ash wednesday and other revelations...
Lent begins without me today and Im feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Overwhelmed to say the least.
Overly tired.
I complain and consider what it was that I did wrong last term to get the grades I didn't want.
Yet I have not begun the changes I need to make as of yet.
I rush in between class and work and commitments that I make.
A little bit in denial about things, I haven't been to the gym in over three weeks.
Snoozing several times on my alarm clock, I was half an hour late to class today.
Homework, incomplete.
I didn't get called on, and was unsure as to whether or not I cared.
I am exhausted.
I went to a tutorial in between class and work and munched on my apple as we talked about corporate liability.
Selling books and study aids to first term law students makes me smile.
I remember when...
I am in my fifth term of law school and 27 years old and I live in Lansing Michigan, all by myself, save for my kitty chica.
Sometimes I realize all of my blessings, but sometimes, when I let myself wallow in self pity, after a rough day...sometimes I feel all alone.
Yes I have been blessed.
Yes, I am connected here, and feel sometimes more at home than I do when in Texas.
I am still dealing with the fact that I can always depend on God, but not always on people.
I need to remember not to expect too much out of others.
Why should I?
How can I?
It's not fair, or right.
I can be responsible only for myself and can expect things only from God.
I cannot save anyone, only pray for them.
I cannot apologize for being blessed, either.
And another thing, I need to really be able to forgive, instead of holding things in.
I want to forgive and I want to trust.
But I need to learn to balance trust with expectations.
I tend to err on the side of drama, and yet I long for a drama free life.
I am not really sure why I can be affected so much by one friend.
One friend who claims to care but sometimes forgets to listen.
I fear I may be too sensitive.
But is wanting and expecting things from those people you consider to be the closest to you...
Is that so bad?
_____________________________
In the middle of my shift at work this evening we got a call....there was talk all afternoon about the snow coming down outside, how a winter weather advisory had been declared...
15 inches was expected...and for the first time since the year and a half that I've lived in Michigan, classes were cancelled and the school was closed.
This meant that the bookstore closed and we left work early.
Which in turn meant, that the roads were bad, and since we were expecting 15 inches...aka a storm of a lifetime for me.
I wasn't able to drive to Mass to receive Ashes to begin the Lenten season.
I know it was justifiable, because it was literally dangerous to be on the roads.
But my heart still sank as I realized, the first Lent that I can remember without Ashes in the beginning.
"Turn Away from Sin and be faithful to the Gospel".
All this, and I'm in a fight with my best friend for reasons which are not so reasonable.
What a way to begin this season of reflection.
I realize I have so very much to learn...
Overwhelmed to say the least.
Overly tired.
I complain and consider what it was that I did wrong last term to get the grades I didn't want.
Yet I have not begun the changes I need to make as of yet.
I rush in between class and work and commitments that I make.
A little bit in denial about things, I haven't been to the gym in over three weeks.
Snoozing several times on my alarm clock, I was half an hour late to class today.
Homework, incomplete.
I didn't get called on, and was unsure as to whether or not I cared.
I am exhausted.
I went to a tutorial in between class and work and munched on my apple as we talked about corporate liability.
Selling books and study aids to first term law students makes me smile.
I remember when...
I am in my fifth term of law school and 27 years old and I live in Lansing Michigan, all by myself, save for my kitty chica.
Sometimes I realize all of my blessings, but sometimes, when I let myself wallow in self pity, after a rough day...sometimes I feel all alone.
Yes I have been blessed.
Yes, I am connected here, and feel sometimes more at home than I do when in Texas.
I am still dealing with the fact that I can always depend on God, but not always on people.
I need to remember not to expect too much out of others.
Why should I?
How can I?
It's not fair, or right.
I can be responsible only for myself and can expect things only from God.
I cannot save anyone, only pray for them.
I cannot apologize for being blessed, either.
And another thing, I need to really be able to forgive, instead of holding things in.
I want to forgive and I want to trust.
But I need to learn to balance trust with expectations.
I tend to err on the side of drama, and yet I long for a drama free life.
I am not really sure why I can be affected so much by one friend.
One friend who claims to care but sometimes forgets to listen.
I fear I may be too sensitive.
But is wanting and expecting things from those people you consider to be the closest to you...
Is that so bad?
_____________________________
In the middle of my shift at work this evening we got a call....there was talk all afternoon about the snow coming down outside, how a winter weather advisory had been declared...
15 inches was expected...and for the first time since the year and a half that I've lived in Michigan, classes were cancelled and the school was closed.
This meant that the bookstore closed and we left work early.
Which in turn meant, that the roads were bad, and since we were expecting 15 inches...aka a storm of a lifetime for me.
I wasn't able to drive to Mass to receive Ashes to begin the Lenten season.
I know it was justifiable, because it was literally dangerous to be on the roads.
But my heart still sank as I realized, the first Lent that I can remember without Ashes in the beginning.
"Turn Away from Sin and be faithful to the Gospel".
All this, and I'm in a fight with my best friend for reasons which are not so reasonable.
What a way to begin this season of reflection.
I realize I have so very much to learn...