(no subject)
Raj says it's worrying to see me so detached. He asks me if I want to talk about it. He tells me that I'm absolutely radiant when I'm confident, and he wants to see me like that again.
AND. HOW. THE. HELL. CAN. HE. HELP.
He was useless this summer. Absolutely, completely useless. He was useless just a few weeks ago, when I ranted to him and he turned completely silent. But he does that every time!
So I say that, no, I don't want to talk about it. No, there's nothing he can do. No, it's not going to be okay.
I'm having a hard time sleeping. I'm scared that I'll never be satisfied. I don't want to continue living like this, but I have no choice but to continue living!
I don't think I'm ever going to be satisfied with myself. Even if I reach my current goals (what are these current goals? I don't even know what I want out of life), I am just going to hold myself to a higher and higher standard. Lowering my standards seems like failure. But I know that I won't be able to meet them, because I am completely incapable of it.
So I live a life of total frustration at myself.
And I don't even know where I'm going.
I hate myself so much sometimes, so much that I want to stop fighting. But am I even fighting right now? I'm just going through the motions. I don't even know what's wrong with me, literally! If I try to think about my feelings, it's like my brain blocks me. I just can't bring myself to examine myself in any nontrivial fashion, anymore.
So all I know is that I can't meet the standards that I set for myself, and that I'll probably never be able to meet them.
AND. HOW. THE. HELL. CAN. HE. HELP.
He was useless this summer. Absolutely, completely useless. He was useless just a few weeks ago, when I ranted to him and he turned completely silent. But he does that every time!
So I say that, no, I don't want to talk about it. No, there's nothing he can do. No, it's not going to be okay.
I'm having a hard time sleeping. I'm scared that I'll never be satisfied. I don't want to continue living like this, but I have no choice but to continue living!
I don't think I'm ever going to be satisfied with myself. Even if I reach my current goals (what are these current goals? I don't even know what I want out of life), I am just going to hold myself to a higher and higher standard. Lowering my standards seems like failure. But I know that I won't be able to meet them, because I am completely incapable of it.
So I live a life of total frustration at myself.
And I don't even know where I'm going.
I hate myself so much sometimes, so much that I want to stop fighting. But am I even fighting right now? I'm just going through the motions. I don't even know what's wrong with me, literally! If I try to think about my feelings, it's like my brain blocks me. I just can't bring myself to examine myself in any nontrivial fashion, anymore.
So all I know is that I can't meet the standards that I set for myself, and that I'll probably never be able to meet them.