she takes the pills to fall asleep and dream that she's invisible
tormented dreams, she stays awake, recalls when she was capable...
talked to whitney last night, after we both had time to think about things. went well (at least i thought it did), realized a few things about myself, things i need to work on. the only time i really feel understood is when people call me out. she was right about almost everything. it was okay when i was just being self-destructive, but now it's moved on to insensitivity to the people i love and care about. jeremy called and i went over there to talk to him, to see how i felt about things and where he was and if we were on the same page. fell asleep on the couch. he woke me up about quarter to midnight and said he was going to bed, that i could stay over if i wanted to. i didn't; i drove home, cold, listening to radiohead (blaming this whole disaster on thom york won't help). went home to sleep in my own bed with no regrets. and i know a lot of this is hurt and a feeling of powerlessness over my past couple relationships manifesting itself. maybe it's the hole were matt used to be begging to be filled. but i won't fill it; after two years of obsession, pipe dreams and "what ifs" and "what might have been"'s, i will never fill that again with another person. i will fill it with my own self-confidence and love. it will take a while to recover from this, to make it up to everyone i've hurt in the process... myself included...
talked to whitney last night, after we both had time to think about things. went well (at least i thought it did), realized a few things about myself, things i need to work on. the only time i really feel understood is when people call me out. she was right about almost everything. it was okay when i was just being self-destructive, but now it's moved on to insensitivity to the people i love and care about. jeremy called and i went over there to talk to him, to see how i felt about things and where he was and if we were on the same page. fell asleep on the couch. he woke me up about quarter to midnight and said he was going to bed, that i could stay over if i wanted to. i didn't; i drove home, cold, listening to radiohead (blaming this whole disaster on thom york won't help). went home to sleep in my own bed with no regrets. and i know a lot of this is hurt and a feeling of powerlessness over my past couple relationships manifesting itself. maybe it's the hole were matt used to be begging to be filled. but i won't fill it; after two years of obsession, pipe dreams and "what ifs" and "what might have been"'s, i will never fill that again with another person. i will fill it with my own self-confidence and love. it will take a while to recover from this, to make it up to everyone i've hurt in the process... myself included...