Now, nothing can change what you mean to me...
The unfortunality of all this free time is the fact I can actaully just relax back and think again. It's nice thuogh in it's own way. I've been given the oppurtunity to take care of any final business I should or want to take care of before I have to get a job and probably have to be serious of my life. Granted, I'll never stop having fun, and once I'm out there, my priorities will change, but you know, life will change once I'm out there. Still though, all this free time, I'm able to meditate and think again. Good and a bad thing. Still though, it gives me the oppurtunity to update more now.
It's late at night and I've honestly have had a just a little to think about. I read from a friend's Livejournal who also fears thinking. Well, hmmm... rephrase, she's a fraid of thinking. I don't fear it so much as I embrace it. Of course I wallow in it too much, which can become unhealthy. Of course I've discovered that is unhealthy and i don't do it to much. Of course there's somethings that you just can't help but think about a lot. A good one is,
"You start to think about things like, people that you wonder if you'll ever see again.
Acquaintances that you never really hung out with, but enough to know their stories and know you'll miss seeing them around and think about them.
I want to know what these people think about me too.
I want to know if scientists ever really get close to one another?
It's kind of sad that most of us don't isn't it..." It's a sentiment I've pondered for a while as well. Some people I'm not afraid of loosing, but more where did they go? Who will be ther ein 5...10...20 years? I recently chatted with several people on friendship. One didn't really have a close friends category. She of course has a problem growing close to people. Yet, a thought, maybe i categorize friends too much? Another conversation I had was that one of my friends, doesn't easily call one a friend. Infact she didn't really classify me as a true freind, but more as an assocaite. An interesting perception considering I viewed her as a friend. Maybe I do over classify those around me. Is this a consquence of over thinking? Is this why I have such a hard time really enjoying most company? My struggle of dealing with people?
A part of me doubts it. I've just seen so much of people and the not so subtle differences between each other. Some people I jsut outright refuse to deal with. I spent a good deal of my life dealing with certain people and I don't want to have to deal with it anymore. I try to keep myself out of those situations, of course that's all but impossible. I don't feel this is an arrogant view either. It's jsut simply being around those you really can associate with and then care about. Wouldn't it be nice if all those we really like will still be there down the line. Sadly it's just not possible is it. Slowly as we begin tos ee the flaws within each other, peopel begin to be weeded out more and more. If only the human soul and mind were so simple. We wouldn't see so much disparity and darkness in another's heart. Maeb its' not darkness but a form we just view as discouraging. A form of one's heart we wish not to deal with. Who would think friendship can be such a complex idea. Yet, I ponder this and confront my own ideas and demons to become a better individual. I hope that by understanding friendship more, I can understand other forms of interpersonal relationships better and understand people and myself better. So I can too be a better friend.
Then again, the reason i even thought up all this was because of this freind who questioned the future, whether scientists could be close. She's now in Clemson about to embark on summer reaserch. Maybe She'll be able to answer that question, of scientist, or more generally, logical people growing close. I thought about it, logical people, including me, need a reason and rhyme. That's why religion and faith are beyond most scientist or logical people. To believe in something blindly is absurd the logical person. Yet, isn't that what love is, blindly believing in someone else. Blindly trusting and caring. It's so much easier for someone of religion, like me, to understand this. I slowly had learned it was about inner balance. There are times when my logical side must be strong and there are other times when my faith must be unshaken. It's helped me to understand some of the deep mysteries of love and compassion. I hope she comes to her answers and, for it would be nice to see what she has discovered for learning never ends and is always being taught. But in order to be taught one must be a student and one a teacher. It woudl be nice to see what another has discovered about love, it can only oepn my eyes to new ideas.
Love, such a complex feeling. I just recently read the unfolding of one my friends excursions into love's deep discovery. Along with this, I've had the thoughts of some of my other friends' previous experiances. A funny idea came up in my reading...She loves another guy, but if it weren't for guy two, she would kiss guy one. Interesting. I sometimes question what one percieves as love... lust... confusion. Having finally completed both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, an idea of contradiction comes to my mind. Most of us are on some crash course to love. We want to arrive there at blinding speed. My one friend is having a tough time because his Girlfriend jsut had to break up with him to so she could settle personal issues. Of course she told him she had to do it to protect him. Yet it bogged him down. Was it a lack of trust in her words? He says no, he says it's fear... fear that she'll either never figure it out or just move on to someone else after she does. He feared loosing her. My earlier friend, was caught on the wrong end of what appears to ebo ne hell of a triangle. Yet, it seems patience and understanding seem to just be tossed into the wind. Mr. Harris leaves his readers with an idea that maybe dating has been so far skewed by the American Culture, media in general. He does bring up a good point, why do you date? It's a question someone dear to me had brought up to me over 2 years ago. I spent a great deal of time thinking about that. I'm sure i've put the quesiton up here before, the one she presented to me oh so long ago, What makes a Significant Other different from a friend? Physicallity is not a valid answer in this case. So with that out, what would make a Significant Other different from a friend? Since I had heard that question I've always tried to think hard about the answer. It's a good question, the one you for you shoudl eb above sex and even kissing, no? For sex and kissing... and hugs and any physicallity are just merely a represenation of one's affection for another, not the source. So if I was never to experiance that with the one for me, then what woudl make that person so much more than jsut a friend? Funny i could answer this right now, but the point is this is how I view love. And goign back to my two friends, I feel bad for the one who just got dumped. Yet, it's a godo thing for him, something he has a hard time understanding. They can still be friends. She needs time to figure out her situation. For in the end, isn't hte reason they are dating really a courtship to hopefulyl one day be married? There, that's the basis for my answer tot he significant other question. This person would one day be my wife. And if at this time she feels that it jsut doenst' feel right or there's too much to make it right, then I would hope that she doesn't continue to lead me on. To make me think I'm still her boyfriend, when she cant' even handle that anymore. She's saving him the pain taht he would eventually have to bear unnecessarily. As a friend he can still be there through all teh strife. If it were meant to be, then after she gets through it, they can once again discover it is to be.
How about the other? I don't know, it just seems more fairy tale and less real. Oh, how I wish I could share in that fairy tale world. Yet, some how, some way, I'm always pulled back down to earth and reminded we live in a real world. I feel like he's eben hurting himself, and he's goign to continue to hurt himself over this. To be honest, it isn't fair for me to go on now and say he shoudl knwo better. To be honest I did what he did. I went through what he's going through. In fact I'm at the end of that story now, for in my own circumstance, the girl and that other guy are still together. yet, my story is different, for she never had strong feelings for me. So... In my one friend's instance, it is different from what I've gone through. Yet that one ideal... she would kiss him if not for the other guy... bothers me so very much. It's living a lie. Who is she lying to? Will he continue to delude himself now? it's just not healthy or right. Sure it would make an awsome romance novel, but these are real hearts, real people. Someone will bleed, someone' sheart will bleed tears of scarlett. This is no movie or book either, there won't be a fairy tale ending to this. Of course there is that small chance it could happen liek a fairy tale, but from my experiance, that's a long shot.
It's obvious I can't buy into that anymore. Maybe it's my scarred heart. I've been there before, and I've felt terrible heartache, so I don't want to see people I care about go through that as well. Then again that's how we learn isn't it? Pain can be the greatest teacher no? Oh my, fatiuge is setting in and my mind is a bit clearer now that I've released my thoughts. FOr now, a major concern of mine is my friends, close, or casual. So many people to catch up with still, and who will be there. I obviosuly can't say that everyone now will be there years later. Only so few willa ctually stay close, the rest will fade int he background. People like Bob or EA actually will stay in touch, stay close. Some make excuses for not staying close, and in their minds have justified not being there or simply not being around. Some have good excuses or valid reasons and, thinking about it... if life really takes us that far apart, can we really be close together like that forever. We'll just eb an after thought in our lives, one that goes "I wonder how s/he is doing?" Some people I don't want to be that, but it's practically impossible. If only Humans, both mind and spirit were simple to figure and understand, then this wouldn't be so complex, would it. Well, i'm guess I"m left to wonder,
"You start to think about things like, people that you wonder if you'll ever see again.
Acquaintances that you never really hung out with, but enough to know their stories and know you'll miss seeing them around and think about them.
I want to know what these people think about me too."
...See you space cowboy
It's late at night and I've honestly have had a just a little to think about. I read from a friend's Livejournal who also fears thinking. Well, hmmm... rephrase, she's a fraid of thinking. I don't fear it so much as I embrace it. Of course I wallow in it too much, which can become unhealthy. Of course I've discovered that is unhealthy and i don't do it to much. Of course there's somethings that you just can't help but think about a lot. A good one is,
"You start to think about things like, people that you wonder if you'll ever see again.
Acquaintances that you never really hung out with, but enough to know their stories and know you'll miss seeing them around and think about them.
I want to know what these people think about me too.
I want to know if scientists ever really get close to one another?
It's kind of sad that most of us don't isn't it..." It's a sentiment I've pondered for a while as well. Some people I'm not afraid of loosing, but more where did they go? Who will be ther ein 5...10...20 years? I recently chatted with several people on friendship. One didn't really have a close friends category. She of course has a problem growing close to people. Yet, a thought, maybe i categorize friends too much? Another conversation I had was that one of my friends, doesn't easily call one a friend. Infact she didn't really classify me as a true freind, but more as an assocaite. An interesting perception considering I viewed her as a friend. Maybe I do over classify those around me. Is this a consquence of over thinking? Is this why I have such a hard time really enjoying most company? My struggle of dealing with people?
A part of me doubts it. I've just seen so much of people and the not so subtle differences between each other. Some people I jsut outright refuse to deal with. I spent a good deal of my life dealing with certain people and I don't want to have to deal with it anymore. I try to keep myself out of those situations, of course that's all but impossible. I don't feel this is an arrogant view either. It's jsut simply being around those you really can associate with and then care about. Wouldn't it be nice if all those we really like will still be there down the line. Sadly it's just not possible is it. Slowly as we begin tos ee the flaws within each other, peopel begin to be weeded out more and more. If only the human soul and mind were so simple. We wouldn't see so much disparity and darkness in another's heart. Maeb its' not darkness but a form we just view as discouraging. A form of one's heart we wish not to deal with. Who would think friendship can be such a complex idea. Yet, I ponder this and confront my own ideas and demons to become a better individual. I hope that by understanding friendship more, I can understand other forms of interpersonal relationships better and understand people and myself better. So I can too be a better friend.
Then again, the reason i even thought up all this was because of this freind who questioned the future, whether scientists could be close. She's now in Clemson about to embark on summer reaserch. Maybe She'll be able to answer that question, of scientist, or more generally, logical people growing close. I thought about it, logical people, including me, need a reason and rhyme. That's why religion and faith are beyond most scientist or logical people. To believe in something blindly is absurd the logical person. Yet, isn't that what love is, blindly believing in someone else. Blindly trusting and caring. It's so much easier for someone of religion, like me, to understand this. I slowly had learned it was about inner balance. There are times when my logical side must be strong and there are other times when my faith must be unshaken. It's helped me to understand some of the deep mysteries of love and compassion. I hope she comes to her answers and, for it would be nice to see what she has discovered for learning never ends and is always being taught. But in order to be taught one must be a student and one a teacher. It woudl be nice to see what another has discovered about love, it can only oepn my eyes to new ideas.
Love, such a complex feeling. I just recently read the unfolding of one my friends excursions into love's deep discovery. Along with this, I've had the thoughts of some of my other friends' previous experiances. A funny idea came up in my reading...She loves another guy, but if it weren't for guy two, she would kiss guy one. Interesting. I sometimes question what one percieves as love... lust... confusion. Having finally completed both I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, an idea of contradiction comes to my mind. Most of us are on some crash course to love. We want to arrive there at blinding speed. My one friend is having a tough time because his Girlfriend jsut had to break up with him to so she could settle personal issues. Of course she told him she had to do it to protect him. Yet it bogged him down. Was it a lack of trust in her words? He says no, he says it's fear... fear that she'll either never figure it out or just move on to someone else after she does. He feared loosing her. My earlier friend, was caught on the wrong end of what appears to ebo ne hell of a triangle. Yet, it seems patience and understanding seem to just be tossed into the wind. Mr. Harris leaves his readers with an idea that maybe dating has been so far skewed by the American Culture, media in general. He does bring up a good point, why do you date? It's a question someone dear to me had brought up to me over 2 years ago. I spent a great deal of time thinking about that. I'm sure i've put the quesiton up here before, the one she presented to me oh so long ago, What makes a Significant Other different from a friend? Physicallity is not a valid answer in this case. So with that out, what would make a Significant Other different from a friend? Since I had heard that question I've always tried to think hard about the answer. It's a good question, the one you for you shoudl eb above sex and even kissing, no? For sex and kissing... and hugs and any physicallity are just merely a represenation of one's affection for another, not the source. So if I was never to experiance that with the one for me, then what woudl make that person so much more than jsut a friend? Funny i could answer this right now, but the point is this is how I view love. And goign back to my two friends, I feel bad for the one who just got dumped. Yet, it's a godo thing for him, something he has a hard time understanding. They can still be friends. She needs time to figure out her situation. For in the end, isn't hte reason they are dating really a courtship to hopefulyl one day be married? There, that's the basis for my answer tot he significant other question. This person would one day be my wife. And if at this time she feels that it jsut doenst' feel right or there's too much to make it right, then I would hope that she doesn't continue to lead me on. To make me think I'm still her boyfriend, when she cant' even handle that anymore. She's saving him the pain taht he would eventually have to bear unnecessarily. As a friend he can still be there through all teh strife. If it were meant to be, then after she gets through it, they can once again discover it is to be.
How about the other? I don't know, it just seems more fairy tale and less real. Oh, how I wish I could share in that fairy tale world. Yet, some how, some way, I'm always pulled back down to earth and reminded we live in a real world. I feel like he's eben hurting himself, and he's goign to continue to hurt himself over this. To be honest, it isn't fair for me to go on now and say he shoudl knwo better. To be honest I did what he did. I went through what he's going through. In fact I'm at the end of that story now, for in my own circumstance, the girl and that other guy are still together. yet, my story is different, for she never had strong feelings for me. So... In my one friend's instance, it is different from what I've gone through. Yet that one ideal... she would kiss him if not for the other guy... bothers me so very much. It's living a lie. Who is she lying to? Will he continue to delude himself now? it's just not healthy or right. Sure it would make an awsome romance novel, but these are real hearts, real people. Someone will bleed, someone' sheart will bleed tears of scarlett. This is no movie or book either, there won't be a fairy tale ending to this. Of course there is that small chance it could happen liek a fairy tale, but from my experiance, that's a long shot.
It's obvious I can't buy into that anymore. Maybe it's my scarred heart. I've been there before, and I've felt terrible heartache, so I don't want to see people I care about go through that as well. Then again that's how we learn isn't it? Pain can be the greatest teacher no? Oh my, fatiuge is setting in and my mind is a bit clearer now that I've released my thoughts. FOr now, a major concern of mine is my friends, close, or casual. So many people to catch up with still, and who will be there. I obviosuly can't say that everyone now will be there years later. Only so few willa ctually stay close, the rest will fade int he background. People like Bob or EA actually will stay in touch, stay close. Some make excuses for not staying close, and in their minds have justified not being there or simply not being around. Some have good excuses or valid reasons and, thinking about it... if life really takes us that far apart, can we really be close together like that forever. We'll just eb an after thought in our lives, one that goes "I wonder how s/he is doing?" Some people I don't want to be that, but it's practically impossible. If only Humans, both mind and spirit were simple to figure and understand, then this wouldn't be so complex, would it. Well, i'm guess I"m left to wonder,
"You start to think about things like, people that you wonder if you'll ever see again.
Acquaintances that you never really hung out with, but enough to know their stories and know you'll miss seeing them around and think about them.
I want to know what these people think about me too."
...See you space cowboy