could you find it in your heart to make this go away
Ive been an emotional basketcase for the last 7 days like more so then usual and i have no good idea why. Ive been dealing with everything as it comes at me. but according to what ive been telling other people while not editing anything No i havent been dealign with anything and its hurting me now. I havent really been taking care of myself I want to be violent. Old scars are hurting. Old feelings resurfacing. I resent myself for letting myself fall as far as i have. crying every few days isnt healthy. the only reason im even fully concious anymore is for other people. I have no real want to be here. or there. or really anywhere now. I cant deal with anyone else right now. I can barely deal with me. I have offically relapsed into hating myself. which is going to poision everything ive worked for all this year. The last year has been really hard on me. known or not. coming to school is a chore staying mentally there is even more of a chore. And trying to get shit done in time for deadlines sucks even worse. I mean fine arts is done but other then that nothing much has changed. All of a sudden im looking for an exit route cuz i see no light at the end of this year. its kind of depressing when you feel like you are an utter failure. I can count on one person to be stable for me when im not. most days two but lately tis been the one. everything needs to be processed in turn and its getting really frustrating because emotions are not rational things.
I cannot save you
i havent been able to handle what i should have been able to. People are annoying and im looking for a reason to hurt. Graduation is in like 4 weeks. Its so close yet so far off. I promised to sleep and eat something in the morning but food is just so unappealing. Like the only thing that has looked remotely good this week are the choclate covered strawberries. (loads of heathy stuff there) Ive been taking my vitamens so im getting nutrients but not whatever else. i get up i shower i go to school I go through the motions now. i want to just curl into a ball and die.but no that would be against the rules. that truth scares the shit out of me. and none of this matters because whats done is done. if im in the wrong let me know now. I cant begin to sort through this mix of emotions. ive gotten close to people and lost some along the way. Most of which i am not okay with. i feel like im completely out of control and have no idea how to regain it. I tried taking time for myself. that just resulted in a two and a half hour walk around my neighborhood in the middle of the night on saturday after i had the chance to sit and think.
Maybe thinking is bad for my health
these voices tore my world apart.
i feel worthless
I feel useless
i feel nothing twords most people
i hate
i love
i loath
i cant believe how much this hurts
these voices tore my world apart.
but it doesnt matter anymore
ive got it
i can deal on some level.
i dont want to cry anymore
so please dont make me