can't sleep. clown'll eat me
I can't sleep at nighttime. I have had this problem for some time now. Even on days when I don't nap to counteract the sleepless nights, I can't fall asleep at a decent time. It's 11:30 and I am wide awake. I don't know why my body won't sleep. I think I was designed to be nocturnal. I can nap during the day no problem. I lie down, and I'm out within a half hour, tops, and sound asleep for two hours. At night, it takes me three hours or so to get into a deep sleep, and I don't stay asleep for any good amount of time most nights. I don't know what the difference is, or why I'm all ass-backwards. It is the most frustrating feeling. Especially on nights before I know I have something big going on where it would help to be well-rested for. Maybe it's time to look into a sleep clinic? I'm so tired of all of this shit.
I spent the day knitting instead of cleaning and finished a pair of socks for myself. I love the warmness of hand-knit socks. I started another pair, but I don't know if I will keep these or gift them. I'm using the self-striping yarn, and plotting other projects I could use this stuff for.
Every time I leave the apartment and see the deadly icy back steps, or the cop cars parked across the street, I tell myself this is our last winter here. I really hope to god that is the truth. It's become my new mantra. I'm really scared of the responsibilities of homeowning, actually. But very excited to think of having our own place, where we can hang pictures with nails and have as many pets as we want, and have enough room to have guests over. Here, Neil and I scarcely fit in a room together. We have no extra room for seating or entertaining, and it makes us become all hermit-like.. I dream of a three-bedroom house where we have an office area and a big enough kitchen to have actual counters to work on and a walk of more than six steps from the front door to the back door. (ok, it's actually 8 steps....I counted....)
I'm also finding every month that I wish I were pregnant, because at least then I would have to deal with these cramps every month. I totally remember why I was on birth control for 8 years.
When I become introspective and write, I start complaining. Does that mean I'm inherently negative? I think Neil would say so. But I don't know that I agree. It just comes and goes. Probably comes with my depression. When I was at Neil's parents' house for Thanksgiving and told his mom I forgot my antidepressants, so I would probably not be feeling all that well while dealing with the withdrawal, she asked me why I needed them. I didn't really know what to say. I know it's not supposed to be anything to be ashamed about. So I just told her it was a genetic thing in my family, going way back at least to my great-gramma, and just meant that my brain chemistry was different and I took the pills to help me function a bit better, like it was a thyroid problem or something. No one looks at you funny if you say you take pills for a thyroid condition. But if you tell people you take pills to make your brain not self-destruct, they don't fully trust their kids around you, and they look at you funny, and they wonder why you can't just suck it up and deal.
Taking the pills is my way of sucking up and dealing. I keep thinking about trying to make a go without them. I know that is a bad idea. Especially after the relapse I had in September. Just went to prove that I can't make it on my own. It is hard enough sometimes even with the pills. But I hate being so reliant on taking a pill every day to feel "normal." It's just fucking ridiculous.
I spent the day knitting instead of cleaning and finished a pair of socks for myself. I love the warmness of hand-knit socks. I started another pair, but I don't know if I will keep these or gift them. I'm using the self-striping yarn, and plotting other projects I could use this stuff for.
Every time I leave the apartment and see the deadly icy back steps, or the cop cars parked across the street, I tell myself this is our last winter here. I really hope to god that is the truth. It's become my new mantra. I'm really scared of the responsibilities of homeowning, actually. But very excited to think of having our own place, where we can hang pictures with nails and have as many pets as we want, and have enough room to have guests over. Here, Neil and I scarcely fit in a room together. We have no extra room for seating or entertaining, and it makes us become all hermit-like.. I dream of a three-bedroom house where we have an office area and a big enough kitchen to have actual counters to work on and a walk of more than six steps from the front door to the back door. (ok, it's actually 8 steps....I counted....)
I'm also finding every month that I wish I were pregnant, because at least then I would have to deal with these cramps every month. I totally remember why I was on birth control for 8 years.
When I become introspective and write, I start complaining. Does that mean I'm inherently negative? I think Neil would say so. But I don't know that I agree. It just comes and goes. Probably comes with my depression. When I was at Neil's parents' house for Thanksgiving and told his mom I forgot my antidepressants, so I would probably not be feeling all that well while dealing with the withdrawal, she asked me why I needed them. I didn't really know what to say. I know it's not supposed to be anything to be ashamed about. So I just told her it was a genetic thing in my family, going way back at least to my great-gramma, and just meant that my brain chemistry was different and I took the pills to help me function a bit better, like it was a thyroid problem or something. No one looks at you funny if you say you take pills for a thyroid condition. But if you tell people you take pills to make your brain not self-destruct, they don't fully trust their kids around you, and they look at you funny, and they wonder why you can't just suck it up and deal.
Taking the pills is my way of sucking up and dealing. I keep thinking about trying to make a go without them. I know that is a bad idea. Especially after the relapse I had in September. Just went to prove that I can't make it on my own. It is hard enough sometimes even with the pills. But I hate being so reliant on taking a pill every day to feel "normal." It's just fucking ridiculous.