i just got my very first ex-boyfriend!
i've been fighting with myself for the last 15 minutes over whether this should be a public entry or private. i guess that since you're reading it, you know i decided to go public. this will hopefully prevent me from having to re-tell this story 25 times in the next week. maybe i'm kidding myself about that many people really caring, but even two times would be too much. lj is my release and my therapy.
if you have read my journal much, you probably see that i'm usually a pretty happy person who loves her life.
not today...
this is the story of my last 36 hours.
(i don't know how to create a shortened link to the entire post, so here's the whole thing...sorry)
this began as an email to my parents and sister in europe, amended only slightly.
==========================================
hi. i just got home.
i feel like such a damn GIRL right now, ugh.
steven broke up with me. (steven is the guy in the icon)
it's a pretty long story, but this house is quiet, and i'm bored and sad, and i have nothing better to do than tell it. so here goes.
steven called at 3 pm yesterday afternoon, while mack and i were walking around the galleria window shopping. (no, dad, we didn't buy anything.) he said that he had been really depressed all day, and he even had panic attacks, where he felt like he couldn't breathe or function because he was shaking so badly. he couldn't get anything done. he said it was because he was so anxious and worried about me leaving. he said he was scared that if he came to guntersville, he would fall for me even more, and it would be just that much harder when i left. he said that when i came on wednesday and then left again, it was really hard, even though he knew he was going to see me in just a couple days. he knows that i'll be gone 10 weeks and home for maybe 3, then gone another 10, and then i'll be back. but all he can see is that i'll be gone for 6 months, and by the time i come back he will have already graduated and will be job hunting in many places other than tuscaloosa. and i have to be in tuscaloosa at least one more semester. he's very pessimistic and insecure and un-trusting. but i didn't know if he was saying all these things so that he could really just make sure i never call him or see him again, or if maybe he really wanted me to fight back and remind him of all the good things about us being together. i made sure he knew how excited i was and how much it meant to me for him to go to guntersville, and that if he didn't go, it would really hurt me. and he still said he couldn't go. i told him that i was sorry it had to be like this, and i cried a little, and i hung up.
i saw my friend BJ in the galleria, and he cheered me up a little. then i called mrs. milligan and talked to her for a while. she really helped. then mack and i drove on to guntersville. we got there about 6:30...then went to see buddy grandaddy. he paid for our supper at martin's. then we went home, and i tried to go to sleep, and i think mack watched a movie. i couldn't ever get to sleep. there were too many things going through my head. i thought that maybe i should call him back, but i never did. i don't know if i was too sad to cry, or not sad enough. but i just sat there somewhere in between pain and shock.
i woke mack up this morning, still kind-of in a daze, and we met buddy grandaddy at his house and went back to martin's for lunch. mack seemed really uncomfortable. i probably shouldn't have done that too him, but it was free food, and i'm poor. then i took mack to camp and he got all settled in. his counselor is nice, and he already knew a lot of people. he'll have a good time. then i went back to the
house and started reading a book. i couldn't really concentrate, so i drove down to the shell station, and i kind of broke down and called coleridge. i knew he would be really objective and straight-forward. it helped a little.
i knew i couldn't stay in the cabin alone. it gets really scary alone at night. especially with no phone service. so i put all my stuff back in the car and headed home. i involuntarily drove straight through birmingham to tuscaloosa. i really didn't do it intentionally, but once i realized what i had done, i decided that it must have been for a reason. so i kept going and i drove straight to steven's apartment, and knocked on the door.
he was surprised to see me, and not really in a good way. he kind of looked unprepared. he explained that he was scared of the power i had over his emotions. he really didn't want to be a chain holding me back. he wants me to be free. he wants me to be able to experience life fully, and he feels like i can't do that while attached to him. plus, every single time he has tried to trust someone, he has been taken advantage of or let down, and he doesn't think it can ever be different. i told him that even IF i didn't go to portland, and we got married tomorrow and started a life together (which i am NOT doing...it's just a scenario), he would STILL have those trust issues. throughout the last two months, i have been SO trustworthy and SO sincere. i can care about him, and i do...but i can't heal him or fix his past. he knows that, but i guess he just needs time.
after sparse conversation through the span of an hour, he told me that he didn't want me to leave, but he needed me to leave. he said "you can't always have what you want." so i hugged him and walked away without looking back.
then i drove home.
in the last 36 hours, i have driven at least 9 hours. i have not slept, showered, or even changed clothes (until 30 minutes ago). (i know...i'm gross, sorry...but today i have an excuse, i guess) i drank a lot of coffee, and smoked half a pack of cigarettes, which made me sick, and now, i never want to see a cigarette again. i cried a little, but mostly just thought a lot. i don't even think a concert could make me happy right now. ultimately, i guess it is nice to know that someone could really want to be my boyfriend...even for six weeks. honestly, most days, i never would have thought that.
i seriously considered driving on to the airport and getting on a plane to austria for the week, because i have that new money in my bank account from the scholarship check i deposited. i KNOW that, if nothing else, europe can make me happy. but i remembered that i wanted to have lunch with sara beck, carol bowden, and dot pringle this week. i made a date to watch a movie with suzy and cheridie. and i need to try to get a new eye appointment, because i'm stupid and i forgot to go on friday. it would also be nice to get a haircut and a new lap-top battery (that was the diagnosis from the computer center at school) and maybe try to fix my digital camera. and mrs. milligan invited me to go out to the country on saturday morning. plus i have to pack sometime, so i better save that europe trip for another day.
i'll be fine. i have plenty of people here if i need them. i might just want to be by myself for a while this week too. this has been the most draining experience i've ever gone through. i honestly feel like i went from one of the very best times of my life to one of the worst, in a matter of hours. it'll get better, especially when i get to chicago and portland and start meeting new people.
sorry for taking up so many minutes. i'm sure it costs like a euro for 8 minutes, or something ridiculous like that, but i really needed to get all of this out of my head before it exploded.
i love you, and i hope you are having a great time.
--rebecca
if you have read my journal much, you probably see that i'm usually a pretty happy person who loves her life.
not today...
this is the story of my last 36 hours.
(i don't know how to create a shortened link to the entire post, so here's the whole thing...sorry)
this began as an email to my parents and sister in europe, amended only slightly.
==========================================
hi. i just got home.
i feel like such a damn GIRL right now, ugh.
steven broke up with me. (steven is the guy in the icon)
it's a pretty long story, but this house is quiet, and i'm bored and sad, and i have nothing better to do than tell it. so here goes.
steven called at 3 pm yesterday afternoon, while mack and i were walking around the galleria window shopping. (no, dad, we didn't buy anything.) he said that he had been really depressed all day, and he even had panic attacks, where he felt like he couldn't breathe or function because he was shaking so badly. he couldn't get anything done. he said it was because he was so anxious and worried about me leaving. he said he was scared that if he came to guntersville, he would fall for me even more, and it would be just that much harder when i left. he said that when i came on wednesday and then left again, it was really hard, even though he knew he was going to see me in just a couple days. he knows that i'll be gone 10 weeks and home for maybe 3, then gone another 10, and then i'll be back. but all he can see is that i'll be gone for 6 months, and by the time i come back he will have already graduated and will be job hunting in many places other than tuscaloosa. and i have to be in tuscaloosa at least one more semester. he's very pessimistic and insecure and un-trusting. but i didn't know if he was saying all these things so that he could really just make sure i never call him or see him again, or if maybe he really wanted me to fight back and remind him of all the good things about us being together. i made sure he knew how excited i was and how much it meant to me for him to go to guntersville, and that if he didn't go, it would really hurt me. and he still said he couldn't go. i told him that i was sorry it had to be like this, and i cried a little, and i hung up.
i saw my friend BJ in the galleria, and he cheered me up a little. then i called mrs. milligan and talked to her for a while. she really helped. then mack and i drove on to guntersville. we got there about 6:30...then went to see buddy grandaddy. he paid for our supper at martin's. then we went home, and i tried to go to sleep, and i think mack watched a movie. i couldn't ever get to sleep. there were too many things going through my head. i thought that maybe i should call him back, but i never did. i don't know if i was too sad to cry, or not sad enough. but i just sat there somewhere in between pain and shock.
i woke mack up this morning, still kind-of in a daze, and we met buddy grandaddy at his house and went back to martin's for lunch. mack seemed really uncomfortable. i probably shouldn't have done that too him, but it was free food, and i'm poor. then i took mack to camp and he got all settled in. his counselor is nice, and he already knew a lot of people. he'll have a good time. then i went back to the
house and started reading a book. i couldn't really concentrate, so i drove down to the shell station, and i kind of broke down and called coleridge. i knew he would be really objective and straight-forward. it helped a little.
i knew i couldn't stay in the cabin alone. it gets really scary alone at night. especially with no phone service. so i put all my stuff back in the car and headed home. i involuntarily drove straight through birmingham to tuscaloosa. i really didn't do it intentionally, but once i realized what i had done, i decided that it must have been for a reason. so i kept going and i drove straight to steven's apartment, and knocked on the door.
he was surprised to see me, and not really in a good way. he kind of looked unprepared. he explained that he was scared of the power i had over his emotions. he really didn't want to be a chain holding me back. he wants me to be free. he wants me to be able to experience life fully, and he feels like i can't do that while attached to him. plus, every single time he has tried to trust someone, he has been taken advantage of or let down, and he doesn't think it can ever be different. i told him that even IF i didn't go to portland, and we got married tomorrow and started a life together (which i am NOT doing...it's just a scenario), he would STILL have those trust issues. throughout the last two months, i have been SO trustworthy and SO sincere. i can care about him, and i do...but i can't heal him or fix his past. he knows that, but i guess he just needs time.
after sparse conversation through the span of an hour, he told me that he didn't want me to leave, but he needed me to leave. he said "you can't always have what you want." so i hugged him and walked away without looking back.
then i drove home.
in the last 36 hours, i have driven at least 9 hours. i have not slept, showered, or even changed clothes (until 30 minutes ago). (i know...i'm gross, sorry...but today i have an excuse, i guess) i drank a lot of coffee, and smoked half a pack of cigarettes, which made me sick, and now, i never want to see a cigarette again. i cried a little, but mostly just thought a lot. i don't even think a concert could make me happy right now. ultimately, i guess it is nice to know that someone could really want to be my boyfriend...even for six weeks. honestly, most days, i never would have thought that.
i seriously considered driving on to the airport and getting on a plane to austria for the week, because i have that new money in my bank account from the scholarship check i deposited. i KNOW that, if nothing else, europe can make me happy. but i remembered that i wanted to have lunch with sara beck, carol bowden, and dot pringle this week. i made a date to watch a movie with suzy and cheridie. and i need to try to get a new eye appointment, because i'm stupid and i forgot to go on friday. it would also be nice to get a haircut and a new lap-top battery (that was the diagnosis from the computer center at school) and maybe try to fix my digital camera. and mrs. milligan invited me to go out to the country on saturday morning. plus i have to pack sometime, so i better save that europe trip for another day.
i'll be fine. i have plenty of people here if i need them. i might just want to be by myself for a while this week too. this has been the most draining experience i've ever gone through. i honestly feel like i went from one of the very best times of my life to one of the worst, in a matter of hours. it'll get better, especially when i get to chicago and portland and start meeting new people.
sorry for taking up so many minutes. i'm sure it costs like a euro for 8 minutes, or something ridiculous like that, but i really needed to get all of this out of my head before it exploded.
i love you, and i hope you are having a great time.
--rebecca