Oh No...
Lord. Lordy lord lord lord lord lord. Where to begin? This is my lame excuse for an update, because I've been lame and haven't updated in a long time. So this is one of those posts where I go on and on, as well as the beginning of school post. Where to begin?
My classes are pretty cool, some are kinda challenging, others aren't. I mean so far at least. But the homework! I've had english homework EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT!!!! And I've been sick since last Thursday. I had to stay home on Monday and Tuesday, thankfully, I didn't get too far behind this week. God, and I had to play at the Puyallup fair on Sunday, sick as a dog. But Lisa and I went on the Ferris Wheel, which is scary but fun. But our asses got really wet, because it was pouring buckets. Went with my parents, and we all looked at the animals and inside the exhibition areas at all the booths. It was pretty cool. Except they dragged me into the horse stalls, and one of them, I swear to god, stamped his foot when I went by! I'm still sick too. I keep coughing, because I have like, a heavy feeling in my chest and throat. I coughed so hard this morning when I was getting ready for school that I almost threw up, and then my stomach hurt for a while and I had a nasty taste in my mouth. Grr, I don't feel good. I have a headache, and I don't know what I want to listen to. Everything has a heavy beat. God, I think I'm unraveling.
I'v been trying to prevent it, but I feel the emotional breakdown coming on, and it's only the beginning of school! I don't think it's just school, it's other things too. Like, I miss Jas and Shea, and I'm getting that low self esteem thing again, that no matter what anyone says or how often they slap me (LISA, JAS! xD) doesn't change. It's something I have to solve myself, and I just can't do that now. I mean, I'm not just bitching about it and not trying to fix it, I have tried, or at least I feel I've tried. And I'm not really giving up, it'll just take a while for me to sort out certain things, accept other things, leave things and feelings and people behind. Like Jeff. Jas and Lisa know what I'm talking about, and it's the whole lying thing. I can't stand being lied to. It's one thing if the person is lying to themself and therefore lies to me in turn, but deliberate blatant FUCKING LYING JUST PISSES ME OFF!! I don't know what to think anymore, and frankly, I haven't given a shit in a while. I feel bad, but honestly, what is a friendship, in my opinion? A relationship based on trust, love, honesty. Things I truly do not have for Jeff. He's a liar and a big mouth so I can't trust him and I wouldn't leave my life in his hands; I can't love him because frankly, half the time he annoys the shit out of me which leads me to hate him sometimes as well as when he's so wrong and so stupid, and won't admit it; and he's not honest with me, we don't truly say what we think and feel, because if I did, I'd tell him all this to his face. I dunno, I like him sometimes, he's cool in small doses, but he could never be to me what Lisa or Jas or Shea is, so why try? I can be acquantances, friends, but I can't trust him, or let him know things about me any more. I've had it. He's so spolied and a self-pityier, and just so fucking wrong, it's sickening!
So that's one of the things that has been on my chest/mind. And it's so pathetic, how I've let that get to me. The fact that I chose to trust someone and was wrong. I haven't been wrong about a situation like that in several years. I feel stupid, used, I hate feeling that way. Inferior, like, "Oh, Jeff outsmarted you" which is how I feel whenever I think about it. Jeff lied to me several times, I thought he was, but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him. And I was wrong. That is such a sucker punch to me. But I can tell you, writing all that out, even if people read it or they don't, has actually lessened my headache, which is probably due to stress, being sick, and no caffeine.
I've also been dealing with self-image too, and I don't even feel like opening that can of worms, so no problem yet. It'll just build up and up and up until finally I crack and become the worst kind of person I can be. I'm hanging by threads, trying not to be that person anymore. I've seen it coming, and maybe it's just because I'm sick that it's trying to take a hold of me. When I become this person, this, "worst me" I don't take people's feelings in to account. Like some comments I could make that are just too mean in their teasing (or too nasty in other cases) come out of my mouth. I say things that were better left unsaid, I say things I never thought before or would ever think, and they fly out of my mouth nonchalantly, leaving my powerless, screaming, "What the fuck!?" Which now so clearly, I can see why I said to Jas that awful terrible thing. I didn't mean it, and I couldn't figure out why it came out of my mouth, but now I can tell it's part of that "worst me" cycle that I've repressed for three years, coming back to rear it's ugly head. Great, just what I need. And I swear, it makes me cry, I've tried so hard to make myself over into who I was underneath, you know, soul-searching. But it seems I have to do that again, solve and accept the problems, or that breakdown will occur. I'm scared, I don't know if I can do it in time. I'm at a loss, and feel that I have to take it a day at a time. But I hate that. I like making plans for the future. I have to make plans for the future, but I can't unless I fix this and prevent it.
On another note, I was so sick on Monday and Sunday that I had to have a teaspoon of codeine cough medicine, also, I've been using my dad's inhaler to help me with the coughing and so I can breathe. But on Sunday, I was fine with the codeine, didn't bother me at all. But on Monday, I swear, I must have been high, but not high, because it wasn't that. And it wasn't a low like that of which you'd get after crashing on crank. It was a middle, I was me, but with a weird feeling head and eyes, and I felt a sense of clarity. Not like a, "Everything is perfect" way, but a "It'll mull over and be fine, as long as you try" feeling. So there's hope that I won't mental breakdown too bad. Or at all. But it's cracking, so I've gotta work.
Which is one reason why I'm trying hard to get the day to day stuff and homework out of the way, because then I can focus on my mental aspects, do the soul searching, discover me. And oddly enough, while that is some serious thinking on my part, it's also having me time. Reading, writing, relaxing. And listening to music. I feel at ease generally when I listen to music. It's one of my favorite things to do, if not the favorite. I love music. I just close my eyes at times and feel such strong emotions, that I can hear such... well, there's no words really. At least that I can think of. And other times, I envision such pictures in my head that it makes me glad I can see. Glad I can hear, imagine, whatever. Thankful for all of that, thankful I'm me, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't know what was happening to me. If I was someone else, I'd be left to flounder as the "worst me" just like in 6th grade. And I wasn't me then, I was Someone Else.
My classes are pretty cool, some are kinda challenging, others aren't. I mean so far at least. But the homework! I've had english homework EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT!!!! And I've been sick since last Thursday. I had to stay home on Monday and Tuesday, thankfully, I didn't get too far behind this week. God, and I had to play at the Puyallup fair on Sunday, sick as a dog. But Lisa and I went on the Ferris Wheel, which is scary but fun. But our asses got really wet, because it was pouring buckets. Went with my parents, and we all looked at the animals and inside the exhibition areas at all the booths. It was pretty cool. Except they dragged me into the horse stalls, and one of them, I swear to god, stamped his foot when I went by! I'm still sick too. I keep coughing, because I have like, a heavy feeling in my chest and throat. I coughed so hard this morning when I was getting ready for school that I almost threw up, and then my stomach hurt for a while and I had a nasty taste in my mouth. Grr, I don't feel good. I have a headache, and I don't know what I want to listen to. Everything has a heavy beat. God, I think I'm unraveling.
I'v been trying to prevent it, but I feel the emotional breakdown coming on, and it's only the beginning of school! I don't think it's just school, it's other things too. Like, I miss Jas and Shea, and I'm getting that low self esteem thing again, that no matter what anyone says or how often they slap me (LISA, JAS! xD) doesn't change. It's something I have to solve myself, and I just can't do that now. I mean, I'm not just bitching about it and not trying to fix it, I have tried, or at least I feel I've tried. And I'm not really giving up, it'll just take a while for me to sort out certain things, accept other things, leave things and feelings and people behind. Like Jeff. Jas and Lisa know what I'm talking about, and it's the whole lying thing. I can't stand being lied to. It's one thing if the person is lying to themself and therefore lies to me in turn, but deliberate blatant FUCKING LYING JUST PISSES ME OFF!! I don't know what to think anymore, and frankly, I haven't given a shit in a while. I feel bad, but honestly, what is a friendship, in my opinion? A relationship based on trust, love, honesty. Things I truly do not have for Jeff. He's a liar and a big mouth so I can't trust him and I wouldn't leave my life in his hands; I can't love him because frankly, half the time he annoys the shit out of me which leads me to hate him sometimes as well as when he's so wrong and so stupid, and won't admit it; and he's not honest with me, we don't truly say what we think and feel, because if I did, I'd tell him all this to his face. I dunno, I like him sometimes, he's cool in small doses, but he could never be to me what Lisa or Jas or Shea is, so why try? I can be acquantances, friends, but I can't trust him, or let him know things about me any more. I've had it. He's so spolied and a self-pityier, and just so fucking wrong, it's sickening!
So that's one of the things that has been on my chest/mind. And it's so pathetic, how I've let that get to me. The fact that I chose to trust someone and was wrong. I haven't been wrong about a situation like that in several years. I feel stupid, used, I hate feeling that way. Inferior, like, "Oh, Jeff outsmarted you" which is how I feel whenever I think about it. Jeff lied to me several times, I thought he was, but I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him. And I was wrong. That is such a sucker punch to me. But I can tell you, writing all that out, even if people read it or they don't, has actually lessened my headache, which is probably due to stress, being sick, and no caffeine.
I've also been dealing with self-image too, and I don't even feel like opening that can of worms, so no problem yet. It'll just build up and up and up until finally I crack and become the worst kind of person I can be. I'm hanging by threads, trying not to be that person anymore. I've seen it coming, and maybe it's just because I'm sick that it's trying to take a hold of me. When I become this person, this, "worst me" I don't take people's feelings in to account. Like some comments I could make that are just too mean in their teasing (or too nasty in other cases) come out of my mouth. I say things that were better left unsaid, I say things I never thought before or would ever think, and they fly out of my mouth nonchalantly, leaving my powerless, screaming, "What the fuck!?" Which now so clearly, I can see why I said to Jas that awful terrible thing. I didn't mean it, and I couldn't figure out why it came out of my mouth, but now I can tell it's part of that "worst me" cycle that I've repressed for three years, coming back to rear it's ugly head. Great, just what I need. And I swear, it makes me cry, I've tried so hard to make myself over into who I was underneath, you know, soul-searching. But it seems I have to do that again, solve and accept the problems, or that breakdown will occur. I'm scared, I don't know if I can do it in time. I'm at a loss, and feel that I have to take it a day at a time. But I hate that. I like making plans for the future. I have to make plans for the future, but I can't unless I fix this and prevent it.
On another note, I was so sick on Monday and Sunday that I had to have a teaspoon of codeine cough medicine, also, I've been using my dad's inhaler to help me with the coughing and so I can breathe. But on Sunday, I was fine with the codeine, didn't bother me at all. But on Monday, I swear, I must have been high, but not high, because it wasn't that. And it wasn't a low like that of which you'd get after crashing on crank. It was a middle, I was me, but with a weird feeling head and eyes, and I felt a sense of clarity. Not like a, "Everything is perfect" way, but a "It'll mull over and be fine, as long as you try" feeling. So there's hope that I won't mental breakdown too bad. Or at all. But it's cracking, so I've gotta work.
Which is one reason why I'm trying hard to get the day to day stuff and homework out of the way, because then I can focus on my mental aspects, do the soul searching, discover me. And oddly enough, while that is some serious thinking on my part, it's also having me time. Reading, writing, relaxing. And listening to music. I feel at ease generally when I listen to music. It's one of my favorite things to do, if not the favorite. I love music. I just close my eyes at times and feel such strong emotions, that I can hear such... well, there's no words really. At least that I can think of. And other times, I envision such pictures in my head that it makes me glad I can see. Glad I can hear, imagine, whatever. Thankful for all of that, thankful I'm me, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't know what was happening to me. If I was someone else, I'd be left to flounder as the "worst me" just like in 6th grade. And I wasn't me then, I was Someone Else.