Mood Swings and Roundabouts
Ok, I suffered from extreme mood swings on the pill, started this month without it, and my moods are still pretty fucked, must be a Tammy fault.
Can't do it ya know, you put your heart out there all the time and even though they tell you they love you, other things they do don't add up to that. When I love someone I let them know as often as possible, long to see them, do what I can to make them happy, take an interest in their interests and comprimise adapt, but this one won't budge an inch, would rather see me dancing with another man than even bother to attend a relaxed dance class thing every so often.
I stopped myself, I've realised I sabotage relationships, I try my hardest but one falter on their behalf I want to sabotage it all, almost take pleasure in retracting my feelings, I'm an all or nothing person, I feel in torture making myself hang onto this one, I can't let go because he would still be a friend which means still apart of my life meaning I would still want him. When I leave someone all ties are cut, can't do the amicable break ups. I set each relationship up for a fail because I know noone will be like me.
There is nothing like the feeling of dancing with a man to the rhythm and passion of a salsa song, and if you can't share that sort of thing with a guy who you are with, who won't even try, it's pretty crap.
I want to cut it off again, end it with him, quite funny really, commitment and me are something that struggle. I can't explain it to be honest, how frustrating it is being an emotionally open person being with someone who hides their emotions and feelings as hard as possible, who hardly fucking see you and make you feel like they are constantly testing you, even though they begged and pleaded to get you back fucking hope he reads this. He knew Matt hardly showed me any emotion or affection, he promised he would treat me better, fucking liars all of em. The amount I'm moaning shows the amount I care, why can't I just move away from everyone.
I don't let people be a part of my passions.
I'm feeling considerably more violent lately. One day I'll break and I don't want to be near anyone I care about when that happens.
Good things, I have a job that I may enjoy starting Monday am looking forward, will lead onto a career for me, which is something I have been searching for, needing, I need some stability, I'm sure you'll all agree I'm a bit too crazy. Karate is cool will be starting advanced classes will be enjoyable another grading coming up in September. Really enjoying that.
Things not good with friends, had a disagreement with a good mate about him. Another mate has not wanted company arranged to meet her and then she was over her mum's whole day not got back to me, and another mate arranged to go out drinking and then finished dinner but she didn't want to go out said it was late, so went drinking round Jim's.
I am seriously considering moving away once I'm qualified accountant.
Do you ever want to break down crying, but there are no tears? I can't cry unless I'm watching a particular sad film, and even when I watched that recently, only a few tears. I have too much pent up anger I think.
Mum and Dad went away last week for 4days to a distant family funeral, so I cleaned the house and sorted my room.
Also managed to lock myself out, my back garden, there is a side entrance and and outside entrance to the cellar, so I locked the back door to go down to the cellar, but the net curtain got caught in the lock so I couldn't unlock it and I was all panicky, I called mum, half way to Torquay and asked what the other keys were for, luckily one was for the front door, so had to go round the front in my lovely jogging bottoms, t-shirt with no bra and go in the front lol.
Really enjoyed being alone but my god I was seriously paranoid at night checked all the windows and doors and rooms twice, if I heard any noises I was scared and checked again, and when I went out the Friday came home a bit earlier and went out late but was still drunk and paranoid coming home.
I really don't know what to do with myself. I have one set aim atm and that is to become an accountant. I need to protect me after all, and this bloke would drive me insane-r if he carries on.
I think I will stay at home with parents until I am successful enough to get a mortgage, not worth renting? Need to sort out driving as well.
Hmmm well I best be bright and early for work tomrrow.
Sleep well lovelies.
Can't do it ya know, you put your heart out there all the time and even though they tell you they love you, other things they do don't add up to that. When I love someone I let them know as often as possible, long to see them, do what I can to make them happy, take an interest in their interests and comprimise adapt, but this one won't budge an inch, would rather see me dancing with another man than even bother to attend a relaxed dance class thing every so often.
I stopped myself, I've realised I sabotage relationships, I try my hardest but one falter on their behalf I want to sabotage it all, almost take pleasure in retracting my feelings, I'm an all or nothing person, I feel in torture making myself hang onto this one, I can't let go because he would still be a friend which means still apart of my life meaning I would still want him. When I leave someone all ties are cut, can't do the amicable break ups. I set each relationship up for a fail because I know noone will be like me.
There is nothing like the feeling of dancing with a man to the rhythm and passion of a salsa song, and if you can't share that sort of thing with a guy who you are with, who won't even try, it's pretty crap.
I want to cut it off again, end it with him, quite funny really, commitment and me are something that struggle. I can't explain it to be honest, how frustrating it is being an emotionally open person being with someone who hides their emotions and feelings as hard as possible, who hardly fucking see you and make you feel like they are constantly testing you, even though they begged and pleaded to get you back fucking hope he reads this. He knew Matt hardly showed me any emotion or affection, he promised he would treat me better, fucking liars all of em. The amount I'm moaning shows the amount I care, why can't I just move away from everyone.
I don't let people be a part of my passions.
I'm feeling considerably more violent lately. One day I'll break and I don't want to be near anyone I care about when that happens.
Good things, I have a job that I may enjoy starting Monday am looking forward, will lead onto a career for me, which is something I have been searching for, needing, I need some stability, I'm sure you'll all agree I'm a bit too crazy. Karate is cool will be starting advanced classes will be enjoyable another grading coming up in September. Really enjoying that.
Things not good with friends, had a disagreement with a good mate about him. Another mate has not wanted company arranged to meet her and then she was over her mum's whole day not got back to me, and another mate arranged to go out drinking and then finished dinner but she didn't want to go out said it was late, so went drinking round Jim's.
I am seriously considering moving away once I'm qualified accountant.
Do you ever want to break down crying, but there are no tears? I can't cry unless I'm watching a particular sad film, and even when I watched that recently, only a few tears. I have too much pent up anger I think.
Mum and Dad went away last week for 4days to a distant family funeral, so I cleaned the house and sorted my room.
Also managed to lock myself out, my back garden, there is a side entrance and and outside entrance to the cellar, so I locked the back door to go down to the cellar, but the net curtain got caught in the lock so I couldn't unlock it and I was all panicky, I called mum, half way to Torquay and asked what the other keys were for, luckily one was for the front door, so had to go round the front in my lovely jogging bottoms, t-shirt with no bra and go in the front lol.
Really enjoyed being alone but my god I was seriously paranoid at night checked all the windows and doors and rooms twice, if I heard any noises I was scared and checked again, and when I went out the Friday came home a bit earlier and went out late but was still drunk and paranoid coming home.
I really don't know what to do with myself. I have one set aim atm and that is to become an accountant. I need to protect me after all, and this bloke would drive me insane-r if he carries on.
I think I will stay at home with parents until I am successful enough to get a mortgage, not worth renting? Need to sort out driving as well.
Hmmm well I best be bright and early for work tomrrow.
Sleep well lovelies.