for anything to be with Hyunseung and not have to hide.
Again, not a favorite scene and--as mammothcock had said to me--too much telling and not enough showing. I couldn't change it no matter how much I wanted to. So I took this as a sign that this scene could only work like this.
4th scene
This scene is the first where it actually delves into Kikwang's insecurities with his aging and also is the first scene where KiSeung have ~deep~ conversations in bed (as mammothcock says). They obviously trust and love each other; they are able to pick at each other; they are able to hurt. It's all here.
I have strange views on love. You'll hear about this much later, after I finish another fic. But I do believe it shows. Cliff notes version: I don't believe love has to exist in grand gestures and "I love you"s. It just exists, and I wanted to show that here and throughout the rest of the fic. I hope I accomplished that more than anything else.
5th scene
More KiSeung teasing and a personal favorite scene. Not much to say about this particular part other than this:
“I’m trying to make conversation, and you’re not helping,” Hyunseung says as they walk slowly. Hyunseung’s steps are more fluid, purposeful; long, easy strides that shame Kikwang’s heavy footfalls and lack of grace. But they keep to the same foot, so they match in some sense of the word, and they never outpace one another. “Being the strong, silent type was my role, you know.”
“Really?” Kikwang cants his head to the side, just a brush away from Hyunseung’s shoulder. “I thought your job in the relationship was to stare at people until they were uncomfortable and forced to look at someone else?”
Hyunseung makes it a point to glance over at Kikwang, unblinking, and Kikwang bites his bottom lip to keep from smiling. “That too.”
“They’re going to think we lost our way.”
“Or had better things to do.” Kikwang pinches him for that comment. “It’s the weekend. Normal people don’t mope about their house all day.”
“You do it all the time.” Kikwang is pinched in return for saying this, but it’s only half-hearted. Kikwang laughs as they approach the stairwell. They’re already late for the dinner date anyway.
Hyunseung scoffs, loosens his grip on Kikwang’s hand, and takes the first step up. “I do not mope. I brood. You think it’s sexy.”
Some of my favorite dialogue in the entire fic is in this scene. It came so naturally, and I believe this is where Kikwang and Hyunseung are most like they are (in real life) and how they probably were when they were younger (in this fic).
6th scene
Anyway, here was where I was stuck for a while actually. I had no clue how to tie in the adoption as neither Hyunseung nor Kikwang had made any mention of being remotely interested. I asked my confidant again, and she basically told me to make them meet a recently moved in family. Maybe they'd have a child? Maybe they'd figure out the status of KiSeung's relationship? Would there be disgust? Much needed acceptance? These were the questions I had to answer myself.
I had been leaning more toward Doojoon as the neighbor for a while. But, him being my bias, I could not make him the disgusted neighbor. He's too warm and friendly to be filled with hate.
*Also, note: I don't know if his wife is Secret's Jieun or IU or anyone else with the same name, lol.
This scene provides KiSeung with a better backstory: where and how they met. It also allows Kikwang his first glimpse of a real family, holding Doojoon's daughter and being there with Hyunseung. This is probably the first time Kikwang--maybe without meaning to--questions his happiness and relationship with Hyunseung. And, not only that, Kikwang and Hyunseung learn what acceptance in a stranger is like. Quite possibly the most touching scene, and I don't think I executed it as well as I could've.
7th scene
Um, this scene actually came from me tweeting a piece of dialogue found here:
“I want one,” is all he says, and Kikwang turns slowly to see what he’s referring to. But Hyunseung’s more of the cryptic sort, so Kikwang knows he probably won’t ever guess correctly.
He tries anyway, coming to stand at his side. “A bassinette? I don’t think you’ll fit.” He holds his hands out in front of him, outlining the shape between their bodies, before looking back at Hyunseung.
Except shortened, lol, since not all of this would've fit in 140characters.
Since this fic is written more closely to Kikwang's POV, it's hard to figure out what Hyunseung is ever feeling, so I had to let his actions and dialogue do the revealing. Kikwang--like you, the reader--is not a mind reader, and I'm not sure he wants to get inside Hyunseung's head, lol. So his admittance of wanting a child is a huge step and clue-in for Kikwang. His dreams don't have to stay dreams; they can try to achieve this together.
Also, just as a marker, this is where I stopped writing to send in my first copy. At the time I had no title, summary, or any thoughts on how long this fic would really be. I was reading poetry because that's usually where I draw my inspiration from in concerns to titles, when I came across one by Pablo Neruda. Little By Little just seemed to stick. mammothcock said the fic would definitely extend to 10k if I kept going at the rate I was. And I stuck in some generic summary because I couldn't think of any one way to summarize exactly what was happening or going to happen.
8th scene
This scene is a major point in their relationship and how they react to the world around them. Kikwang is very aware that their relationship isn't accepted while Hyunseung doesn't allow it to get to him. I rather liked this part because I think it's one of my best attempts at getting emotion across.
Kikwang is clearly upset, even Hyunseung can see this, but he goes about like he always does. The part where Kikwang is asking for his tie, how he wants Hyunseung to drop the conversation and how much he wants to forget the mail, has to be one of my favorite pieces in the whole fic. Also Hyunseung's "Why do I live with you again?" because he's trying to lighten the mood despite how much he wants to tie Kikwang to a chair and talk things over.
9th scene
Kikwang receives a phone call from both Hyunseung and his mother. The first conversation is awkward with the tension from their conversation that morning. Hyunseung tells Kikwang that the Jangs will be visiting, and he casually mentions the fact that Kikwang should invite his own family over. This makes Kikwang uncomfortable, which is revealed further in the scene.
After hanging up, Kikwang decides to call his parents after stalling for a bit. This is the first clue that Kikwang's family could care less for Kikwang's current relationship and only think of Hyunseung as a nuisance. Kikwang's mother tries to set Kikwang up on a blind date, and it's probably one of the largest signs that hey, your family really doesn't believe--or at least doesn't want to believe--you're gay!. When these hints do not seem to work, and Kikwang actually invites his parents over for dinner the excuses come to play.
I think family is one of the worst things to ever come between anything. They raised you, they know you, they have always been a part of you. I was thinking that, prior to Hyunseung, Kikwang was probably the filial son. The news that he was gay was probably shocking to them, something they could not accept or refused to acknowledge. Parents are your own worst enemy at times because they have the ability to manipulate you into doubt.
10th scene
Um, not much to say on this scene. I scrapped it numerous times because 1.) it was somewhat important because it introduced Hyunseung's family and 2.) Kikwang was still dealing with the neglect his own family showed. Hyunseung asked previously if they could walk home together, and I imagined that Kikwang would ignore this after the phone call with his mother because he didn't want anything to do with anyone atm. He wanted to be alone, but after seeing Hyunseung waiting outside their apartment, I feel, a few walls came down. He was probably feeling... drained.
I decided not to focus too much on Hyunseung's family for various reasons, but mostly because it would just be boring and the scene was going to be longer anyway. It needed to be about them I decided. I find that this is the first scene where Hyunseung is actually annoyed with how Kikwang's been behaving lately. It doesn't show too much, but just in his movements and the way he says things. He couldn't be carefree the entire fic, but he still had to retain the qualities that distinctly made him, well, him.
This was also my fail attempt at something sensual! It wasn't about the sex here, honestly, it was more about them needing each other and wanting to know they were in this together. Even if it wasn't said, it was implied. Regardless of what you might think, I did enjoy writing the final part.
11th scene
KiSeung having conversations in bed makes another appearance here! And I realized how naturally I was able to type "I love you" in this scene. At first, I was like, "Omg, it's been 7k and KiSeung are just now saying I love you to one another. This is romance! They should've said it at least five hundred times by now (exaggeration!!!)" And I mentioned this to one of my rl friends.
But she dismissed this, saying, "I don't think it honestly matters. If we know they're in love then there's no need to mention this." I took this into consideration. The entire time I'd typed, I was trying to make people believe that KiSeung were actually in love with one another by actions, dialogue, emotions. 7k in was enough for me to actually believe that, so I hope everyone reading did too.
I also think another reason why Kikwang needed to say this here was for Hyunseung's confirmation he felt the same. By this point in the story, Kikwang's dealt with a lot. Messages from neighbors and his own family's dismissal of him/his relationship. He needed to know this was for keeps, Hyunseung was going to be there when he woke up, this wasn't all for nothing in the end.
12th scene
This scene was actually added after I finally decided on a direction to take this fic, lol. More of an afterthought, tbqh. I couldn't just have them waltz up to someone and be like, "Hey, I'm here to fill out paperwork. We're going to adopt!" because 1.) that seems a bit unrealistic, 2.) neither Hyunseung nor Kikwang have vocalized any solid thoughts on starting a family, just mentioned it, and 3.) I wanted to build more on their relationship with each other and how comfortable they are together.
13th scene
I had this scene in mind since the actual start of this fic. I knew they'd face difficulties in their relationship, especially when considering children, and I knew that adoption was just another obstacle they'd face. Actually, at the time of planning, I knew that same-sex couples were not allowed to adopt in Korea, but I did not know that you couldn't be single. *where i live, you can be single but you have to have a steady job and be able to support a family
This scene wasn't very hard to write. Hyunseung and Kikwang react to the world around them differently as witnessed earlier, but this is even more extreme. While Kikwang tends to internalize these problems and blame himself, Hyunseung is very... showing of his anger/problems/upsets even if he does not say what he feels outright.
14th scene
They're not talking, and while this might not seem monumentous I've read that marriages/relationships need to have some type of understanding of each other. Not only trust in one another, but the ability to talk through problems. Sure you can't share everything, but adopting a child is probably something you'd want to discuss. They're both to wrapped up in their own thoughts by this point, though. Neither of them are vocalizing any of their feelings, and this is where Kikwang starts to lose faith in, quite frankly, them. :(
15th scene
Kikwang's faith and spirit are still a bit bruised in this scene as well. You can see it in the way he moves away from Hyunseung, distancing them--maybe not intentionally, but he's using this as some sort of defense mechanism. I find he's just afraid more than anything, not angry at Hyunseung. I don't think he has it in him to be mad at Hyunseung, maybe upset that they're not speaking.
This is also a bit selfish in Kikwang's case, though. Remember, he didn't want to talk to Hyunseung about the mail they receive regularly, but he wants Hyunseung to speak to him about what had happened earlier. Human nature tends to do this to us, I believe. We want to internalize our own personal struggles, but we want to pick apart everyone else to see how they feel/think/etc.
Moving on then!
16th scene
By this point, Hyunseung is obviously more than angry with their society and Kikwang wants to give up. I find that this whole adoption business really takes a toll on Kikwang to the point where he's just about given up on everything: family, future, children, even Hyunseung. The following scenes and this were all very intense moments/sections for me to sit down and write out.
But see how determined Hyunseung is! After the refusal of the other agency and the dismissal of his career, he sits down and tries to better himself. But, still, to no avail. It's just another hit Kikwang doesn't want to take.
17th, 18th, 19th scenes
These are the days leading up to Kikwang shutting down emotionally/physically/mentally. The day of the week style worked really well here! I was kind of surprised at first.
I have nothing much to say about those scenes except I liked them a lot! :) It's just an interlude to Kikwang and Hyunseung's "fight"
20th scene
I actually knew there was going to be a breaking point somewhere--a climax if you will. And I knew it'd be more of a "fight" between Hyunseung and Kikwang. It was originally going to be a huge argument, but I find some of the most hard-hitting scenes in movies are the parts where there's very little.
While Hyunseung's pride and determination swell with each denial, Kikwang's hope and faith dwindles even more. Kikwang, at this time, finds that it's no use. Hyunseung still works part-time and Kikwang is now jobless. He feels like there is no point anymore, and he knows the next hit will definitely be the last. He doesn't want to lose Hyunseung to this, and he's afraid he will to the point where he's the one driving Hyunseung away.
Also, the article Kikwang mentions "gay adoption is child abuse" was an actual article I read online. You'd be surprised--or maybe not so--with how many people agree to something like that. Gives me the same feelings that I'm sure Kikwang faced.
21st scene
This was the first scene I ever thought out fully and probably my favorite (along with everyone else's). If I ever in my fanfiction-writing career had to pick out what is my most intense scene, this one would have to be it.
A parents disclaim of a child is very scary, and it happens everyday. I just. I can't even. It's too much, honestly. The fact that Kikwang is going through all of this and losing everything he loves, and his parents still refuse to help him or encourage him or actually be parents. They deny ever knowing him, and I just imagined Kikwang sitting outside their home in the pouring rain and no one even caring.
*Kikwang waiting in the rain was an actual scene that was scrapped completely. I couldn't do that to him after everything else.
22nd scene
This was actually a crucial part in the whole story and I think I kind of blew it by rushing. It was the date of the deadline, I had 7hours before the fic was due, and I was stuck at 9k. I was still trying to work in another detail that was supposed to be a pivotal part of the entire story, but I couldn't figure out where to add it.
So if it seems rushed, I'm sorry. I probably hate this scene more than anything else.
Except I did kind of like the thought of Hyunseung moping and playing sad loves songs...
Anyway, they don't make up and move back in and start off where they left off. Hyunseung actually stays with his family for the week following Kikwang's admission of being an idiot, and Kikwang slowly tries to rebuild his faith/hope/etc enough to let Hyunseung back in. Trust and love are very fickle things, I find. Hyunseung walked out on Kikwang, maybe for all the right reasons, but Kikwang isn't going to forget that within an hour. Neither will Hyunseung who was dismissed by the one person he cared most about. They needed time; I gave them time.
23rd scene
The "poor man's meal" reference actually comes from a movie I really liked. I actually watched it over the course of writing this fic :| see how unoriginal I am. But that's the only similarity the two things have, lol. I also made fun of Yoseob because a friend of mine happens to love him to pieces. I just like to tease people :)
I think my writing style sort of changed around the ending scenes as well, so it might be a little jolting. I actually really liked typing this part because all the bad was over and KiSeung were speaking--really speaking--to one another again. It's like the spring after winter; sun after rain; being home after a war; like being with the person you love most. /soppy romantic at heart.
24th scene
Things start looking better for them both :) I had to give them something.
25th scene
This is the second scene where they say "I love you" to one another, and this time I think it's more fully meant. And how Hyunseung is so lazy and gripy about Kikwang's confession because they only ever want to talk to each other when it's too early in the morning to function normally. Have I said that I love KiSeung dynamics? lol.
26th scene
This wraps up the story, and as an ending, I think it works really really well. I struggled with closure for a while there, waiting for the deadline to slip from seven hours to six. I actually was going to end it with the scene above, but I thought that didn't settle the story at all. I actually swapped them around in the end and added in the "I'm happy" line. It brings the story into full-circle.
I think that when Kikwang said he was happy earlier in the fic, he was just content with himself. But having the possibilities with a family and acceptance, I think Kikwang honestly started craving more so his happiness with Hyunseung alone slipped into I want more more more. Not until the end, after losing everything and getting Hyunseung back, did he realize that Hyunseung was all he wanted in the end.
Closing Notes
Geurim was going to carry their child for them. Kikwang was going to donate sperm to her egg, and when the baby was born it'd look like Kikwang and Hyunseung. I scrapped this idea at the very last day after telling my sister about it during the beginning stages of writing. I was up till midnight the night before the fic was due pulling at my hair because it'd take another 10k just trying to work that in. The fic needed closure, but I couldn't understand what my fic was all about up until then.
I closed the document and went to talk to her about it. I remember saying, "Geurim is not going to do this. It's not going to work. KiSeung are going to settle back into their lives. The fic is going to end like that. No guarantees of a better life, children, accepting neighbors. Nothing." I was upset; I thought no one would like the fic because nothing was better in the end for them. I honest to god was not going to submit my fic because I had no ending and I figured it was a waste of time. No one wanted to read something without a purpose or a direction.
I remember my rl friend telling me after I told her about this. She said, "You need to finish writing this. You'll hate yourself later for it. Continue on with the Geurim subplot. If you don't, KiSeung will be content. That's worse than anything else."
I actually considered going ahead with it. If I ruined the fic, I ruined the fic. I decided I was going to hate myself regardless no matter what I did. Then I reread everything, and keyed in on the scene where Kikwang first admits he's happy. I was like, "THAT IS IT OMG THAT IS IT!"
I realized Kikwang hadn't actually been happy to begin with. He told himself he was. He talked himself into believing that; believing he could go to work and things would be ok as long as he showed up to a few parties and looked at a few women; believing that his parents would one day accept him and Hyunseung; believing that homosexuality was wrong and gay adoption was child abuse. Hyunseung leaving him, boss firing him, parents neglecting him, and Doojoon talking to him made him realize what he should have known all along.
I do believe at the very end of the fic, Kikwang is for once being completely honest with Hyunseung. The new summary went into place perfectly as if it was right all along. It was about Kikwang finding his own happiness--he had been looking for it through various means, but when it came down to it, he had it all along! ♥
Thanks to everyone who read the fic and these long-winded notes. for mammothcock who's been waiting to read these notes for a while now. Sorry if I bored you ;o; Spread the Kikwang/Hyunseung love. Those dorks need it :3 ♥
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE FIC OR WRITING PROCESS, JUST ASK! ♥
also a special shout out to the some of you on my twitlist! compatable, nautisch, onew, pause, starlitbright: you guys were probably super close to filtering my tweets during those two long months. but just having you there was enough. thank you from the bottom of my heart. ♥
So, I’m going to do this scene-by-scene. I guess. But I'll start from the very beginning~
Anyway, I actually had another idea in my mind when I first received the e-mail from the mods. My genre was romance, and I thought Well, this is going to be easy. All I have to do is write 5k, and I’ll be good. Little did I know that the word count was not going to be the hard part, but actually working with the genre.
Every early idea I had was either a.) too comedic or b.) too dramatic. Romance was taking a backseat to all these other genres, and I contemplated numerous times of whether I should drop out or not. Alas, I was taking a walk (because i am body-conscious, because i like being out early morning, because sometimes being locked up inside makes it harder to breathe, because i needed thinking space after pulling an all-nighter) and suddenly I decided what it was I was going to write. Kiseung future-fic!
So, I told my confidant (mammothcock) over twitter my basic idea for said fic. Kikwang and Hyunseung were going to attempt to rekindle their romance by going on a road trip! Because I love road trips and cars and Kiseung and well, anything was better than nothing. I was going to implement their twitters and include the band and all their dynamics! :( here's one of the conversations that was going to happen:
B2stGK hyunseungie and i are showering together!!! kekeke
Joker891219 why wasn't i invited?
Buuuuut mammothcock said "but what about the fans? ;____; as much as i'd like to see that twitter conversation happen, there's still got to be a realistic aspect to the whole fic :( I FEEL LIKE A TERRIBLE PERSON NOW WHY AM I ALWAYS SPOILING MY FUN CRIES!" (exact words; omg, why did I bookmark all of this? lol)
So, then I was like, "BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!!!" because I'm such a quitter and have no backbone and she had a point. I moped for a bit because I was drawing such a blank.
The ideas scrapped: beast twitter fic, beast college fic (lol this involves tickle fights and derpy!hyunseung and ecofriendly!doojoon and a mess of things, honestly! i'll do this one eventually), beast roadtrip fic.
Finally, I settled on the fic as it is now! I wanted Kikwang and Hyunseung in present day Korea, maybe a bit older, and dealing with society and negativity as well as trying to stay in love and be happy. AND ADOPTION SUBPLOT! because fandom usually thinks children can only happen in slash when there's spontaneous male pregnancy.
Then, there was the whole bit about whether or not to make it au. And I decided, whatever it'll be fine in the end. And it was, but not before there were a lot of headaches.
1st Scene
Okay, so the fic opens up with Kikwang shopping and Hyunseung calling him up. I really liked this scene because it was simple. There was domesticity and it basically laid the groundwork for how KiSeung would be in the story. Not much happens but maybe that's why I enjoyed writing it so much? It gives off the vibe of a normal couple who have finally unpacked everything and are sure this is the person they want to be with forever.
While this wasn't the first scene I had in mind, it did come naturally when I finally sat down to write out the first draft. I've never been good at openings, but this actually flowed well together in my head.
Anyway, again not much but I think it worked as an opener.
2nd scene
Nothing substantial occurs during this scene either, but it does touch on the fact that they have enough room to spare. Whether or not Hyunseung had been thinking of adoption at this time isn't clear, and Kikwang ignores this in favor of wanting to use Hyunseung as his human-sized/shaped pillow. They touch and go all domestic-y-and-in-love-with-each-other (even if Hyunseung pulls sour faces and could care less about Kikwang's advances).
Then the key element in the fic is said. Kikwang says, "I'm happy. You know that, right?" I had been going with the flow at this time of writing, and I felt this tug that I needed to put this line in. It felt weird at first, but I knew I couldn't delete it.
It's not my favorite scene, but I do like how it turned out in the end :) It does make me hungry though... Anyway!
3rd scene
This scene basically delves more into Kikwang's thoughts. It focuses on how he has to pretend to be interested in women, refer to Hyunseung as a roommate only, and how Hyunseung never says anything about the nightly parties and how Kikwang follows along with everything his co-workers do. Even despite this, though, Kikwang still tries his best to make it up to Hyunseung. He's trying and this is enough for him--or so he thinks.
It also touches on the fantasies/dreams Kikwang has where they can be open with their relationship without the hate/disgust. I believe that everyone has those moments where they picture how their life can be better--maybe with a new haircut, with more money, with kids, etc. Kikwang, despite all the wishes in the world that could be granted, still wants Hyunseung with him but without the hate and judgement. I think that really means something for the entire fic itself. Kikwang is willing for anything to be with Hyunseung and not have to hide.
Again, not a favorite scene and--as mammothcock had said to me--too much telling and not enough showing. I couldn't change it no matter how much I wanted to. So I took this as a sign that this scene could only work like this.
4th scene
This scene is the first where it actually delves into Kikwang's insecurities with his aging and also is the first scene where KiSeung have ~deep~ conversations in bed (as mammothcock says). They obviously trust and love each other; they are able to pick at each other; they are able to hurt. It's all here.
I have strange views on love. You'll hear about this much later, after I finish another fic. But I do believe it shows. Cliff notes version: I don't believe love has to exist in grand gestures and "I love you"s. It just exists, and I wanted to show that here and throughout the rest of the fic. I hope I accomplished that more than anything else.
5th scene
More KiSeung teasing and a personal favorite scene. Not much to say about this particular part other than this:
“I’m trying to make conversation, and you’re not helping,” Hyunseung says as they walk slowly. Hyunseung’s steps are more fluid, purposeful; long, easy strides that shame Kikwang’s heavy footfalls and lack of grace. But they keep to the same foot, so they match in some sense of the word, and they never outpace one another. “Being the strong, silent type was my role, you know.”
“Really?” Kikwang cants his head to the side, just a brush away from Hyunseung’s shoulder. “I thought your job in the relationship was to stare at people until they were uncomfortable and forced to look at someone else?”
Hyunseung makes it a point to glance over at Kikwang, unblinking, and Kikwang bites his bottom lip to keep from smiling. “That too.”
“They’re going to think we lost our way.”
“Or had better things to do.” Kikwang pinches him for that comment. “It’s the weekend. Normal people don’t mope about their house all day.”
“You do it all the time.” Kikwang is pinched in return for saying this, but it’s only half-hearted. Kikwang laughs as they approach the stairwell. They’re already late for the dinner date anyway.
Hyunseung scoffs, loosens his grip on Kikwang’s hand, and takes the first step up. “I do not mope. I brood. You think it’s sexy.”
Some of my favorite dialogue in the entire fic is in this scene. It came so naturally, and I believe this is where Kikwang and Hyunseung are most like they are (in real life) and how they probably were when they were younger (in this fic).
6th scene
Anyway, here was where I was stuck for a while actually. I had no clue how to tie in the adoption as neither Hyunseung nor Kikwang had made any mention of being remotely interested. I asked my confidant again, and she basically told me to make them meet a recently moved in family. Maybe they'd have a child? Maybe they'd figure out the status of KiSeung's relationship? Would there be disgust? Much needed acceptance? These were the questions I had to answer myself.
I had been leaning more toward Doojoon as the neighbor for a while. But, him being my bias, I could not make him the disgusted neighbor. He's too warm and friendly to be filled with hate.
*Also, note: I don't know if his wife is Secret's Jieun or IU or anyone else with the same name, lol.
This scene provides KiSeung with a better backstory: where and how they met. It also allows Kikwang his first glimpse of a real family, holding Doojoon's daughter and being there with Hyunseung. This is probably the first time Kikwang--maybe without meaning to--questions his happiness and relationship with Hyunseung. And, not only that, Kikwang and Hyunseung learn what acceptance in a stranger is like. Quite possibly the most touching scene, and I don't think I executed it as well as I could've.
7th scene
Um, this scene actually came from me tweeting a piece of dialogue found here:
“I want one,” is all he says, and Kikwang turns slowly to see what he’s referring to. But Hyunseung’s more of the cryptic sort, so Kikwang knows he probably won’t ever guess correctly.
He tries anyway, coming to stand at his side. “A bassinette? I don’t think you’ll fit.” He holds his hands out in front of him, outlining the shape between their bodies, before looking back at Hyunseung.
Except shortened, lol, since not all of this would've fit in 140characters.
Since this fic is written more closely to Kikwang's POV, it's hard to figure out what Hyunseung is ever feeling, so I had to let his actions and dialogue do the revealing. Kikwang--like you, the reader--is not a mind reader, and I'm not sure he wants to get inside Hyunseung's head, lol. So his admittance of wanting a child is a huge step and clue-in for Kikwang. His dreams don't have to stay dreams; they can try to achieve this together.
Also, just as a marker, this is where I stopped writing to send in my first copy. At the time I had no title, summary, or any thoughts on how long this fic would really be. I was reading poetry because that's usually where I draw my inspiration from in concerns to titles, when I came across one by Pablo Neruda. Little By Little just seemed to stick. mammothcock said the fic would definitely extend to 10k if I kept going at the rate I was. And I stuck in some generic summary because I couldn't think of any one way to summarize exactly what was happening or going to happen.
8th scene
This scene is a major point in their relationship and how they react to the world around them. Kikwang is very aware that their relationship isn't accepted while Hyunseung doesn't allow it to get to him. I rather liked this part because I think it's one of my best attempts at getting emotion across.
Kikwang is clearly upset, even Hyunseung can see this, but he goes about like he always does. The part where Kikwang is asking for his tie, how he wants Hyunseung to drop the conversation and how much he wants to forget the mail, has to be one of my favorite pieces in the whole fic. Also Hyunseung's "Why do I live with you again?" because he's trying to lighten the mood despite how much he wants to tie Kikwang to a chair and talk things over.
9th scene
Kikwang receives a phone call from both Hyunseung and his mother. The first conversation is awkward with the tension from their conversation that morning. Hyunseung tells Kikwang that the Jangs will be visiting, and he casually mentions the fact that Kikwang should invite his own family over. This makes Kikwang uncomfortable, which is revealed further in the scene.
After hanging up, Kikwang decides to call his parents after stalling for a bit. This is the first clue that Kikwang's family could care less for Kikwang's current relationship and only think of Hyunseung as a nuisance. Kikwang's mother tries to set Kikwang up on a blind date, and it's probably one of the largest signs that hey, your family really doesn't believe--or at least doesn't want to believe--you're gay!. When these hints do not seem to work, and Kikwang actually invites his parents over for dinner the excuses come to play.
I think family is one of the worst things to ever come between anything. They raised you, they know you, they have always been a part of you. I was thinking that, prior to Hyunseung, Kikwang was probably the filial son. The news that he was gay was probably shocking to them, something they could not accept or refused to acknowledge. Parents are your own worst enemy at times because they have the ability to manipulate you into doubt.
10th scene
Um, not much to say on this scene. I scrapped it numerous times because 1.) it was somewhat important because it introduced Hyunseung's family and 2.) Kikwang was still dealing with the neglect his own family showed. Hyunseung asked previously if they could walk home together, and I imagined that Kikwang would ignore this after the phone call with his mother because he didn't want anything to do with anyone atm. He wanted to be alone, but after seeing Hyunseung waiting outside their apartment, I feel, a few walls came down. He was probably feeling... drained.
I decided not to focus too much on Hyunseung's family for various reasons, but mostly because it would just be boring and the scene was going to be longer anyway. It needed to be about them I decided. I find that this is the first scene where Hyunseung is actually annoyed with how Kikwang's been behaving lately. It doesn't show too much, but just in his movements and the way he says things. He couldn't be carefree the entire fic, but he still had to retain the qualities that distinctly made him, well, him.
This was also my fail attempt at something sensual! It wasn't about the sex here, honestly, it was more about them needing each other and wanting to know they were in this together. Even if it wasn't said, it was implied. Regardless of what you might think, I did enjoy writing the final part.
11th scene
KiSeung having conversations in bed makes another appearance here! And I realized how naturally I was able to type "I love you" in this scene. At first, I was like, "Omg, it's been 7k and KiSeung are just now saying I love you to one another. This is romance! They should've said it at least five hundred times by now (exaggeration!!!)" And I mentioned this to one of my rl friends.
But she dismissed this, saying, "I don't think it honestly matters. If we know they're in love then there's no need to mention this." I took this into consideration. The entire time I'd typed, I was trying to make people believe that KiSeung were actually in love with one another by actions, dialogue, emotions. 7k in was enough for me to actually believe that, so I hope everyone reading did too.
I also think another reason why Kikwang needed to say this here was for Hyunseung's confirmation he felt the same. By this point in the story, Kikwang's dealt with a lot. Messages from neighbors and his own family's dismissal of him/his relationship. He needed to know this was for keeps, Hyunseung was going to be there when he woke up, this wasn't all for nothing in the end.
12th scene
This scene was actually added after I finally decided on a direction to take this fic, lol. More of an afterthought, tbqh. I couldn't just have them waltz up to someone and be like, "Hey, I'm here to fill out paperwork. We're going to adopt!" because 1.) that seems a bit unrealistic, 2.) neither Hyunseung nor Kikwang have vocalized any solid thoughts on starting a family, just mentioned it, and 3.) I wanted to build more on their relationship with each other and how comfortable they are together.
13th scene
I had this scene in mind since the actual start of this fic. I knew they'd face difficulties in their relationship, especially when considering children, and I knew that adoption was just another obstacle they'd face. Actually, at the time of planning, I knew that same-sex couples were not allowed to adopt in Korea, but I did not know that you couldn't be single. *where i live, you can be single but you have to have a steady job and be able to support a family
This scene wasn't very hard to write. Hyunseung and Kikwang react to the world around them differently as witnessed earlier, but this is even more extreme. While Kikwang tends to internalize these problems and blame himself, Hyunseung is very... showing of his anger/problems/upsets even if he does not say what he feels outright.
14th scene
They're not talking, and while this might not seem monumentous I've read that marriages/relationships need to have some type of understanding of each other. Not only trust in one another, but the ability to talk through problems. Sure you can't share everything, but adopting a child is probably something you'd want to discuss. They're both to wrapped up in their own thoughts by this point, though. Neither of them are vocalizing any of their feelings, and this is where Kikwang starts to lose faith in, quite frankly, them. :(
15th scene
Kikwang's faith and spirit are still a bit bruised in this scene as well. You can see it in the way he moves away from Hyunseung, distancing them--maybe not intentionally, but he's using this as some sort of defense mechanism. I find he's just afraid more than anything, not angry at Hyunseung. I don't think he has it in him to be mad at Hyunseung, maybe upset that they're not speaking.
This is also a bit selfish in Kikwang's case, though. Remember, he didn't want to talk to Hyunseung about the mail they receive regularly, but he wants Hyunseung to speak to him about what had happened earlier. Human nature tends to do this to us, I believe. We want to internalize our own personal struggles, but we want to pick apart everyone else to see how they feel/think/etc.
Moving on then!
16th scene
By this point, Hyunseung is obviously more than angry with their society and Kikwang wants to give up. I find that this whole adoption business really takes a toll on Kikwang to the point where he's just about given up on everything: family, future, children, even Hyunseung. The following scenes and this were all very intense moments/sections for me to sit down and write out.
But see how determined Hyunseung is! After the refusal of the other agency and the dismissal of his career, he sits down and tries to better himself. But, still, to no avail. It's just another hit Kikwang doesn't want to take.
17th, 18th, 19th scenes
These are the days leading up to Kikwang shutting down emotionally/physically/mentally. The day of the week style worked really well here! I was kind of surprised at first.
I have nothing much to say about those scenes except I liked them a lot! :) It's just an interlude to Kikwang and Hyunseung's "fight"
20th scene
I actually knew there was going to be a breaking point somewhere--a climax if you will. And I knew it'd be more of a "fight" between Hyunseung and Kikwang. It was originally going to be a huge argument, but I find some of the most hard-hitting scenes in movies are the parts where there's very little.
While Hyunseung's pride and determination swell with each denial, Kikwang's hope and faith dwindles even more. Kikwang, at this time, finds that it's no use. Hyunseung still works part-time and Kikwang is now jobless. He feels like there is no point anymore, and he knows the next hit will definitely be the last. He doesn't want to lose Hyunseung to this, and he's afraid he will to the point where he's the one driving Hyunseung away.
Also, the article Kikwang mentions "gay adoption is child abuse" was an actual article I read online. You'd be surprised--or maybe not so--with how many people agree to something like that. Gives me the same feelings that I'm sure Kikwang faced.
21st scene
This was the first scene I ever thought out fully and probably my favorite (along with everyone else's). If I ever in my fanfiction-writing career had to pick out what is my most intense scene, this one would have to be it.
A parents disclaim of a child is very scary, and it happens everyday. I just. I can't even. It's too much, honestly. The fact that Kikwang is going through all of this and losing everything he loves, and his parents still refuse to help him or encourage him or actually be parents. They deny ever knowing him, and I just imagined Kikwang sitting outside their home in the pouring rain and no one even caring.
*Kikwang waiting in the rain was an actual scene that was scrapped completely. I couldn't do that to him after everything else.
22nd scene
This was actually a crucial part in the whole story and I think I kind of blew it by rushing. It was the date of the deadline, I had 7hours before the fic was due, and I was stuck at 9k. I was still trying to work in another detail that was supposed to be a pivotal part of the entire story, but I couldn't figure out where to add it.
So if it seems rushed, I'm sorry. I probably hate this scene more than anything else.
Except I did kind of like the thought of Hyunseung moping and playing sad loves songs...
Anyway, they don't make up and move back in and start off where they left off. Hyunseung actually stays with his family for the week following Kikwang's admission of being an idiot, and Kikwang slowly tries to rebuild his faith/hope/etc enough to let Hyunseung back in. Trust and love are very fickle things, I find. Hyunseung walked out on Kikwang, maybe for all the right reasons, but Kikwang isn't going to forget that within an hour. Neither will Hyunseung who was dismissed by the one person he cared most about. They needed time; I gave them time.
23rd scene
The "poor man's meal" reference actually comes from a movie I really liked. I actually watched it over the course of writing this fic :| see how unoriginal I am. But that's the only similarity the two things have, lol. I also made fun of Yoseob because a friend of mine happens to love him to pieces. I just like to tease people :)
I think my writing style sort of changed around the ending scenes as well, so it might be a little jolting. I actually really liked typing this part because all the bad was over and KiSeung were speaking--really speaking--to one another again. It's like the spring after winter; sun after rain; being home after a war; like being with the person you love most. /soppy romantic at heart.
24th scene
Things start looking better for them both :) I had to give them something.
25th scene
This is the second scene where they say "I love you" to one another, and this time I think it's more fully meant. And how Hyunseung is so lazy and gripy about Kikwang's confession because they only ever want to talk to each other when it's too early in the morning to function normally. Have I said that I love KiSeung dynamics? lol.
26th scene
This wraps up the story, and as an ending, I think it works really really well. I struggled with closure for a while there, waiting for the deadline to slip from seven hours to six. I actually was going to end it with the scene above, but I thought that didn't settle the story at all. I actually swapped them around in the end and added in the "I'm happy" line. It brings the story into full-circle.
I think that when Kikwang said he was happy earlier in the fic, he was just content with himself. But having the possibilities with a family and acceptance, I think Kikwang honestly started craving more so his happiness with Hyunseung alone slipped into I want more more more. Not until the end, after losing everything and getting Hyunseung back, did he realize that Hyunseung was all he wanted in the end.
Closing Notes
Geurim was going to carry their child for them. Kikwang was going to donate sperm to her egg, and when the baby was born it'd look like Kikwang and Hyunseung. I scrapped this idea at the very last day after telling my sister about it during the beginning stages of writing. I was up till midnight the night before the fic was due pulling at my hair because it'd take another 10k just trying to work that in. The fic needed closure, but I couldn't understand what my fic was all about up until then.
I closed the document and went to talk to her about it. I remember saying, "Geurim is not going to do this. It's not going to work. KiSeung are going to settle back into their lives. The fic is going to end like that. No guarantees of a better life, children, accepting neighbors. Nothing." I was upset; I thought no one would like the fic because nothing was better in the end for them. I honest to god was not going to submit my fic because I had no ending and I figured it was a waste of time. No one wanted to read something without a purpose or a direction.
I remember my rl friend telling me after I told her about this. She said, "You need to finish writing this. You'll hate yourself later for it. Continue on with the Geurim subplot. If you don't, KiSeung will be content. That's worse than anything else."
I actually considered going ahead with it. If I ruined the fic, I ruined the fic. I decided I was going to hate myself regardless no matter what I did. Then I reread everything, and keyed in on the scene where Kikwang first admits he's happy. I was like, "THAT IS IT OMG THAT IS IT!"
I realized Kikwang hadn't actually been happy to begin with. He told himself he was. He talked himself into believing that; believing he could go to work and things would be ok as long as he showed up to a few parties and looked at a few women; believing that his parents would one day accept him and Hyunseung; believing that homosexuality was wrong and gay adoption was child abuse. Hyunseung leaving him, boss firing him, parents neglecting him, and Doojoon talking to him made him realize what he should have known all along.
I do believe at the very end of the fic, Kikwang is for once being completely honest with Hyunseung. The new summary went into place perfectly as if it was right all along. It was about Kikwang finding his own happiness--he had been looking for it through various means, but when it came down to it, he had it all along! ♥
Thanks to everyone who read the fic and these long-winded notes. for mammothcock who's been waiting to read these notes for a while now. Sorry if I bored you ;o; Spread the Kikwang/Hyunseung love. Those dorks need it :3 ♥
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE FIC OR WRITING PROCESS, JUST ASK! ♥
also a special shout out to the some of you on my twitlist! compatable, nautisch, onew, pause, starlitbright: you guys were probably super close to filtering my tweets during those two long months. but just having you there was enough. thank you from the bottom of my heart. ♥