(no subject)
I do love him. And that's all I know right now. I think this post is just going to be poorly written and disorganized because my brain feels like that right now. I am so disconnected from people I used to call friends. I'm even disconnected from Blake, who is supposed to be the other part of my consciousness, somehow. I think it's because I don't stay up late anymore, prattling on about nothing in particular. I think it's because I'm not with Perry anymore. I think it's a lot of things. I actually feel more alone this summer than I have in a really long time, because I don't have anyone to really take the time and listen to me. I don't blame anybody. It's just true.
I talked to Raj yesterday about how I'm a passive-aggressive bastard when I'm bottling my feelings up. When I'm trying not to complain and trying not to say hurtful and finger-pointing things. When I'm trying not to gripe. Because, honestly, the thing that freaks me out most is if Raj were mad at me. The thought still drives me to tears. I think he's far more chill than I am, so I don't think he'd take it to heart if I told him how hurt I am that he doesn't pay attention to me and doesn't even think about asking what I'm doing right now, but I'm scared. I'm scared of complaining to him because I am terrified of turning into the Perry of last summer.
I don't even know what more to say. I wish Devon were available more, so I could tell him about this new turn of events and about what three old "friends" did last night. I wonder if they got really drunk. I wonder about the appeal of this, of chemical happiness, of staying up all night just the three of them. Why?
I'm an antisocial motherfucker but even so, I'm hurting right now because I feel alone.
I talked to Raj yesterday about how I'm a passive-aggressive bastard when I'm bottling my feelings up. When I'm trying not to complain and trying not to say hurtful and finger-pointing things. When I'm trying not to gripe. Because, honestly, the thing that freaks me out most is if Raj were mad at me. The thought still drives me to tears. I think he's far more chill than I am, so I don't think he'd take it to heart if I told him how hurt I am that he doesn't pay attention to me and doesn't even think about asking what I'm doing right now, but I'm scared. I'm scared of complaining to him because I am terrified of turning into the Perry of last summer.
I don't even know what more to say. I wish Devon were available more, so I could tell him about this new turn of events and about what three old "friends" did last night. I wonder if they got really drunk. I wonder about the appeal of this, of chemical happiness, of staying up all night just the three of them. Why?
I'm an antisocial motherfucker but even so, I'm hurting right now because I feel alone.