is it wrong not to always be glad?
moved all my stuff into jeremy's old house last night. got unpacked for the most part. don't have a bed yet, and i wasn't strong enough to drag the hide-a-bed couch to my room. went to rhonda and brian's. got drunk on st. brendan's irish cream whiskey. watched i <3 huckabees, which i loved. i love jason schwartzman. he chooses such great movies to be in. clay and i were the only ones drunk, so that was interesting. whitney drove my car back to her house. my door was stuck and clay and i broke the door lock off trying to get out, and had to crawl through the front door to get out because travis broke the other door the day before, stumbling over each other and laughing. it was pretty funny. drove myself back to jeremy's and fell asleep watching "der kreiger + die kaiserin" on couch mattressess with all of my blankets. although much fun was had, i was just in a weird mood yesterday. i was afraid to stay at the house alone but when i called jason to invite him to stay and hang out he didn't seem to enthused about it and i wasn't going to beg. i don't get drunk very often, but when i do, i make sure to end the night by myself. remnants of my heavy drinking days, where kate would have to put me half asleep, babbling and sobbing in bed... poetry slam is tonight. talked to brit about the poem i might be reading so she doesn't get freaked out and wonder who it's about and why i wrote it. anxious about tonight. a guest poet will be there. i haven't decided which ones to do yet, but choosing between "ode to the other woman", "pride," "armchair activists" "abandon," and "bloom red, bloom green." i know i shouldn't, but i feel bad that i'm choosing these poems, three of them about the same person, and none about my partner. but at the same time, it feels very stale and emotionless, like a convenient arrangement rather than an actual relationship. it's not going to work out, i don't think. i'm not too upset about it. i'll figure this all out someday.