before I knew it, the dream was all gone...
It's been a while since I've updated my status. It's a bit hard, I 'm beginning to realize, no matter how action packed, or how dull, it's never easy to convey one's journey so quickly and easily into words like this. Details forgotten, ideals lost, emotions gone, so many small little things that just are gone and probably won't come back so easily. All those have a funny way of just disappearing so easily, specailly emotions. So much can drive such things can to happen, for memories to just be gone. Stress, Bliss, even disappointment. Any one of my posts or anyones posts can be what we make it, it can be of all the jooyous moments that pass us by, no matter how small or all the depressive issues, no matter how insignificant. We willfully forget what we want to, and only keep what we want others to hear. It's so mundane to talk about what's happened, because it can happen to anyone. I'm beginning to realize what I've missed doing was talking about how it's affected me, the moments, memories, and fragments of time that have gone.
I could talk about the fact I went to Fox and Hounds last friday and had fun. It's so much more thrillign to speak about how exciting it was to just go out and enjoy. I'll admit, to go out and to enjoy with those not only my own age but maturity was good. It was fun to just sit and talk and enjoy, drink a little and jsut overall have a fun time. No one walked away a mess, no one walked away bored. We ate, played some pool, drank and talk. It made me want to go a club again. Haven't done it in a while. If anythign I just want to go to a club and dance. Enjoy, be a bit of a free spirit, but you know just take in a night out. Nothing serious. I dont' want to go and pick up someone, go and get smashed or go get e in my system and just mellow out. It's not fun to me. Granted being responsible doesn't sound like fun to most people, but it doesn't mean you can't do both. It would be nice to go with someone who an just og and have fun too, not sit there and worry that someone is going to go do something stupid. Especially going to a club, I would definatley worry if everyone would make it all back home safe. Hey, it's the attitude of never leaving a man behind. Yeah, I know a good part of me has been yearning to do this for a while. It's a matter of oppurtunity and will. Well... mostly money. To go into the city and all that takes a bit of money, though motivation via people to accompany me is more like it. Granted, unlike what my one friend thinks, this isn't a lack of volition. To just blindly attack every oppurtunity would be blind and foolish. Thena gain being resered all the time isn't good either. It's about knowing when to attack. Right now, the opportunity of going out to a club hasn't arisen yet, but I'm sure when I get to sort out all the final details as of late with school, it will.
That's what I've spent most of the last few weeks doing, figuring out work and school and such. Not worrying about it so much as making sure it all falls into place. Other than that, I've been running a lot, as I've said earlier, and reading. the most important thing I've been tryign to do as of alte is seeing a lot of old friends before I no longer have the oppurtunity. I saw one friend last thursday, maybe another monday. Still want to travel to Delaware and see another. Hell I want to go to Maryland and see Harold again, jsut beacuse who knows if I'll ever be afforded that chance once again. So many things being restricted by money. Yeah, as much fun as it's been not having a job, the fact that I lack income hurts as well. My affluent lifestyle was cut months ago, but it's still hard, to have gone now 6 months in jobless and still make it. If I hand't stock piled a bit of cash, I'd probably be desperate now. I just have to be thrifty and cautious if you will. Still though, that's been the majority of it as of late, other than last friday no crazy nigths out, no insanity. Just peaceful, meditative relaxation. It's a nice change of pace, to be able to catch up with people.
Funny, just found out it's my cousin's birthday. Just called her now, she didn't pick up unfortunatly. Left a message and hopefully she recieves it in good time. I used to be close to her. We used to talk all the time, share ideas, emotions and struggles. Something happend to her though and we grew distant. It was obvious as of last summer, during my trip to North Carolina. My aunt was worried about her becoming anorexic and it seemed like that was a strong possiblity. She wasn't as open or receptive as she once was. I hope she's doing ok. I don't hear much from her as of late. She was always worried about her love life as well. Controlling her emotions, handling people and the whole thing about love itself. It's probably why we got along before. Then again we were of two differnet mindsets. I'm the radicall ideoligist and she's stuck in the battle of popularity that jsut seems to besmeach all those from Cali, at least those who don't live in San Franisco. A part of me really worries for her. I hope she is ok. Well I'll probably try calling her tomorrow and seeing if she does respond. If not, then well maybe next family function, maybe someone's wedding, a summer break, or just a random chance encounter. It's hard to speak in greater detail, it's family. Honestly, I'm not the same as most of my cousins. Most of them have always been in an upper social climate. Always battling for popularity or just center of it all. Other than my cousin chris, not many of them are of an intelligence caliber as My siblings or I. They are well versed in world topics, but the thirst for knowledge jsut doens't seem to be there as it is for us. It's not a bad thing, it's just obvious whenever we go on those family things. Our humor, Brennard, Alex, and I is far different from my other cousins. Along with this, our attention to wit and ideology is vastly different. Again not a bad thing, just something I don't speak to much about.
It's hard to speak about things so close to me. I'm sure you find it difficult. First thing to come to my mind is what to say? Then again maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have a hard time trusting someone elses judgement. Mayeb the it's the past of scars that haunt me. I don't know honestly. It took a lot of me to finalyl talk to someone about my own perosnal issue with someone else. It was great advice to. I then went on to talk to the other person about my issue. Granted, it seemed to no avail, but it helped a lot. then an interesting thought came up, why don't i just call people to say what's up? Is it because I don't like mindless chatter? Possibly. Maybe I'm not used to it, I never really did that growing up and I always found it a bit intimidating to call others. I felt like I was bothering them, nor did I not know what to say. To me calling someone should have purpose, other than bordem alleviation, speciallyc ause you can't do any more than talk. Sure talking can kill some time, but you can only talk about so much. Then comes the idea of crossed intentions. ugh, so much thought to something so simple. maybe that's it, I overthink it all, like I do everything I don't understand. All these ideas started because someone I cared about snubbed me. Yeah, then it whirlpooled into why it happened and what to do about it. I'll tell you, this is a consequence of meditation, more questions and more mysteries. Sadly, I didn't even get an answer. Well I did, she said she doesn't remember doing that, but she's sorry if she did. One would say it was an honest mistake. I know her, it wasn't a mistake, it was premeditated. It's not really resentment. It's the fact I've just abotu given up, no matter how close we grow, she won't open up to me, she won't be honest to me, she won't let me into her world. Here I am side tracked by this all now. I've talked about so much in such a short paragraph. Maybe it's not good to over think is a key thing. Of course I thought I had grown past this, but still, in the face of urncertainty, I'm once again a prisoner of my own mentality. It will take resolve and courage, determination is what i need to remember to overcome this. Maybe it will give me a new light on my second issue. Though rather minor, it's not who I am. I'm me and I don't just make chit chat over the phone. As much as I love the technology, I'm not one toj ust call out of the blue in bordem. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. You know what it is, those I've liked and all, the ones I really fell for, they are the ones who avoided thier phoens like the plague. Not to avoid you mind me, jsut because they do it in general. Maybe it's just another scar tha'ts been there that i didn't notice. It may bring light to why I hate jsut aclling people out of the blue and making random chat.
Ugh, caring for someone is oen of the most tenious things you can do. It's just far worse when your left here to have spent all that emotion and for it to just seem to gone to naught. A great deal of me wants to say fuck it. It's not worth it now. Will it be worth it ever? Yeah, the easy fairy tale stock answer is yes it is. I'm big on beleiving and hope, but it's ahrd to fathom such an idea when you have yet to experiance it. Ok, to be fair I did once, and it really bit back hard. Not a great set of experainces mind you. A great question comes to me, why did I waste so much emotion and care, always knowing it would come to what it is now and probably will never go anywhere. I knwo why though, because she is fun to be with. She's amazing. Of course it probably won't come to fruition. It's not some story, not everything ends happily ever after. In the end, it's the experiance. That's what's worth it. Even if I come out broken hearted (which I'll say I probably won't, even if it's going down right now like a burning plane.), the experiance was worth it. I could learn and grow for it. I don't regret one moment of it. It's not myf ault it's not what she wants or wants to be a great part of. It also doesn't mean I can't find something similar. I wont' find something like what we have, but I'm sure somethign similar will come. Granted the uncanny connection we have is ridiculous. She doesn't have to say it, we just get it. I like how she reads and analyizes everything. It's so similar to what I do. It's why we can chit chat and talk. We debate, we discuss, we talk. I don't get that from many people. That's probably another reason I dont' randomly call. People just want to shoot the breeze, they never want to anaylize something. They never want to get down to its' core meaning and to understand. They just want to vent and end it. It's so one sided and empty to me. To come out of something without learning anything is a waste. In any sense, I enjoyed the adventure that it was. I'm hoping that after all this, after she figures out what ever she does, hopefully she'll come back around and we can jsut treat each other as friends. I know I wanted more, but it just seems like it isn't possible. If she isn't willing to open herself to me as a friend, then how can we ever be more as more. It just wouldn't work out. There's something else I know to be looking for in this game of love... of caring. It will be crazy when experiancing that comes around, a new experaince and somethign that will bring more problem, ideas, and wisdom.
See, it's easier to talk about the experiance so much as the moments. I'm able to convey what I've been through better in my opinion. Details are just merely that. Guy gets snubbed, the two dont' talk for a week. It's not like it's new, it's not like ti's fresh. I'm sure a hundred LJ's are posting that now and how they want to kill themselves over it. I'd rather talked about what it meant to me and where i'm going with it. I feel more fufilled, like there's something to discuss now. If you wish to take it that way. Well, just some food for thought. LJ has been stale as of late it seems anyway. Who knows. How ya all doing? Hopefully I hear good things, take care of yourselves till next time.
See you space cowboy...
I could talk about the fact I went to Fox and Hounds last friday and had fun. It's so much more thrillign to speak about how exciting it was to just go out and enjoy. I'll admit, to go out and to enjoy with those not only my own age but maturity was good. It was fun to just sit and talk and enjoy, drink a little and jsut overall have a fun time. No one walked away a mess, no one walked away bored. We ate, played some pool, drank and talk. It made me want to go a club again. Haven't done it in a while. If anythign I just want to go to a club and dance. Enjoy, be a bit of a free spirit, but you know just take in a night out. Nothing serious. I dont' want to go and pick up someone, go and get smashed or go get e in my system and just mellow out. It's not fun to me. Granted being responsible doesn't sound like fun to most people, but it doesn't mean you can't do both. It would be nice to go with someone who an just og and have fun too, not sit there and worry that someone is going to go do something stupid. Especially going to a club, I would definatley worry if everyone would make it all back home safe. Hey, it's the attitude of never leaving a man behind. Yeah, I know a good part of me has been yearning to do this for a while. It's a matter of oppurtunity and will. Well... mostly money. To go into the city and all that takes a bit of money, though motivation via people to accompany me is more like it. Granted, unlike what my one friend thinks, this isn't a lack of volition. To just blindly attack every oppurtunity would be blind and foolish. Thena gain being resered all the time isn't good either. It's about knowing when to attack. Right now, the opportunity of going out to a club hasn't arisen yet, but I'm sure when I get to sort out all the final details as of late with school, it will.
That's what I've spent most of the last few weeks doing, figuring out work and school and such. Not worrying about it so much as making sure it all falls into place. Other than that, I've been running a lot, as I've said earlier, and reading. the most important thing I've been tryign to do as of alte is seeing a lot of old friends before I no longer have the oppurtunity. I saw one friend last thursday, maybe another monday. Still want to travel to Delaware and see another. Hell I want to go to Maryland and see Harold again, jsut beacuse who knows if I'll ever be afforded that chance once again. So many things being restricted by money. Yeah, as much fun as it's been not having a job, the fact that I lack income hurts as well. My affluent lifestyle was cut months ago, but it's still hard, to have gone now 6 months in jobless and still make it. If I hand't stock piled a bit of cash, I'd probably be desperate now. I just have to be thrifty and cautious if you will. Still though, that's been the majority of it as of late, other than last friday no crazy nigths out, no insanity. Just peaceful, meditative relaxation. It's a nice change of pace, to be able to catch up with people.
Funny, just found out it's my cousin's birthday. Just called her now, she didn't pick up unfortunatly. Left a message and hopefully she recieves it in good time. I used to be close to her. We used to talk all the time, share ideas, emotions and struggles. Something happend to her though and we grew distant. It was obvious as of last summer, during my trip to North Carolina. My aunt was worried about her becoming anorexic and it seemed like that was a strong possiblity. She wasn't as open or receptive as she once was. I hope she's doing ok. I don't hear much from her as of late. She was always worried about her love life as well. Controlling her emotions, handling people and the whole thing about love itself. It's probably why we got along before. Then again we were of two differnet mindsets. I'm the radicall ideoligist and she's stuck in the battle of popularity that jsut seems to besmeach all those from Cali, at least those who don't live in San Franisco. A part of me really worries for her. I hope she is ok. Well I'll probably try calling her tomorrow and seeing if she does respond. If not, then well maybe next family function, maybe someone's wedding, a summer break, or just a random chance encounter. It's hard to speak in greater detail, it's family. Honestly, I'm not the same as most of my cousins. Most of them have always been in an upper social climate. Always battling for popularity or just center of it all. Other than my cousin chris, not many of them are of an intelligence caliber as My siblings or I. They are well versed in world topics, but the thirst for knowledge jsut doens't seem to be there as it is for us. It's not a bad thing, it's just obvious whenever we go on those family things. Our humor, Brennard, Alex, and I is far different from my other cousins. Along with this, our attention to wit and ideology is vastly different. Again not a bad thing, just something I don't speak to much about.
It's hard to speak about things so close to me. I'm sure you find it difficult. First thing to come to my mind is what to say? Then again maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have a hard time trusting someone elses judgement. Mayeb the it's the past of scars that haunt me. I don't know honestly. It took a lot of me to finalyl talk to someone about my own perosnal issue with someone else. It was great advice to. I then went on to talk to the other person about my issue. Granted, it seemed to no avail, but it helped a lot. then an interesting thought came up, why don't i just call people to say what's up? Is it because I don't like mindless chatter? Possibly. Maybe I'm not used to it, I never really did that growing up and I always found it a bit intimidating to call others. I felt like I was bothering them, nor did I not know what to say. To me calling someone should have purpose, other than bordem alleviation, speciallyc ause you can't do any more than talk. Sure talking can kill some time, but you can only talk about so much. Then comes the idea of crossed intentions. ugh, so much thought to something so simple. maybe that's it, I overthink it all, like I do everything I don't understand. All these ideas started because someone I cared about snubbed me. Yeah, then it whirlpooled into why it happened and what to do about it. I'll tell you, this is a consequence of meditation, more questions and more mysteries. Sadly, I didn't even get an answer. Well I did, she said she doesn't remember doing that, but she's sorry if she did. One would say it was an honest mistake. I know her, it wasn't a mistake, it was premeditated. It's not really resentment. It's the fact I've just abotu given up, no matter how close we grow, she won't open up to me, she won't be honest to me, she won't let me into her world. Here I am side tracked by this all now. I've talked about so much in such a short paragraph. Maybe it's not good to over think is a key thing. Of course I thought I had grown past this, but still, in the face of urncertainty, I'm once again a prisoner of my own mentality. It will take resolve and courage, determination is what i need to remember to overcome this. Maybe it will give me a new light on my second issue. Though rather minor, it's not who I am. I'm me and I don't just make chit chat over the phone. As much as I love the technology, I'm not one toj ust call out of the blue in bordem. It doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. You know what it is, those I've liked and all, the ones I really fell for, they are the ones who avoided thier phoens like the plague. Not to avoid you mind me, jsut because they do it in general. Maybe it's just another scar tha'ts been there that i didn't notice. It may bring light to why I hate jsut aclling people out of the blue and making random chat.
Ugh, caring for someone is oen of the most tenious things you can do. It's just far worse when your left here to have spent all that emotion and for it to just seem to gone to naught. A great deal of me wants to say fuck it. It's not worth it now. Will it be worth it ever? Yeah, the easy fairy tale stock answer is yes it is. I'm big on beleiving and hope, but it's ahrd to fathom such an idea when you have yet to experiance it. Ok, to be fair I did once, and it really bit back hard. Not a great set of experainces mind you. A great question comes to me, why did I waste so much emotion and care, always knowing it would come to what it is now and probably will never go anywhere. I knwo why though, because she is fun to be with. She's amazing. Of course it probably won't come to fruition. It's not some story, not everything ends happily ever after. In the end, it's the experiance. That's what's worth it. Even if I come out broken hearted (which I'll say I probably won't, even if it's going down right now like a burning plane.), the experiance was worth it. I could learn and grow for it. I don't regret one moment of it. It's not myf ault it's not what she wants or wants to be a great part of. It also doesn't mean I can't find something similar. I wont' find something like what we have, but I'm sure somethign similar will come. Granted the uncanny connection we have is ridiculous. She doesn't have to say it, we just get it. I like how she reads and analyizes everything. It's so similar to what I do. It's why we can chit chat and talk. We debate, we discuss, we talk. I don't get that from many people. That's probably another reason I dont' randomly call. People just want to shoot the breeze, they never want to anaylize something. They never want to get down to its' core meaning and to understand. They just want to vent and end it. It's so one sided and empty to me. To come out of something without learning anything is a waste. In any sense, I enjoyed the adventure that it was. I'm hoping that after all this, after she figures out what ever she does, hopefully she'll come back around and we can jsut treat each other as friends. I know I wanted more, but it just seems like it isn't possible. If she isn't willing to open herself to me as a friend, then how can we ever be more as more. It just wouldn't work out. There's something else I know to be looking for in this game of love... of caring. It will be crazy when experiancing that comes around, a new experaince and somethign that will bring more problem, ideas, and wisdom.
See, it's easier to talk about the experiance so much as the moments. I'm able to convey what I've been through better in my opinion. Details are just merely that. Guy gets snubbed, the two dont' talk for a week. It's not like it's new, it's not like ti's fresh. I'm sure a hundred LJ's are posting that now and how they want to kill themselves over it. I'd rather talked about what it meant to me and where i'm going with it. I feel more fufilled, like there's something to discuss now. If you wish to take it that way. Well, just some food for thought. LJ has been stale as of late it seems anyway. Who knows. How ya all doing? Hopefully I hear good things, take care of yourselves till next time.
See you space cowboy...